"People will say we're in love."
- Hannibal Lechter to Clarisse Starling in Silence Of The Lambs.

"Axe murderers are usually caucasian males in their 20's and 30's. They frequently behave cruelly to animals and may be obsessed with fire and/or matches."
- How to determine if your date is an axe murderer from The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating & Sex.

June 21st, 2002 - edited again June 22nd, 2002

How many times do I have to go over this?

DON'T DATE PSYCHOS!!!!!

I have to say this over and over and over again either to my friends, to my sisters, to my wife (well, not TO my wife, that damage has already been done) to relay to her friends, or to my co-workers.

"Don't date psychos." It seems easy enough to understand.

And here's the thing, the term psycho is not sexually discriminatory. Men and women can be equally psychotic. So, single people, hone your radars, because you have to be able to spot a psycho after the first date. Hopefully, you will be able to determine if a man or a woman is a psycho after the first introduction. That twinkle in his or her eye may not just be excitement, it could be authentic dementia.

I fear the woman psychotic more than the male one. Men, as a group, are just too trusting and stupid. You'd be amazed what we'd go through on the very chance of getting into bed with a woman. Once again, being psychotic does not discriminate. Pretty women as well as ugly women can be psychos. Remember this phrase, you'll hear it on your answering machine until the tape runs out, "WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED ME??!!!" That's a clue. If you hear that sentence more than twice on your answering machine before your first date with the hottie you met at a bar last night - you are about to date a psycho. Get out while the gettins good.

The female psychopath is extremely and unusually affectionate on the first date and very possessive of her new man by the second. While these two attributes are pluses in a stable relationship when you are in the long haul, they are positively frightening in a new casual fling. She'll want to sleep with you immediately.* The sex will be like nothing you've ever had before, because in her mind, you are THE keeper. This is her "entrance exam". Once she has established in your mind that she is dynamite in bed she'll want to keep you close. Like a dog, they have now marked their territory with several public displays of affection and want everyone of the same sex to know it. There is no open banter with other women. There is only, "Stay away! He's MINE!!" It's unsettling to say the least. Also, it is quite limiting to any encounter you would like to have in group get togethers.

You will also wish to bear this in mind as well. Now, that you've slept with her, she can always pull the old, "BUT YOU MADE LOVE TO ME!!! YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME!!!! I GAVE MYSELF TO YOU!!!!" Like AIDS, beware of who you do sleep with. There may be problems down the road.

Fortunately, for me, my days of dating psychos are over. I'm married now and am cultivating my own psychosis. I've retired my number and now live in complete and total bliss with my wife. I do have my battlescars, though. This is why married men and single men can get together and enjoy themselves. It's very much like the scar comparison scene in the movie, JAWS.

"Do you see that one, my young friend?", the old married man says.

"Those four lines on the back of your shoulder?", says the rookie single boy.

"1985 - She was young and hot. I dated her for two weeks and she dug four fingers into my back. I almost didn't make it out alive."

"That's nothing, look at this one...."

And so it goes.

A male friend of my wife's, a really nice guy who is a female psycho magnet, has had several close calls. One of my favorites was when he got a bill from his girlfriend (psycho) who gave it to him stating that was the amount of money it will cost him to maintain her.

Be afraid.... be very afraid.

He met someone in a chat room that lived in Newark, NJ. He being a north Jersey man himself (recently transplanted to the shore) thought it would be a great idea to meet this woman in person. He saw a "picture" of her and thought she was pretty (Psychos are not physically distinctive). He met her at her apartment building. She opened the door and he saw living proof of Bigfoot. After taking the sasquatch to lunch and determining that she was indeed a psycho and not a good looking one at that. He walked her upstairs and said that he left something in his car. He ran downstairs and peeled rubber out of the parking lot.

It was a good move. He has more stories but I'm sure you get the idea.

I recommend the following films to anyone who thinks women psychos are not dangerous: Play Misty for Me, Fatal Attraction, and So, I Married An Axe Murderer. Let us also remember that Lorraina Bobbit mutilated her husband and got away with it. I remember that sent a shiver through every married man in New York at the time. These are possible consequences that men face. So, don't be surprised that you should get a month of the "why haven't you called me?" messages, you get a rabbit boiling in a pot of water on the stove, or a stalker who should ask you to play her favorite song on the radio. And don't come crying to me.

DON'T. DATE. PSYCHOS!!!!!

Male psychos are different. I'm not saying that they are better or worse. They are just different. Heterosexual or homosexual, they can be equally frightening to man or woman. But for time's sake, let's talk about the heterosexual psychotic male. Combine the male trusting nature and need for sex with the incredible emotional instability of being rejected. Yikes! I hear it from my wife (not about me) about her friends and from co-workers that are stalked.

Let me remind everyone here that stalking is illeagal.

