"Every day I get in the queue (Too much, the Magic Bus)
To get on the bus that takes me to you (Too much, the Magic Bus)
I'm so nervous, I just sit and smile (Too much, the Magic Bus)
Your house is only another mile (Too much, the Magic Bus)
Thank you, driver, for getting me here (Too much, the Magic Bus)
You'll be an inspector, have no fear (Too much, the Magic Bus)
I don't want to cause no fuss (Too much, the Magic Bus)
But can I buy your Magic Bus? (Too much, the Magic Bus)
Nooooooooo!"
- The Who, Magic Bus

"Woke up, fell out of bed, dragged a comb across my head, found my way downstairs and drank a cup,
and looking up I noticed I was late. Found my coat and grabbed my hat, made the bus in seconds flat, found my way upstairs and had a smoke, and somebody spoke and I went into a dream."
- The Beatles, A Day In The Life

May 31st, 2002

I hate riding the bus.

This is not a lighthearted hate, either. This is a full blown, psychotic rage, bloody, beat people to a pulp kind of hate. And, although I have a short fuse to begin with, this is extra nasty because I continue to go through it five days a week, almost every week, twice a day. It's enough to make the staunchest alcoholic anonymous member start drinking again. I know it's really bad when I start to consider the tacked up ads at the supermarket that say, "Work from home and earn $1500 a week." My gut instinct knows that this is a con job, but nevertheless when combined with my bus commute, this becomes very appealing.

This hatred comes from years of riding on the bus locally and years of riding on the bus for somewhat longer distances. Riding the bus around town is slightly more maddening than riding the bus for longer distances, but only slightly.

When I was single I spent blissful ignorance not knowing life with a car. So, apart from not having to go anywhere that the bus line did not go to, I was fine. Usually, I didn't have to take a bus. Usually, I relied on the Jersey City/Hoboken PATH* system. It wasn't the greatest subway in the world, but it got me to where I had to go, anytime I wanted to. I didn't have to pay car insurance in northern New Jersey**, and my apartment was usually close enough to the subway that I spent most of my time on foot. Believe me, living in Hudson County in the mid 80's to early 90's was not a bad thing, transportationwise. If I wanted to go to Manhattan, I took the PATH there and it would take me to either Greenwich Village, the garden district, 33rd St., or the World Trade Center. A single person in Jersey City and Hoboken, really doesn't need a car when the PATH is available.

That's how I spent the majority of my college nights. If I wasn't in some of my local haunts or at some of my friends' houses I would be in the city. It really was a great way to spend 18 to 22. If I really needed to go west some places, there were alternate methods, there was bussing it and there was cabbing it. Also, bear in mind, my friends also had cars, so if I went out with them, they drove. So, all in all, I could get around.

The only real exceptions was when I either didn't have much cash, which was most of the time***, and I had to go to non-path related places or if I had to go to my parents' house, which was about once a month. The former was on a local bus route usually, the latter required me to go to the New York Port Authority to catch a bus to Howell, NJ. Both were not pleasant and both were problematic.

Local trips are hellish. I have discovered that the human condition in Northern New Jersey has produced an entire culture of lazy slobs. Whereas, instead of walking two blocks, passengers will have a bus stop at every corner from Journal Square to Bayonne, or Journal Square to Nungessers. This turns a 5 minute car ride into a 45 minute bus ride. The company you keep on that bus ride is just filled with new experiences as well. Ahhhh, the nuances of sharing an enclosed space with people who have not bathed in weeks.

I like to play the game "name the infectious disease of the guy/woman sitting next to you". This is loads of fun. See if you can diagnose what that person has in the 45 minutes it takes you to get to your destination before getting leprosy. If your finger falls off before you arrive, you lose.

My friend, Jim, used to play the "stare at the people on the bus until they look away" game. This is a game not for the weak willed or feint of heart. This is how you play:

1. Pick a person on the bus. (This is not the difficult part)
2. Make eye contact with that person.
3. Stare at them until they look away.
4. When they look away, move to the next person on the bus.
5. Repeat from step 2

Of course, if any of the people fail to look away, you lose. And now, of course, you have a completely new set of problems to deal with. Now it's time to move to the next game, "How to lose a stalker that just won't go away" game.

I recently, within the last year, had to repeat the experience of taking the Nungessers bus to my mother-in-law's house. The mind numbing experience of staying on a crowded bus in warm weather was almost enough to do me in. Next time, if I have to, I'll drive in instead.

