Be Stupid and Grow Rich
It's time once again to consider the candidates for the 2003
Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella
Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued
McDonalds.
That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most uniquely
successful lawsuits in the United States for last year. Actually,
joint awards should be given to the plaintiff attorneys and
the
flaming idiots on the juries who awarded anything at all to
these morons--who deserved NOTHING!!!!
The following are this year's candidates:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by
a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a
toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners
of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering
the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the
wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's
hubcaps.
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house
he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not
able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door
opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because
the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled
it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself
locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case
of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued
the homeowner's
insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish.
The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000.
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500
and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his
next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its
owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because
the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked
at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with
a pellet gun.
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of
Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft
drink and broke her coccyx! (tailbone). The beverage was on
the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend
30 seconds earlier during an argument.
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner
of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the
bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth.
This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the
window
in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She
was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new
32- foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having
driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph
and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make
himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway,
crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not
advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually
do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home.
The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this
suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying
their recreation vehicles.
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