Really, Really, BAD Puns
These are really, really, bad puns. Lots of engineer jokes,
too. Don't say you weren't warned.
A budhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "make
me one with everything"
He gives the vendor twenty bucks and says "hey, where's
my change?"
The hot dog vendor says "change must come from within"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during
a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen,
only one carrion allowed per passenger."
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone
liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across
town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers
to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the
friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired
Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town
to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars
and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't
close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The
other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.
It's prom night in the early 60's and Peggy Sue is going to
go with Bobby Joe. Bobby Joe comes to pick up Peggy Sue and
there in the entry is her Dad...rocking back on his heels and
taking in the sight. Bobby Joe gulps and grins nervously at
his date's dad...Dad says..."Soooooooo you are gunna take
my Dear Sweet Peggy Sue to the Prom, eh?" (he's from BC
I guess...that's not the joke though)...Bobby Joe says in a
voice that cracks...ahhhhh Yessirrrrrrr! Well Pop winks at Bobby
Joe and says ... "Well boy let me tell you how to show
that girl a good time." Bobby Joe didnt fall off the rock
and roll band wagon yesterday and he nervously flinches and
says " ahhhhhhhhhh whatsat Sir?"
He tells Bobby Joe in a conspiratorial tone..."Well boy...I
will tell ya what that Girl LOVES TO DO! That girl Loves to
SCREW!" Pop almost had to pick Bobby Joe off the floor!
Bobby Joe is sure he is has lost his mind...he is weak with
fright and something else...He says..." AHHHHHHhUHhhhhhhhh
Beggin your pardon Sir?" Well Pop slaps him on the shoulder
and says ..."Im tellin ya boy that Girl LOves to Screw
and She can Screw Screw SCREW ALLLLLLLl the night long. Soins
if ya wanna show her a good time you take her out and let her
Screw SCREW SCR...." Pop hears Peggy Sue coming down the
stairs so he stops talking and just gives Bobby Joe ( who is
weak in the knees and bordering on delirious) a big WINK and
a knowing look ...Bobby Joe Cant believe his ears but Who is
he to go against the wishes of his date's Father...so Pop winks
and Bobby Joe finds his footing...gulps ...manages a smile and
WINKS back...Peggy Sue at this point is sure that her father
has given Bobby Joe the standard Father of the teenage daughter
talk to Bobby Joe...and gives Dad a dirty look and grabs Bobby
Joe to get out the door as quickly as possible...She hopes he
hasnt scared Bobby Joe so badly that she wont even get a good
night kiss! .. She says good night to dad and drags Bobby Joe
to the door ...and as they leave...Pop says to Bobby Joe...Now
you REMEMBER what I said boy!!!!!! YAHEAR!" Have a great
time...Off the Go Bobby Joe still in shock at his good luck
and Peggy Sue just wanting to get going...
Well 15 minutes later... Here comes Peggy Sue back in the front
door...
Her Pop seems surprised she is back so soon and hurries to the
door. MY GOD!
What happened to you? She is all rumpled and discombobulated,
hair askew...
She walks up to POP ...gets right in his face ...Blows the hair
up out of her face and says
THEY CALL IT THE TWIST POP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE TWIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A burgler breaks into a house, while still standing in the
dark he hears a voice"I see you and Jesus sees you"
he stands quietly and once more hears "I see you and Jesus
sees you." He switches on his flash light arcs it around
the room and it lands on a parrot who repeats "I see you
and Jesus sees you."
Feeling very brave he switches on the room light ,then he notices
a Doberman sitting beneath the parrot cage. Just then the bird
says "Sic em Jesus!"
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a good bike?" The second
engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along minding my
own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She
threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
'Take what you want'".
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice;
the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether
it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The
architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because
of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they
will each assume you are spending time with the other woman,
and you can go to the plant and get some work done."
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist,
the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice
as big as it needs to be.
An engineer, a programmer, and their manager go out for lunch.
On the way from the car to the restaurant they find a magic
lamp in the parking lot.
They rub it, and out pops a genie. "I can grant but three
wishes and because there are three of you, each will receive
one wish," he said.
The programmer went first. "I want to be in Tahiti surrounded
by beautiful women," he said. Poof! He disappears.
The engineer went next. "I want to be in Hawaii with a
huge house, tons of money, and surrounded by gorgeous women,"
he said. Poof! He disappears.
The manager went last. He said, "I want them both back
in the office after lunch."