But, once again, that's local service. The longer trips are a different animal altogether. 5 days a week, I commute from Freehold to Manhattan and from Manhattan back to Freehold. I feel it necessary to mention both routes because they can be two entirely different experiences. Within the 4 years or so, I have become a connoisseur of buses, bus drivers, and bus riding. To the uneducated reader, this may seem like a load of dingo's kidneys. But believe me, there are several survival techniques that must be mastered to ensure a comfortable and timely bus ride.

First, know your bus line. During my time of commuting I have discovered that 4 different bus lines make the trip from Freehold to Manhattan. Each have their pros and cons. These are the bus lines: Academy Tours Bus Line, Suburban Buses, Coast Cities Bus Line, and New Jersey Transit.

I'll start worst to best.

Academy Tours Bus Line - 1 star out of 100. This bus line has made a lot of money for my brother. He's a chiropractor. The seats are incredibly uncomfortable. The newer the bus, the more uncomfortable the ride. I believe, that Academy had these buses designed to squeeze more passengers onto each bus for maximum profit. Combined with the fact that these bus drivers are notoriously reckless, braking on a whim and taking hard turns, the trip is about as enjoyable as a root canal. If you are going directly to Wall Street, this is the bus line you are taking. It is the only bus line that goes from central New Jersey to Wall Street. They have a monopoly on it. They take about an hour and a half to get into the city via the Holland Tunnel and they take 2 hours to get from lower Manhattan to Freehold. Why? Because the traffic from Manhattan to NJ into the Holland Tunnel takes about 20 - 30 minutes extra. The trip is mind numbingly bad. Combine this with bus drivers that like to turn the AC on in the morning to create refrigerator like conditions to buses that have no AC in the summer months, make a ride like this a session with the Marquis DeSaad. The good news is that they are not expensive. 40 trips on this line costs $187. You can not buy a monthly pass.

Suburban Bus Lines & Coast Cities - 2 stars out of 5. I think they are the same company. First, the bad news, I think they buy Academy's surplus buses. The driver's aren't so good and they are more expensive than Academy Tours. So, when you are on the bus, it's not going to be a good ride. The good news is that you can use your NJ Transit bus tickets with them. They go from Central Jersey (Route 9) to the Port Authority. I have to subway it to Houston St. from there. Another bit of good news is that they leave via the Port Authority and go directly into the Lincoln Tunnel. There is also a Freehold Express that makes my stop the first stop. Travel time: 1 hour, 1 minute, either direction.

New Jersey Transit - 8 out of 5 stars. Truly, the best line of the lot. The drivers are courteous and drive well. They have very comfortable seats and are in great working order. They make great time to their destinations and drive directly into the Port Authority. This is the bus line I started taking after September 11th, after Academy Tours. I've never gone back. I catch the bus at 5:30 and I am in Manhattan at 6:30. I'm at my desk usually, by 7:AM. The only drawback with NJ Transit is that they cost $227 a month. A bit more than what I was paying for Academy, but you know what? It's worth it. I find the rides comfortable and that reduces my stress levels. I hate bus commuting, but this is the best of all the evils.

Once you have decided what line is best for you, you need to know how to make your ride as comfortable as possible. Sometimes, this is impossible. This can be caused by many things. One of which is some people's inability to recognize that they are fat, obese, smelly, inconsiderate, bastards. However, with my help, you can minimize the possibility of having one of these freaks next to you.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Choose an aisle seat near the back in the afternoon, preferably one where no one is sitting at a window seat. This leaves you with two seats. Having two seats to yourself after a long day of work is quite nice. Immediately, bury your face in a book and make your shoulders as wide as possible without moving your elbows out from your body. Use whatever natural puffer fish technique you can. People will think you are fat. This implies the seat to shoulder/ass ratio will make an uncomfortable trip for anyone looking for an empty seat next to you. Remember, if you are in the aisle seat you can lean over the chair handle and move your leg into the aisle. If you are against the window, there is nowhere to move. Keep your face buried into a book and put up the mental blinders. People are hesitant to disturb someone engulfed in a good book. Or just go to sleep (fake or otherwise), once again, people will hesitate before waking you up.
   
   
2. Choose an aisle seat near the front of the bus in the morning, once again, preferably one where no one is sitting in the window seat. The reason you should sit near the front in the morning is that everyone is going to get off at once when you get to your destination - i.e., the last stop. If you are in the front, you will be able to get off the bus easier. Once again, use the puffer fish technique and you will have a free seat as well.
   
   
3. If you can not find two empty seats, find an aisle seat with a skinny woman, preferably one that does not wear really bad, cheap, perfume. Nothing can nauseate you faster than really bad perfume for a long period of time in a moving vehicle. If you puke, it's even worse. That means you have to ride in a bus with your own digestion AND cheap perfume. And that would be bad. If an aisle seat is not available, at least you will be able to have plenty of room between you an the window.
   
