"Bartenders and doctors speak to the same types of people: the living and the dying."
- Dr. Phillip Boyce, Chief Medical Officer USS Enterprise under Capt. Christopher Pike (The Cage)

"Doctor! Doctor! Will I ever play the violin?"
- Henny Youngman, (still painful)

June 16th, 2002

I think there is really nothing worse than being sick.

I sit here typing this on third day of a summer flu and what I can tell you is that there just is no relief in sight. Even when you are feeling a little bit better, it's just a tease because the moment you get up and start doing "normal" things, that's when it gets you. You get that little bit of perspiration and oh so wonderful dizziness and you are back on your back again.

In the last three weeks, I've had a double whammy.

3 weeks ago, while in our back area, standing in our bed of weeds, I pointed to a patch of weeds and said to my wife, "Hey Honey, You see that? That's Poison Ivy. Don't touch that." Meanwhile I'm standing in the patch, wearing shorts. To make matters worse, I decided to take action and get rid of it from my yard. Did I use weed killer? No. I decided the best most efficient way was to pluck it bare handed and throw it away.

A week later, I had rashes all over my body.

They are just going away now, as of this writing. But for two weeks I had calamine lotion all over my body to stop the itching and scratched anyway. Two days ago, I had an itch on my shin that I scratched until I bled. That was the last of it.

The one thing you have to realize is that during that time, I couldn't work out at all. I couldn't touch anything or anyone. That would include barbells and what's worse, I wasn't allowed to sweat. That would have spread the oil to other parts of my body. So, my routine was completely off.

Just as I was starting to feel like myself again, I felt a certain tightness at the back of my throat. I really didn't think much about it, other than I probably swallowed something I shouldn't have. Plus, I had more than enough Jolly Ranchers* at my desk to keep my throat feeling okay.

That was Wednesday.

On Thursday, the pain in my throat was much worse. Again, I decided that I was bigger than this problem and went about my normal routine. I went to work, started installing the software to my new PC (Dell 933 mHz - 14 Gig - 256 Megbyte SDRAM - Windows XP Professional) and everything seemed to be okay. I had candy. So, everything was going to be peachy.

That night, I had to pay a bill on my JC Penney Credit Card. So, my wife and I went to the local mall to do it. About 20 minutes and 7 comic books later, I started to hear a rattling in my chest as I breathed. I decided the best thing was to go home. I thought it was a good idea, after all my wife had just bought the second season of Father Ted** on DVD and I was looking forward to watching it. I mentioned the sore throat to my wife and she said she would look at it when we got home.

Now, you have to picture this. We get home. I sit down in the easy chair and my wife comes out of the kitchen with the one flashlight we have in the house. It's one of those HUGE security guard flashlights. She tells me to open my mouth and put my head back. She makes the "not good" face and tells me that my throat is inflamed with little pus thingys and a big blister on the back.

Oh, joy.

This is something you should know about my wife. She is into herbal and home made remedies. She believes that nature's way is the best way. I am not like this. I believe that medical science has come a long way since leeches and will take pharmecuticals when I can. If I have a sore throat, I will suck on a lozenge. If I have a headache, I'll take an Advil.

My wife opted that I should take some of her witch's brew. She went into my kitchen and started to.... do things. I'm not saying she was cooking, I'm saying she was doing... things. Ten minutes later she came back into the living room with this stuff in a mug. She said, "Drink."

So, me being stupid, as usual, I did.

GOD! IT WAS AWFUL. It was the worst thing that I ever put into my mouth ever. I thought I was going to puke. It smelled horrendously bad but that was nothing compared to the taste. I did everything in my power to stop from reflexively spitting it out. And I swallowed it. Its vinegary taste burned my throat. It was like I just chugged a mouthful of hot Italian salad dressing but it was salad dressing that was left out on the table for about two months. BLEEECH!!!

"You have to finish it," she said, "or else, it won't work."

And, me being the stupidest human being in existance, took another swallow. GOD!! The second swallow was worse than the first one. I was thinking that since I had already tasted it that my tastebuds would know what was coming. Nope. Apparently, the really foul stuff was closer to the bottom of the cup. It tasted much like the vinegar mixture from the first sip with just a hint of ear wax. This was not getting any better. I took another swallow, again thinking that it was going to improve. No, the hint of ear wax was now more than a suggestion. The only thing worse than drinking this would be having to gargle with it and then swallow. Fortunately, this was not the case. I finished the contents, finally, and managed to keep my gorge in my stomach.

I watched Father Ted, afterward, then went to sleep around tenish.

Friday morning, I woke up with my throat on fire. It was as if I had swallowed a golf ball with spikes. I also felt as if the Grim Reaper had used my teeth to sharpen his tools while I was asleep. I wasn't going to work - that was for certain. I went back to sleep because I knew my boss most likely wouldn't be in until 8:AM, and it being 5:AM, sleep was the best alternative. My theory on being sick, is the first thing a person should try is bed rest. If that doesn't work see a doctor. I quietly mumbled to my wife that I was not going in today. As Friday is not a workday for her, I had someone to watch me most of the day.

