Vikar's Rant: Basic Hygiene

"The longest in a line of succession if you are keeping track of that sort of thing."
- Lieutenant Chamberlain's second in command in Gettysburg (on Management or in this case Command)

"Did you ever run out of deodorant? It happens even in the nicest of homes. You know you finish one arm and "Oh no." Well, if that every happens to you, try this. Put a bay leaf under each arm. It won't stop you from sweating, but you'll smell like soup."
- George Carlin

"My dentist, he's another one. I said, "Doctor, my teeth are turning yellow." He said to wear a brown neck tie."
- Rodney Dangerfield

"I always imagine the border line psychotic getting a bottle of Scope in the mail. Going down to the mailbox. Hmmmm hmmmm hmmm, What's this? Scope. Scope! SCOPE!!! AAARRRRGGGHHH!!!! Then up on the roof with a magnum. Fourteen dead and they blame Marine training. No, Ummmm, bad breath."
- George Carlin

August 4th, 2002

My job hours had changed.

I had been working 7 to 3 since 1998 then out of the blue everything changed. My newest boss* delivered the news to me shortly after the latest of 3 consecutive reorganizations. I had a new job function (Quality Assurance - bleccch!), and that required me to have later hours. So, instead of my perfect commute of 7AM to 3PM, I was going to work 9AM - 6PM.

I was not a happy camper.

But, to be fair, I was going to give it a shot. Perhaps, it wouldn't be as bad as I thought. Perhaps, this was the way I really should be working. Perhaps Quality Assurance would provide a very interesting outlet for my talents and creativity and I could really grow in my career. Perhaps this was the stepping stone I had been waiting for that would give me a foothold into the domain of management.

Perhaps if I lied to myself long and hard enough, I would believe it.

So, of course, it sucked. God! Did it suck. It sucked worse than "Sucky" McSucksuck sucked at sucking in a suck all you could suck contest in Sucksicola, Suckington. It sucked pretty bad. Quality Assurance is so mind numbingly boring that while I was doing my new job I was starting to hallucinate while I was on conference calls. What else is there to do while on the phone for 3 hours at a shot.

Basically, my job in regard to the conference calls was to do exactly this: Call into the UNISYS conference call line; Log into our Remedy ARS Problem Reporting system; Create a bunch of bogus tickets to test the functionality of a new enhancement to an applications and say this "Okay, I've sent it. What do you see? No. Okay, you're sending it back. You want me to tell you what I see? Uh-huh. Okay, I'm getting a glass of water. Okay? Yes. So, I can take my cyanide pill with a smooth swallow and not dry swallow it. Uh-huh. Yes, it is better this way because I can't think of any reason to continue life doing this and a quick death right now is preferable..... Yes, I'll hold." I think you get the gist of doing this for three hours at a shot.

But I have to stop myself now. Because as tempting as this is to rant upon, the topic for today is basic hygiene.

Now that my hours had changed, I found myself with a new twisted schedule. My normal schedule was to get up at 5AM, shower, brush my teeth, get dressed and go to work**. I arrive at work before 7AM and work until 3PM. Catch the subway to the Port Authority. Catch NJ Transit's 3:30 bus (hopefully). Get home by 4:30. Walk dogs. Change clothes. Go to the gym. Pretty slick, huh?

The new schedule was this. Get up at 5:30AM. Get dressed in gym clothes. Brush my teeth. Go to the gym. Workout for 45 minutes. Shower at gym. Dress for work. Drive to the bus stop and catch the 7:AM to work***. Get to the Port Authority (hopefully) by 8:30. Catch subway to downtown Houston Street and get into the building by 8:50. This is if everything goes right.

The first bad "ely"© I had came when I took the 7:10AM bus into work. I arrived in the office at 10:05. One half hour of my commute was in the Lincoln tunnel. Sorry, but after 9-11, that's the one place I don't want to be for a prolonged amount of time. The thought of entombment is something that I really don't like to imagine. I was not happy when I got to work and I was CERTAIN I did not want to do this commute anymore.€

All that aside, I wish to point out one or two things.

In both versions of my commute, I found time to shower.

It appears that many people who like to use mass transit at 5pm and 6pm feel the concept of showering is for other people. Now, I understand that New York and New Jersey are under semi drought conditions, but, FOR GOD'S SAKE please use soap and water together. And if you are not planning on showering don't eat curry or garlic. If for some reason, you think no one will notice your body odor in that case - please, PLEASE! THINK AGAIN.

