25 Realizations

1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.
   
   
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
   
   
3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
   
   
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
   
   
5. I don't do drugs anymore because I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
   
   
6. Sign in a CHINESE Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
   
   
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK ... they know me here.
   
   
8. I got a sweater for Christmas... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
   
   
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
   
   
10. I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
    
    
11. The most precious thing we have is life..... Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
    
    
12. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
    
    
13. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now THAT'S a message!
    
    
14. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
    
    
15. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a dollar at the bowling alley.
    
    
16. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
    
    
17. I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
    
    
18. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
    
    
19. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
    
    
20. The differences between snowmen and snowwomen are snowballs.
    
    
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
    
    
22. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
    
    
23. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
    
    
24. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don'! t pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
    
    
25. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

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