A Thinking Problem
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties
now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led
to another, and soon was more than just a social thinker. I
began to think alone. "to relax," I told myself, but
I knew it wasn't true.
Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally
I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I
knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't
stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could
read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied
and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing
here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I
had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of
life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss
called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts
me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem.
If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another
job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. Honey,"
I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and
I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip a quiver. "You
think as much as a college professor, and college professors
don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have
any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently,
and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the
library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with
NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to
the big glass doors...they didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for
me that night.
As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering
for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy
thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize
that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I
never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational
video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences
about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life
just seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
Soon, I will be able to vote Republican.
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