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by Mr. Wizard
"The fog is getting thicker" - Air traffic controller
"And Leon is getting laaaaaarger."
- Henshaw from Airplane
"I stepped on a scale and the card came out and said,
'One at a time!'"
- Rodney Dangerfield
"I'm a big eater. Whenever I go to MacDonald's, I eat
outside. So I can watch the sign change.'"
- Rodney Dangerfield
June 25th, 2002
On June 21, 2002, Southwest Airlines decided
to announce that it will actively enforce a 20-year old policy
that allows airline employees to request passengers of excessive
girth to pay for two tickets. To no one's surprise, this has
come under great controversy.
In general, the policy states that passengers
who may be wider than the 18-inches provided by a standard airplane
seat are subject to paying for two tickets - the judgment call
being given to airline employees, who were "trained"
in identifying such passengers. (This is one training class
I would love to witness!)
There has been significant outcry over this policy.
It has been called "unfair," "discriminatory,"
and "unreasonable." To figure out if this is justified,
let's look at the root of the problem.
Let's presume that each passenger pays an equal
amount for ticket, which gives a standard-sized seat to all
passengers. Each passenger is entitled to the same for their
purchase, which may include meals, refreshments, reasonable
comfort, and a right to sit in their seat all by themselves
(no one sitting on their laps, and no one forcing them to stand
in the aisle - the seat is yours and yours alone). I presume
no one would disagree with this statement.
Now let's say I decide to sit next to someone,
but I have an uncanny habit of leaning hard to my left, which
just happens to intrude on the poor chap sitting next to me.
Does this chap have a right to ask me to sit up straight? Of
course. It would be the same if I decided to sit with my leg
draped over the armrest, or my feet placed in the area in front
of the seat next to me. No one would disagree with the other
passenger's right to their request that I keep my body parts
in my own space. In any of these cases, I would be called "inconsiderate"
if I did not comply.
Now let's presume that, for whatever reason,
my intrusion on the poor chap sitting next to me is because
of my unusual size - whether it be to obesity, gigantism, my
career as a Sumo wrestler, whatever. Would it be unreasonable
for the person sitting next to me to ask me to pull myself together
and fit in my space? Suddenly, the reasonable request in the
prior paragraph became "unfair," "discriminatory,"
and "unreasonable."
To resolve these difficult issues, I offer the
following solutions to the oversized airline passenger dilemma:
- Charge passengers by the pound or by their
width. That way we're all paying a fair price. Further, let's
make armrests adjustable side-to-side, so that skinny little
kid gets a 14" seat, and the Sumo wrestler gets a 24"
seat - each paying for only what they use.
- Make all airline seats wide enough for the
widest people, and adjust the base ticket price according
to the number of seats lost. Airplanes now only hold half
as many people? Double the price. Too bad skinny, we have
to provide equal rights to all, at the expense of everyone.
- Put all oversized passengers in the same
aisle, and let them fight it out amongst themselves.
- Require oversized passengers to pay a portion
of their neighbor's ticket price as consolation for their
loss of usable space during their journey.
- Hire mathematicians to calculate the proper
angle and displacement of the human body for each given seat,
and have them allocate seats on a plane in accordance to the
best distribution of size.
- Extend the airline policy to include buses
and trains, and all other forms of public or mass transportation.
After all, if it's good for airline passengers, why not others?
Granted this is all ridiculous.
It's ridiculous to think we have to dispute whether
oversized people should be forced to pay for two seats. It's
absurd that we have to assume that people have to sacrifice
their fair share for the unfair share of others (all other things
being equal, of course). It's horrific that people who know
they would be inconsiderate to a passenger sitting next to them
(because of their oversized status) should not want to do the
considerate thing and pay for two seats on their own without
being forced to. You can argue the case for either side - the
right of one to what they paid for, and the right of the other
to be treated the same as everyone else (even though there are
differences).
But what I really want to know is - how long
before a lawyer takes out a class action suit against Southwest
Airlines? This
will happen soon, I'm sure.
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