New Medications for Women
- S t M o m 's W o r t
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to six hours.
- E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by
enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and
how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
- P e p t o b i m b o
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed
before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence,
and improves flirting.
- D u m e r o l
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ causing
enjoyment of country western music.
- F l i p i t o r
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road
rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
- A n t i b y o t i c s
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in
improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money
spent on make-up.
- M e n i c i l l i n
Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to
such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person
... can we get naked now?"
- B u y a g r a
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency
and duration of spending spree.
- E x t r a S t r e n g t h B u y - O n e - a l l
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying
frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie
Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
- J a c k A s s p i r i n
Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your
birthday, anniversary or phone number.
- A n t i - t a l k s i d e n t
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone
too eager to share their life with total strangers.
- S e x c e d r i n
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now,
dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
- R a g a m e t
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation
as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and
trouble of doing it herself.
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