Making My Company the Very BEST Place to Work
Dear Employee,
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department
areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early
retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people
who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out
older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement,
will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look
for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment
records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase
of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All
employees
who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper
management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED
once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the
company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be
entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's
Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee
who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or
SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain
on board that
the company will continue its policy of training employees through
our:
Special High Intensity Training (SH!T). We take pride in the
amount of SH!T our employees receive. We have given our employees
more SH!T than any company in this area. If any employee feels
they do not receive enough SH!T on the job, see your immediate
supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive
all the SH!T
you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with
us.
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