A Bubbe's Guide to Impeachable Offenses

(Vikar's note: I am not a Jew. So, I'm guessing from everything I can find on the net that a "bubbe" is an old Jewish Mother or Grandmother. If I'm not right about this, someone from the Jewish community please write me and let me know what a "bubbe" is. Thanks. - Vikar)

  • Checking out with more than 10 Items in the Supermarket Express Lane.
  • Getting caught hiding in the basement on Yom Kippur, eating a ham sandwich on white bread and washing it down with a glass of milk.
  • Hiding winning Mah Jongg tiles in your brassiere.
  • Grabbing the last four cans of the tuna that's on sale off the supermarket shelf *after* you've seen Mrs. Nussbaum from Apt. 2-B being dropped off at the store by her daughter.
  • Giving the cat Mrs. Nussbaum's can of tuna just for the sheer joy of it.
  • Deciding to go for the "Christie Brinkley" look right before your grandson's wedding, complete with blond hair and blue eyeshadow.
  • Throwing out four boxes of post-WWII seamed stockings just because modern pantyhose get fewer runs.
  • Having two glasses of Manischewitz instead of one at your grandnephews Bar Mitzvah, falling off your folding chair and having to be helped out to the car.
  • Melting your free collection of rain bonnets by placing them too close to the Shabbos candles.
  • Telling your expecting granddaughter that she has to name her baby Irving because "It's been 20 years, and no one is named after Grandpop."
  • Running out of Shabbos candles and rather than getting out to the store, borrowing a 10-inch one in a container with a soulful-eyed New Testament figure on it, from Mrs. Velasquez down the hall.
  • After your grandson's wedding, entertaining the guests at Table #20 with tales of your recent colonoscopy just as dinner is served.
  • Recycling last year's received Chanukah cards with a wallet-sized x-ray of your colonoscopy on the front and the greeting: "It's a REAL MIRACLE I didn't die".
  • Getting to the Early Bird Special twenty minutes late and insisting you were there on time.
  • Getting an 'OU-Glatt Kosher' stamp and using it on 'Jimmy Dean Li'l Frozen Sausages' whenever your Orthodox relatives come for brunch.

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