The male psycho is dangerous.** Usually larger than the victim and more physically imposing, he stands to do alot of injury if not a fatality. He has the inability of hearing the word "no". He will usually come on slowly after much practice but eventually he will show his hand of being the emotionally unstable person he really is. It could take days, it could take weeks, months even. But eventually, he will destruct. The signs are more subtle than the female psycho because usually this is a man that has almost everything the woman is looking for. A willingness to commit, good with children (sometimes), money (sometimes), are not uncommon features for the male psycho.

A female friend of mine had a problem with a guy she was dating. She is a psycho loser magnet.

Her (now ex-) husband, was a major loser psycho. I've never met him. I only got to hear about what he has done since their divorce. He married her as wife number 2. Fathered a 2nd daughter with her. Cheated on her after he couldn't hold down a job. He doesn't pay child support and has been in and out of jail, I don't know how many times. He is more a loser than a psycho. But nevertheless...

[I did rant about her current boy friend who would certainly fit the male psycho loser profile, but he offed himself shortly after the first upload of this article and I have now edited it. I stay my hand out of some respect for the dead, coaxing from my wife and he being very recently deceased. However, all I can say at this point is that suicide is the ultimate in fitting with the psycho profile. I have mixed feelings about this guy. If you take yourself out of the game due to mental illness, I feel bad as he most likely was not completely responsible for his actions. This is offset by the amount of suffering he created during the last two months of his life. So, you make the call.]£

DON'T. DATE. PSYCHOS!!!!! I just can't say it enough times.

I've taken these snippets from the popular THE WORST-CASE SCENARIO Survival Handbook: DATING & SEX. Harken to these suggestions if you are having psycho dating problems.

How to determine if your date is an axe murderer (from Julie Harmon Phd, director of IMPACT Safety):

• Watch for the following (3 of these traits may be dangerous):
  • A caucasian male in his 20's or 30's.
  • Obsession with fire or matches.
  • Cruelty to animals.
  • History of bed wetting.
  • Sexually abused as a child.
  • Middle class background combined with loner behavior.
  • Difficulty maintaining relationships
    
    
• Trust your intuition - If you feel something is wrong, it probably is.
  
  
• Check him out officially. (Obtain his social security number and call the Federal Prison Locator Service (202) 307-3126.)
  
  
• If you discover grounds for suspicions, break off the relationship immediately - Be clear and definite about your decision. Return all of his belongings or gifts. DO NOT MAKE PROMISES TO KEEP IN TOUCH! Be straightforward and kind and talk only about yourself and why the relationship no longer works for you. Try not to make him angry.
  
  
• Take steps to maintain your safety.
  • Carry a cell phone.
  • Install a home security system.
  • Change your phone numbers.
  • Stay near populated, well lit areas.
  • Apprise a friend or relative of your concerns.
  • Document any strange or unusual happenings.
  • Take a personal/safety self defense class.
    
    

How to escape from a bad date (from Antonio J. Mendez - retired CIA intelligence officer):

• Fake an emergency:
  1. Excuse yourself from the table to wash up. Take your cell phone with you or go to a phone out of your date's line of vision. Get the number of the restaurant or establishment you are at.
  2. Call a friend or relative for help. Tell them to call you and have you paged. Make a personal, business, or family emergency.
  3. Leave quickly before your date can protest. (Apologise, but refuse any attempt to have your date accompany you)
     
     
• Slip away unnoticed:
  1. Identify your escape route.
  2. Plan to alter your appearance (Hide your distinctive features).
  3. Excuse yourself from the table. (To get to a rest room to make your disguise)
  4. Add or remove garments.
  5. Change your walk and posture.
  6. Use or remove cosmetics (for women).
  7. Change hairstyle or color.
  8. Adopt a cover role (pretend to be a waiter or maintenance worker)
  9. Mave your move (and do not look at your date).
     
     
• Slip out the window (if you can't slip away unnoticed by disguise):
  1. DON'T USE A FIRE EXIT! It may be alarmed.
  2. Locate a usable window (preferably in the bathroom).
  3. Attempt to open it.
  4. Absolute WORST Case: Lock the door and break the window with either a waste paper basket or paper towel dispenser. Strike the center of the glass and punch away any shards with a jacket or cloth covered fist.
  5. Make your escape.
     
     
• Get your date to leave:
  1. Say something offensive. (If your date is of a particular religion or ethnicity make an inapproprate comment)
  2. Behave inappropriately. (Pretend to sleep, talk on cellphone, chew with mouth open - anything goes!)
  3. Send your date on a fool's errand. Say you will meet him or her at a certain place, say that in fifteen minutes, you'll have a friend waiting at a crowded club and for them to go ahead and reserve a place. Then never show up.
     
