"'Diet' is DIE with a T."
- Garfield the Cat

"I'm not overweight, I'm undertall"
- Garfield the Cat

"You ate $40 of Chinese food... by yourself?!!!"
- Ann Bancroft to Dom Deluise in "Fatso"

March 5th, 2002

Dieting.

Does this suck or what?

I want all the young teen age to early twenties girls to take note of this rant. All of you rail thin, anorexic, never had to exercise in your life, high metabolism, eat anything you want, make fun of fat girls in your class, 2% body fat, drop dead gorgeous, young women - you know who you are - PAY ATTENTION!

You are in for a verrrrry rude awakening. Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. Do you hear that? That's the sound of your biological clock ticking away at the exact age your metabolism comes to a screeching halt.

I was just like you.... Well, not exactly, I'm very male. But you get the gist of what I'm saying.

Let me tell you, I was thin. Underweight. You could see my ribs in high school. Beanpole. At 5 foot 8 inches, age 16, in high school, I weighed 135 pounds. I shit you not. My favorite snack was powdered cool aid, tropical punch flavor, straight from the packet. If I wasn't eating that I was eating Doritos, pork rinds, cheeseburgers, fries, submarine sandwiches, grilled cheese, Twinkies and my personal favorite, Hostess Cherry Pies. I had eggs every morning. 135 lbs.

I did karate 4 times a week, when I wasn't doing that I was playing soccer. So, I was active. I also was a big prude. Beer was for other people, I got high on life.

At high school graduation, age 18, I was 5 foot 10 inches, 145 lbs. Wanna see a picture? I must've had 2% body fat. Dieting was a thing that other people, like my sister, did.

Then I went to college.

And I discovered....Beer (lowers head in divine reference to the word). I think the only thing that offset the fact that I was drinking alcohol, was that I literally had no time to eat. So, for four years, I got my nutrition from barley, hopps, and cafeteria food. My favorite beer as my site indicates is Hacker-Pschorr Weisse Beer with Rasberry syrup and lemon (don't knock it until you've tried it). AND, I was smoking. During the summer, I would work on a loading dock which was hard work and excercise. Total weight at college graduation, age 22, 5 foot 10 inches - 155 lbs.

SCREEEEEECHHHHH!!!! CRASH!!!!!!

Almost a year after graduation, I started to work in New York City at a commodity house. I was up at 5:AM, I got home at 7:30 - 8:PM in the evening. The commute was by bus. I ate dinner at 8:30 PM and went to bed - NO LATER - than 10:PM, so I could get up at 5:AM. I had no life. I had no exercise. I had no time. In six months my weight went up from 155 lbs. to 170 lbs. I moved up to Jersey City for an easier commute, halted the weight gain, and regained a life.

And since my college was in Jersey City, and I knew the bars in the area, I got to party as much as I wanted to. For a period of 4 months, I was even in a New Jersey City State University production of Jesus Christ Superstar. So, once again, no time to eat, hectic active schedule, and choreography sessions staved off weight gain.

Then I started to work at my current job after the production was over.

And then the real trouble began.

I got into a "relationship", which I won't go into detail, but suffice it to say, it was not a beneficial one. By the time I had finished my "relationship", I had gained weight (198 lbs), smoking was a regular thing, eating was more than a regular thing, exercise was a non-existant thing, and drinking was a Guinness thing.

It was ALL FAT. No muscle. And It was not a good place to be at age 26.

Two months afterward, I began a workout regimine at the local health club. 5 nights in the gym, Broccoli Pasta Salad for dinner, 60-30-10 diet plan, and I kept smoking. After 6 months, I was down to 165-170. Okay, it was a little obsessive. And it was torture. I hated what I was eating. And I worked out all the time. But, I was in shape again.

Dieting sucks.

Then I met my wife. No time to work out. No time to diet. Full concentration on career. Wedding Plans.....AND... I gave up smoking.

By the time I had gotten married, I was at 180 again.