I said before, that there is nothing worse than being sick. Here are some of the reasons why.

The first and foremost is that there is nothing on TV. Daytime TV, unless you are going to be on Jerry Springer or are a complete and total loser, should never be watched. It should be a deterrant to the unemployed. If you are out of work and find yourself watching daytime TV - STOP.

Stop quickly. Do not pass go! Do not collect $200! Go directly away from the TV.

If you start watching daytime TV and do not feel IQ points being sucked out of your head, it's too late. The damage has been done. This is because if you aren't watching the Discovery Channel or the History Channel, you are watching complete and total garbage. These are the shows they stick on people who have no money to spend in a supermarket. So, naturally, they suck. This is Judge Judy time. This is the time for Jerry Springer. Or even worse (although it's very hard to get worse than Springer) - soap operas. This is for people without a life. They don't have a life, so they go and watch manufactured stories of someone else's life. It is truly pathetic. And, apparently, once people get hooked on soap operas, they become addicted. I'm sure it was bad during the eighties when young girls were main lining "Luke and Laura" for their General Hospital fix.

Another thing that becomes increasingly disturbing, the longer you are sick, is you start to become a cold medicine connoiseur. Should you have lemon Theraflu with chicken soup or should you just stick with a buttered roll? Will a shot of regular flavored NiQuil keep you from eating anything else for the rest of your life or should you play it safe with cherry NiQuil shots? Are you a NiQuil man or a Robitussin man? Do you prefer the taste of new Robitussin or the old "stroke-making" flavor? Should you drink camamile tea or hot apple cider with vinegar and honey? Decisions.... decisions.

I find Robitussin D with a twist of lemon Theraflu to be the choice of champions. One shot of that, equivalent to two teaspoons, after a piping hot mug of lemon Theraflu with a drop of honey can really make your fever enhanced halucinations really entertaining. I take this in an easy chair with my least favorite flannel pajamas and let the good times roll. It beats daytime television and you don't even need a remote control.

The problem is that when you take this a small steathly individual sneaks into the house and plays with the clocks. 10:AM - Close eyes. Open eyes - the clock reads 12:PM. Close eyes again. Open eyes - the clock reads 1:30. He's really good and really fast. I don't know how he does the sunlight trick, though. Maybe someday, I'll find out.

The worst part of being sick is that actual being sick. This last volley with the sore throat, came with a headache and the runs. Later, it was followed by runny nose and congestion. There is nothing like the feeling of being like wet lint. Also, there is nothing like blowing your nose and having a mustache. That feeling is just wonderful. I'm sure the chemical reaction is very much like putting too much starch in a shirt and then wearing it wet. Unless, there is Advil on hand there really isn't much you can do about a headache. You pretty much have to ride it out, doing whatever modern day mental yoga techniques that you can devise.

For sore throats, there is the lozenge route or you can take a multi-symptom medicine that may or may not be effective immediately. There is Robitussin, NiQuil, and/or Theraflu. NiQuil is my least favorite. The stuffy head, sneezing, sore throat, achey, so you can rest medicine may work wonders. But I just don't like it. Cherry Niquil is bad but the liquorish flavored Niquil is the absolute worst. I can't even smell it without wanting to heave. The most immediate thing you can take to put out a sore throat is NICE lozenges. Put your throat on ICE with NICE. It works for me in conjuction with everything else.

Right now (as I'm writing this) I am victim to the tickle in the back of my throat. This keeps me coughing steadily. Robitussin D comes with an expectorant. Or, loosely translated, something to keep you coughing phlegm out of your lungs every ten minutes. This makes for a charming picture. Cough, HACK, PTOOEY! Again. Ugh. This is also why the "sickness and health" line was included in the marriage vows - to remind your spouse she signed up for this knowing better. I'm the lucky one. My wife takes care of me. I'm clueless on how to take care of other people. What works well with me does not always work with everyone else.

There is however the old standby - chicken soup. Now, I, being married to a vegetarian, am the only one in the house that this works for. Medical science is turning to the wives' tale of chicken soup due to the theraputic values of chicken fat. Apparently, there is something to it. I'm not one to argue. If it tastes good and does the job, it's for me. My paternal grandmother was really into the chicken soup thing and was right everytime. I find that a strict diet of the stuff should get you on your feet within the week.

And that's what I'm going to do right now. I'm going to have a nice bowl of chicken soup followed by my Robitussin Theraflu cocktail turn on my Jimmy Hendrix music and watch the show.

It's 3:PM - Good night.

* - Jolly Ranchers for those of you outside of the US are sucking candy.

** - Father Ted is one of the funniest shows produced on the BBC. Season 2 just came out on DVD. I recommend it highly.