     

How to end a relationship (from Susan Page - author of If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I So Single? and other books):

1. Get out immediately. The moment you realize it's gone sour, get out.
2. Decide on a mode of communication. - e-Mail, voicemail, or card may seem cowardly but have their advantages especially for a short term relationship. For long term relationships write a letter and hand it to them in person to be read while you are there.
3. Be kind. Mention the things you like about your partner and the good times you've shared.
4. State your position simply and be decisive. Give your reasons. It is not necessary for the person to agree with you.
5. Keep the focus on yourself and not the other person. "This relationship is just not working for me."
6. Do not belabor the point. Don't give a long explanation. If the reason is painful to the other person do not mention it.
7. Do not try to take away the pain. It is not your job to make the person feel better. Be firm and not cruel.
8. NEVER SAY: I WILL CALL YOU. Instead say something more final like "Maybe, I'll see you around sometime. If not, have a nice life."

The "It's not you, it's me" letter - (For short term relationships)

Dear _______,

I won't be able to make it this Saturday or any Saturday, in fact. The truth is that I just can not be in a committed relationship, right now. It's not you, it's me. I'm just not able to appreciate all that you have to give.

I feel like we've been spinning our wheels the last few (years/months/weeks/days). I can't believe how wonderful you've been to me and how much you've put up with. You deserve better. I can't put you through this anymore and I can't give you what you (need/want/deserve) right now. I need more space, and I need to figure out who the real (your name here) is.

It may take some time, but I hope we can still be friends.

Sincerely,

(your name here)

Hopefully, this should be enough for you to go on. For more details just buy the book.

It should really all boil down to this-

If you are thinking about casual sex. Think again. Sex with no strings attached is a myth or a lure. People who fall for that one are susceptible to the old Jedi Mind Trick. If you are lucky enough to discover a psycho before you sleep with him or her - run away. Run quickly and run far. They are no good. Consider yourself lucky you got out in time.

If you are thinking about living with someone, make certain they know it's a trial period. If you are serious - get married. If not, be prepared to move away... far, far away. Or at least know the name of a good locksmith and where you can get a good home security system. Or at least where you can buy a gun that will feel comforable in your hand. Because when it goes sour, no one gets out unscathed. There is nothing worse than a disgruntled ex. You may be lucky and have an amicable break up, but they are rare. It's like ripping off a band aid. The firm, quick way is best. There will be some pain, but it will go away eventually, as if it had never been.

If you are thinking about marriage. BE SURE!!! If want want to share your bed for the next 50 or 60 years with the same person make sure you make it to the next morning. When you are with a psycho, male or female, you literally take your life in your hands. If not just your lifestyle and identity. They prey on you, the innocent. I can't remember the last figures on divorce statistics, but I'm sure it's somewhere near 50-50.

It's best that you go in knowing your potential mate as a friend, co-conspirator, mate, and lover. In that order. Marriage is not a decision to be made lightly, but when it's made, take it seriously. It should be done with great deliberation and not in Reno under an assumed name while consuming mass quantities of alcohol.

For people who think that a sexy psycho can be dealt with and a relationship with one is a good idea, I would like to suggest a course in self dentistry with the use of 19th century equipment.

It is far less painful.

Update July 18th, 2003

Since publishing this article over a year ago, it has become one of the more viewed articles on my site. People have linked to it and I have gotten a lot of positive feedback from it.

I can die happy now.

But, okay, don't believe me that women can be psychos. (I know men can be, but apparently there is some doubt that women can be psychos as well). If you really wish to see what can go on as for the daily activity of a psycho female go to this site: www.thingsmygirlfriendandihavearguedabout.com.

I shit you not. A site called "Things My Girlfriend And I Have Argued About". This is what a somewhat sane man does against a psychotic mind. (I say "somewhat sane" because a normal rational man would have moved out by now.)

*- That in itself is not a bad thing, of course. Just be a little leery of it.

**- Actually, now that I think on it, the female psychotic is dangerous, too. How easy would it be for one of them to kill you in your sleep? What did Lorraina Bobbit do? How sure was every man in the country that she was going to fry for what she did and then wasn't? Ask John Wayne Bobbit.

***- Rule #1 - NEVER DATE ANYONE INTO COUNTRY WESTERN MUSIC!!!! I'm sorry if I've really offended anyone. Country Western music, although popular, shows the pain and misery that other people go through. If you find someone who is into seeing other people's pain and suffering, it's usually a bad sign. Going to a country western BAR is full of people you do not want to date. Think about it carefully before donning that urban cowboy hat. My wife was into country western music and it has taken YEARS to wean her off of it. She now listens to rock like a good American girl.

Remember, Country Music - BAD, Rock and Roll Music - GOOD.

£- At this point, I'll quote the Queen song, Don't Try Suicide - "Don't try suicide! Nobody's worth it! Don't try suicide! Nobody cares! Don't Try Suicide! Just gonna hate it! Don't Try Suicide! Nobody gives - Nobody gives - NOBODY GIVES A DAMN!" .... My attitude toward the people who just want to take themselves out of play. This guy wanted to send a message to my friend by doing it in her garage. The police cleared the body before she got home.