Braindead Business Quotes
Be sure to read the source of the comments -- It becomes even
more pathetic.
They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real
life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:
- "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access
the building using individual security cards. Pictures will
be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards
in two weeks." - (This was the winning quote from Fred
Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
- "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems
we will encounter."- (Lykes Lines Shipping)
- "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or
data. It should be used only for company business." -
(Accounting Manager, Electric Boat Company)
- "This project is so important, we can't let things
that are more important interfere with it." - (Advertising/Marketing
manager, United Parcel Service)
- "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
- "No one will believe you solved this problem in one
day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busiy
for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell
them." - (R&D supervisor, Minnasota Mining and Manufactuing
- 3M Corp.)
- "My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25 page
proposal that only needed corrections. She claimed the disk
I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk
I gave her was write-protected." - (CIO of Dell Computers)
- Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing
what I say." - (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
- My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for
Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so
that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year.
He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He
said, "That would be better for me." - (Shipping
executive, FTD Florists)
- "We know that communication is a problem, but the company
is not going to discuss it with the employees." - (Switching
supervisor, At&T Long Lines Division)
- We recently received a memo from senior management saying:
"This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today
regarding the memo mentioned above." - (Microsoft, Legal
Affairs Division)
- One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to concerning
a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would
be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I
would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it." - (New
business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
- As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a
memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials.
In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned
the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training
manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive
committee, I was called into the HR director's office and
told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the
building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't
stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally,
he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I
be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red.
The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the
word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition
to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take
care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came
out directing us that no words which could not be found in
the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos.
A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy,
I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from
the Sunday paper. - (Taco Bell Corporation)
|