A priest, a rabbi, and a jew walk in to a bar.
The bartender says......
"What is this, a joke?"
A man walking along the beach kicks over an ancient bottle
and out pops a Genie who immediately grants him one wish.
"I want to see Hawaii," said the man "but I
am afraid to fly so build me a road from here to Hawaii so I
can drive it."
"Ah geez," complained the Genie. "That is too
hard. Ask me for something else."
"OK," said the man. "Explain women to me."
"You want two lanes or four?" replied the Genie.
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning
for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have
been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen
such ineptitude! "
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's
have a word with him. Hi George, say, what's with that group
ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of
blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse
from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's
so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact
my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can
do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet.
A mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer and a computer engineer
were carpooling to work when the car broke down. The mechanical
engineer speculated it might be a problem with the engine. The
chemical engineer thought they should check the fluids. The
computer engineer suggested they all get out of the car and
get back in again, then see if it works!
An engineer died, and was mistakenly routed to hell. You see,
all engineers are supposed to go to heaven, while most of the
lawyers are supposed to go to hell. It took God two weeks to
find someone with the legal expertise to get the paperwork sorted
out. He then approached the Devil about fixing the error. But
the Devil asked if God could wait another week - seems the engineer
had already fixed the elevator and was almost done with the
air conditioning!
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery
of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element
has been tentatively named "Administratium". Administratium
has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and
111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons,
which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles
called peons.
Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However,
it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it
comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes
one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally
take less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not
decay but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion
of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant
deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Administratium's mass
will actually increase over time, since each reorganization
causes some morons to become neutrons forming isodopes. This
characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate
that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain
quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred
to as "Critical Morass". You will know it when you
see it.
Rather than an impersonal and unhelpful error message, what
if we had
these haiku?
The Web site you seek
Cannot be located but
Countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton
fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally,
became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Two boys grew up interested in the priesthood: Jimmy James
and Johnny Secola.
While both dedicatedly studied the Bible, Johnny Secola was
always a little more knowledgable than Jimmy James. Both boys
grew up and followed similar paths. They both became priests,
then monsignors, then bishops, and eventually cardinals. Johnny
Secola is still the brighter star of the two.
One night, the Pope dies in his sleep. The college of cardinals
must decide who among them is going to be the new pope. Johnny
Secola and Jimmy James are now competing to be the head of the
church. Johnny thinks that this should be a "shoe in"
for him as he has beaten Jimmy at everything before.
The cardinals hold the election and who wins? Jimmy James.
Johnny is flabbergasted. He turns to the head cardinal in charge
of the election and asked him what happened.
The cardinal shook his head wearily and said, "Johnny,
I'm sorry. But we really couldn't have the leader of the church
have a name like... Pope Secola."
Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into
low earth orbit? They called it
the herd shot 'round the world.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit
a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it, too.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West, slides
up to the bar, and announces: "I'm looking for the man
who shot my paw."
What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen
in France?
Linoleum blownapart.
A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs.
It became known as "Dogless Fairbanks."
Which famous golfer loves to drink wine?
Litre Vino.
A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The
doctor says, "Try a milk bath." So the guy goes to
the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs enough
milk to take a bath. The dairy man asks, "You want that
pasteurized?"
"Nah," the man replied. "Up to my chin should
do it."
What's the difference between an angry circus-owner and a Roman
barber?
One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.
In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat
anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything that is,
except the smoked salmon.
Thus were created the world's first anti-lox breaks.
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned.
Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened
a fast-food seafood restaurant?
One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk
A scientist cloned himself but the experiment created a duplicate
who used very foul language. As the clone cursed and swore,
the scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell
to its death. Later the scientist was arrested for making an
obscene clone fall.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and
asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Does
this taste funny to you?"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we
don't serve food in here."
Dyslexic man walks into a bra....
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm
and says "Pint please, and one for the road."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mom or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or
my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by
a strong currant.
I bought a circus and got a fair deal.
I ran into problems right away: the truck driver refused to
tow the lion; the lion ate a clown but it tasted funny; and
there was a huge fire and the heat was in tents.
The human cannonball got fired. It was hard to find another
of the same caliber.
John had a new dog, but he didn't want to deal with puppies
so he got her fixed.
However, some how the gal still got pregnant, and even had
identical twins! The media loved it and soon she was a celebrity.
John wrote a book about her entitled, "Two Dachshunds
in One: A Spayed Oddity".
And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to
friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make
them laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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