How To Sing The Blues: A Primer
- Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
- "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the
Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like,
"I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
- The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right,
repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got
a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good
woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret
Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
- The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you
stuck in a ditch - ain't no way out.
- Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound
train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't
even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues
lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
- Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die
yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood"
means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot
a man in Memphis.
- Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii
or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle
is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis,
and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues.
You cannot have the Blues in no place that don't get no rain.
- A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman
with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you
were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator
be chomping on it is.
- You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall.
The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit
by the dumpster.
- Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
- Bad places for the Blues
a. Nordstrom
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
- No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit,
'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept
in it.
- Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
- Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly
white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
- If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline,
it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or Bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
e. Diet Coke
- If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's
a Bluesdeath. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another
Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse
and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues
death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
- Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
e. Caledonia
Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
e. Leroy
- Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany,
Brooke, Brittany, and Heather can't sing the Blues, no matter
how many men they shoot in Memphis.
- Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Deaf, Cripple, Lame,
etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime,
Kiwi, ! etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or
Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
- Oh, by the way. I don't care how tragic your life: if you
own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues.
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