It's August. The New York Subway system temperature is about 150 degrees on a normal day. This country has put out a wonderful product. It's called antiperspirant. You may also wish to try deodorant. Please use them. They work. Use soap with a deodorant. You should do this every day. The life you save could be mine.

But I understand there are some cases when you forget to put on antiperspirant. We rush from our day to day activities in the morning and forget. That's okay. If it happens once in a while - that's okay.

I'm talking to the people who are in direct competition with the homeless. I think you know the type. People who smell so bad that eyes tear. People who smell so bad they should have a sign that says, "I have a personal air space." People who smell so bad that if left alone for another 10 minutes they will spontaneously combust. That bad.

And then there is what the media has dubbed simple chronic halitosis - i.e. - bad breath. Once again, this happens to everyone. You had garlic for lunch. You have a cold and the congestion is affecting your breath. Sour cream and onion potato chips after lunch or for a quick snack can give you BAD BREATH. You are going to have a root canal because there is tooth decay in your mouth - BAD BREATH. I understand. I brush not just because I like to have fresh breath, but also because I don't want Alzheimer's Disease.£

Here's what I don't understand. When your teeth are "sunny glint" yellow and you like to speak two inches from another person. When you can't perform the "bad breath" test¥ on yourself and think it's the perfect time to ask for that pay raise and you do it up close and personal - think again. When your breath is so bad that you can strip the paint off of walls, when your plants die when you talk to them, when it is so bad that it smells like ape shit in August, consider mouthwash for the benefit of say... everyone. Carry breath mints - PLEASE!

Or better yet, keep a tooth brush and tooth paste at the office. After lunch "brusha, brusha, brusha". You will seem more professional and who knows, life could go easier for you.

I will admit I'm not perfect.

Next week, I will be going in for a root canal. Why? Because my dental hygiene isn't the greatest in the world. I don't floss, everyday, like I should. I brush quickly in the morning and may not get my back teeth. I may not brush my teeth after onion potato chips (but I have mints). And, sometimes, after showering at the gym, I'll forget to pack my antiperspirant.

I have even been known to show up to work with dirt under my fingernails. There are times I have gone to work with two days of unshaven beard on my face. I mention these things individually as then never occur at the same time.

On many Sundays (like today) I'll opt not to shower. I'm not going anywhere.

I don't use hand sanitizers, either. I figure I won't get sick from everything and a little dirt never hurt anyone. I also know that the money was dirty when I handled it. Plus, if a germ I got from an ATM machine is going to kill me, I'll have the knowledge that I'll die with money in my pocket.

I believe that all the idiots that drink bottled water for health reasons instead of tap water will die because they won't be able to withstand toxins when they do encounter them. Dammit, I live in New Jersey for Christ's sake. If I don't have radon poisoning by now, I'll never have it.

However, I will not make it a habit to eat garlic and exercise everyday. Tonight, I had Pasta Fajole, extra garlicky. I'm sure it will be a treat for all the people working out tomorrow to bask in my presence. I will not go days at a time without brushing my teeth or showering. I will do some amount of hygienic inspection before I leave the house. I try not to wear colors that make me perspire.¥¥ I try to keep more than one tube of antiperspirant in the house (and if I do run out I'm not beyond using my wife's. Remember, strong enough for a man... Well, we'll see about that.) I do use Coast and aftershave lotion as well.

Everyone has an off day or a day off. And that's okay. But please remember basic hygiene. It's not just for your own heath, it's for other people....like me.

It's for your health and for my happiness.

See ya later, Stinky!

*- Not John DeSalvo anymore. The salad days of wine and roses are now over. This reorganization is not the best one I've ever seen. I'm still here and not on a severance package. I still have mixed feelings on the subject.

**- Normally, I shave the night before to save time.

***- Through painful experience, I found that I have to take the 7AM bus in. If I take the 7:10 in the traffic into the city will make me late for 9AM going in.

€- Just recently my hours were changed to a more human 8AM to 4PM. Not as bad.

©- "Ely" is a phrase from Douglas Adam's The Book of Liff. An Ely is the first inclination that something has gone horribly, horribly wrong.

£- The collection of plaque in the arteries has been theorized as one of the causes of Alzheimer's Disease.

¥- If you don't know, then now is the time you do. Cup your hand over your mouth and nose. Breathe into you hand and smell. If you like what you smell, you are either okay or just evil.