Bless your heart
Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the
most awful kind of insult just as long as it's prefaced with
the words , "Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart."
As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head
of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a six lane highway."
Or, "Bless her heart, she's so bucktoothed, she could
eat an apple through a picket fence."
There are also the sneakier ones that I remember from tongue
clucking types of my childhood: "You know, it's amazing
that even though she had that baby 7 months after they got married,
bless her heart, it weighed 10 pounds!"
As long as the heart is sufficiently blessed, the insult can't
be all that bad, at least that's what my Aunt Tiny Mae (bless
her heart, she was anything but tiny) used to say.
I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling
me about her new Northern friend who was upset because her toddler
is just beginning to talk and he has a Southern accent. My friend,
who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about
those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After
all, this woman had CHOSEN to move to the South a couple of
years ago. "Can you believe it?" said my friend. "A
child of mine is going to be taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss."
Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from
the North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective,
their friendships and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian
food. I've even gotten past their endless complaints that you
can't find good bread down here.
The ones who really gore my ox are the native Southerners who
have begun to act almost embarrassed about their speech. It's
as if they want to bury it in the "Hee Haw" cornfield.
We've already lost too much.
I was raised to swanee, not swear, but you hardly ever hear
anyone say that anymore, I swanee you don't. And I've caught
myself thinking twice before saying something is "right
much," "right close" or "right good"
because non-natives think this is right funny indeed.
I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's hilarious when
I say I've got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor
or "cut off" the light. She also gets a giggle every
time I am fixin to do somethin.
My personal favorite was uttered by my aunt who said, "Bless
her heart, she can't help being ugly, but she could've stayed
home."
To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southernness:
take two tent revivals and a dose of redeye gravy and call me
in the morning. Bless your heart! And to those of you who are
still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff,
bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin to have classes on
Southernese as a second language!
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