6 months after that, it was like I was at a check out counter with a clerk paying a bill.

"Let's see.... Hmmmmm.... Got married, that'll be 10 pounds... Gave up smoking... that will be another 10 pounds. Congratulations, sir, you will now be 200 lbs."

Then I did Weight Watchers and went down to 175 lbs.

Then I increased my commute to 2 hours a day and my weight shot up to 218 lbs.

After that, a small voice in the back of my mind, said, "ENOUGH!!!!"

I began doing a workout regimine at the local gym in Freehold. This regimine was based on Bill Phillips: Body for Life and Weight Watchers 123. I was in the gym 6 days a week from 20 minutes to an hour each time. I made certain that when I came off the bus, that I would rest for only 20 minutes before beginning my workout and then I would go to the gym. It is a great way to get out stress, but it's tiring and I still hate it. I'm 36 years old and I hate this shit. (If you have forgotten why, see my Working Out Rant).

But I digress.

The point I'm trying to make with this entire monologue is that people born thin with high metabolisms have a great time in their younger years. But after age 25, when their metabolism stops they have a VERY rough time of it because they have never had to have the discipline of regulating what they eat.

So, what price do we pay in the future?

Well, if you are like me and wind up going to Weight Watchers meetings, then you get to pay $12 - $20 bucks a week to be weighed (by women who have mastered the art of basic arithmatic) and then you get to spend the next hour in a meeting with a group of fat women talking about what they did and did NOT eat. I don't know about you, but for me it was purgatory.

I got to listen to....

"I lost 2 pounds this way. I ate a salad and soup, regularly. For breakfast I ate oatmeal everyday for 3 months. I learned how to eat salad differently by dipping my fork into the dressing and eating the lettuce like that. For dinner, I substituted yogurt for sour cream in my baked potato and......"

AARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

If I kept doing that I'd be on top of a roof with a high powered rifle, shooting fat women, laughing hysterically because they were the easiest targets.

Now, let me tell you, I've been on a 60-30-10 (60% Carbs, 30% Protein, 10% Fat) diet, BFL, and Weight Watchers and the best of the three that has given me the best results is Weight Watchers (As of this writing, I'm at 197 lbs.). But that is not an excuse to subject the male of this species to those meetings. When I think about the time I spent there, I could spew (Not a recommended weight loss method, either).

But let me go on a slight tangent for a moment. This dieting chapter in peoples' lives is the only true sense of justice and irony left in this world. How many times do we think back to our high school days and remember all of the fat girls that we abused? How many times do we see these brainless, mercilessly cruel, cheerleader bimbos that had high metabolisms in high school abuse all of these fat women? And how many times at high school reunions, do we see that the fat girls have transformed into attractive thinner women (with great personalities) and the skinny popular cheerleaders have transmorgrified into rotund, abused, mothers that married their highschool quaterback husband (who is currently out of work because he's too stupid and drunk to hold down a job) who is cheating on her because she is too fat to have sex with now and can't lose the weight from their pregnancies because they never learned how?

Chances are the fat girls had to work hard all of their lives to learn how to regulate their eating and are used to it. They learned how to properly eat a balanced nutrititious meal. They were also free from being incredible assholes. These are the women that men marry. Men, especially those who are working on marriage number 2, becuase their trophy wife turned out to be a complete and utter bitch, tend to learn their lessons well. They have learned too much time, energy, and money go to wife maintenance. And it's good to fall in love with a woman who has a great personality and will age gracefully.

The skinny cheerleader women usually end up on Jerry Springer, eventually. You know the ones I'm talking about. The "what the hell is that" women. The "Stop her before she eats to the children" women. The "OH MY GOD! It's heading for us" women.

The same goes for men as well, obviously. Think about what industries run the country and who runs them. The skinny guys with the pocket protectors and the slide rules. Now, think about who digs the ditches.

Things like this help me sleep soundly at night.

Justice is served.