   
4. Never sit next to anyone drunk - seat or aisle. Drunk people don't do well on moving vehicles and could spew at any moment. As a matter of fact, sit as far away from them as possible. You don't want any of their detox on you. If there is a bathroom on the bus, even worse. This invites the probability that they will have to urinate or vomit, you'll just be in the way. Times to watch out for is around Christmas time and New Year's Eve. Follow your nose, if you are in doubt.
   
   
5. Your seat is not an easy chair. Although your seat reclines quite far, it is an illusion. Do not choose your own personal lavish comfort level over the torture you will put on the man or woman behind you. The more you recline on your seat the greater the probability you are crushing someone's knees. Or at the very least, violating someone's real personal space. This one may save your life. Being bludgeoned by a fellow commuter is always messy. If you don't listen to this one, look on the bright side - There will always be someone who'll be able to let you know (in intimate detail) what the back of your scalp looks like. This is useful if you suspect you are going bald in a Friar Tuck sort of way. The only time that it's okay to luxuriate in reclining all the way is when the bus is relatively empty (I'd say 10 people or less. Not including the bus driver). Even worse, you may be the victim of one of these inconsiderate assholes. My knees have never recovered from the late 80's. The best way to avoid this problem is to sit behind someone who seems to be happy with his seat somewhat upright. DO NOT sit behind someone who has already reclined. That's just plain stupid. Only do so if there are no other seats left on the bus, and even then opt maybe for taking the next bus.
   
   
6. Do NOT reserve an empty chair by putting stuff on it. This tempts the asshole nature in people to say "Well, he didn't pay for two seats! I'll take that one next to him." The secret is to be unobtrusive, not to piss someone off. On the way home when the bus starts or if you get to the last stop when no more people are going to come on before the final destination, then you can relax in your two seat way home. Put your stuff in the overhead compartment, and cross your fingers that a big fat guy doesn't sit next to you. Remember: Puffer fish.

Always remember, you only paid for one seat. Anyone who gets onto that bus has the right to sit anywhere (with the exception of your lap) on the bus. So, don't put your bags there. Sitting next to skinny people is good unless they smell bad. Don't sit next to drunks, they are ticking time bombs.

And when in doubt: Puffer fish.

Addendum January 2nd, 2003

I just got this nail in my coffin this morning.

After my week and a half break from my hellish commute, I found out that the Coach USA/Suburban line lost the contract for the Route 9 bus route to New York to Academy Bus Line. There goes my morning paper and there goes my back. My brother-in-law, the chiropractor, will be thrilled.

If I didn't make is crystal clear before, let me do so now. Academy sucks. The seats are too narrow. The drivers are bad. The buses are old. And their newer buses were designed by the Marquis DeSaad. I can only hope for New Jersey Transit buses for the way home.

New Jersey transit states this about the customer impact.

While the carrier name and appearance of buses will change, you should experience no other changes. The transition from Suburban Trails/Coach USA to Academy Lines will not affect service, schedules, fares, or ticket acceptance.

Do you know what a "bald face lie" is? Well, if you didn't, you just saw one. Departure times during rush hour went from being every 10 minutes to every 15 minutes. So much for "no changes". The one thing you have to say about Academy is they remain consistent. Consistently bad.

I knew it wasn't going to work. Even when I took the flyer about the changes at face value, I had this thought. "That's all well and good but what about my comfort level and morning paper?"

They completely ignore the fact that everyone seems to win exept the actual commuter. This is New Jersey's way of giving us BOHICA.£

This is yet another reason to hate working in New York.

* - Port Authority Trans Hudson has stations at Newark, Journal Square, Newport Center, Exchange Place, Hoboken, (formerly) World Trade Center, Christopher Street, 14th St., 23rd St, and 33rd St. It's very convenient.

**- Car Insurance in New Jersey is one of the highest rates in the country, in Hudson County, even moreso. It is all due to the poor driving skills of uninsured drivers in Hudson County. That in itself is a rant.

***- Non working college students on scholarships don't have a lot of money. I had budgeted myself based on money that I made after every summer from Great Adventure or whatever summer job I had and banked all of my summer money in my savings account. I allotted myself $100 a month and my parents would give me an additional $100 so I could eat (St. Peter's at that time did not have a food program). So, from 1984 to 1988 I was basing my survival on $200 a month. I did my best on stretching a dollar on beer and cafeteria food, as well as cook my own.

£ - It stands for Bend Over, Here It Comes Again.