Andy's Jokes

I've been getting a whole bunch of jokes from a reader that goes by AndyInAPickle. Since many of these are short one liners, I thought it would be best to assemble them ensemble.

I was milking the cow when she kicked me with her back hoof.

So I tied it to the stall.

She then kicked me with her other back hoof.

So I tied that one to the stall.

She then whacked me in the face with her tail.

So I tied the tail to her horns.

I then realized I had to pee and as I was undoing my zipper, my wife walked into the parlor.

Boy! Did I have some explaining to do.

Patty, Mick, and Seamus sat in a building site canteen when Patty produced a thermos flask.

"What's that?" said Mick.

"A thermos flask", replied Patty.

"What's it do?", asked Mick.

"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

After work Mick went into the shop and bought the biggest flask imaginable. The next day he put it on the table.

"What's that?", Seamus asked.

Mick gave the same explanation as Patty.

Seamus then asked, "What've you got in there?"

"Two cups of coffee and a chocolate ice."

I've just found out that my wife is lying to me. Every day, she says that she's leaving me. And every night when I get home from work she's still there.

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the MinneapolisCity Council has established a "Women Only" parking lot at the Mall of America.

Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons. Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota.

I farted in the pub the other day and this woman said,"How dare you do that in front of me"

I replied "Sorry madam, I didn't know it was your turn."

My mate insulted me.

I said, "How can you say that when I stuck up for you when someone said you weren't fit to live with pigs? I said you were."

My mate's bald (like me).

If we put our heads together we could make a right arse of ourselves.

I went into the pet shop and asked, "Do you sell wasps?"

The Pet Shop owner said, "No."

"Well, you had one in the window last week."

Prince Charles said to the Queen, "I'm going to the hunt ball at Blenheim and I don't know what to wear."

The Queen said, "Wear the fox hat."

My wife asked, "Have you been having sex behind my back?"

I replied,"Who did you think it was?"

Airline stewardess to a passenger:
"Would you like some of our TWA coffee, sir?"

"No thanks," the passenger said, "but I'd like to sample your TWA tea."

A fellow from London goest to stay with his police officer brother in Arizona.

After a week, the London brother is fed up as his Arizona Cop brother is working nights. So, the cop says, "I'll have a week off next week."

"Great!" the London brother says, "But what do I do over the weekend?"

"Go down to the IR.", says the cop.

"What's that?"

"The Indian Reservation."

"Then what?"

"You get a YS.", says the cop.

"What's that?"

"A Young Squaw."

"Then take her to a WW."

"What's that?" says the London brother.

"A Wigwam. Then have a BGBU."

"And that would be...?"

" A Bloody Good Bunk Up."

So, on Saturday Night at 11:30 the London brother is running down the street like a bat out of hell when his police officer brother pulls up in the patrol car. "What's up with you?" asked the cop.

"Well," the London brother says, "I went down to the IR and found the YS and I took her to the WW."

"And did you have a BGBU?", asked the cop.

"No," says the London brother, "I was going to but FBI got to me."

"The FBI! The Federal Bureau of Investigation?!!!"

"No," said the London brother. "A F#%king Big Indian."

A father runs over a deer, puts it in the boot, takes it home, skins and guts it then cooks it for the kids' tea.

He didn't want them to know what they were eating.

After a few minutes the little boy said "What's this dad?"

Dad said, "I'll give you a clue, it's something Mummy calls me sometimes."

A few more minutes went by and the little girl looked at her brother and said "Don't eat it! It's a f%#king a$$hole!"

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story? The asshole is usually in charge !!

A German shepherd & a Jack Russell in the vetrinarian's office.

The German shepherd says,"What are you in for?"

The Jack Russell says,"Neighbour's cat came in and ate my food so I gave it one & I've got to have my nuts chopped off. What are you in for?"

The German shepherd says my mistress came downstairs the other morning, stark naked, and took the washing out of the machine, s she bent over I couldnt resist it, I had to do it."

The Jack Russell says, "Are they taking your nuts off as well?"

"No, I've got to have to have my claws clipped."

What's the difference between inlaws & outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all drown?

I SAID TO THIS GIRL IN THE BAR,"YOU REMIND ME OF MY FOURTH WIFE."

SHE ASKED,"HOW MANY HAVE YOU HAD?"

"THREE. "

The phone rang and the boss said,"Paddy, it's for you."

Paddy gets on the phone and says,"Oh that's sad! I'm sorry to hear that."

The boss says,"Bad news Paddy?"

"Thats my mum, my dad's dead."

30 minutes later, phone goes again and the boss says,"It's for you, Paddy."

Paddy gets on the phone and says,"Oh that's sad! I'm sorry to hear that."

"More bad news, Paddy?"

"That's my brother, his dad's dead as well."

Q. Why does a man stand with his back to the fire & a woman stands facing it?
A. The man is warming the whole (hole) of mankind & the woman is warming the whole (hole) of creation.

TWO MEN IN A BAR,ONE HAS A DOG & THE DOG IS LICKING ITS PRIVATE PARTS.
THE MAN WITHOUT A DOG SAYS"I WISH I COULD DO THAT".
THE DOGS OWNER SAID"IF YOU GIVE HIM A COOKIE HE'LL PROBABLY LET YOU"

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