Barbie's Christmas List
Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245
Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 2004
Dear Santa:
Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every
year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing
skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake
tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to
ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas,
or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you
won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list for 2004:
Santa:
- A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller
are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what
it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
- Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably
white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD
imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
- A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo
over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with
that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him,
at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
- Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned
Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
- Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have
to twist, get it done.
- A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.
- A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't
cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public
relations senior account exec!
- A new, more 21st century persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie",
complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie
dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie",
with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat,
bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking
Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped
with several packs of gum.
- No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking
my vinyl.
- Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve
it.
Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution
to society, I don't think these requests are out of line.
If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for
next Christmas.
It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
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