Best Uttered on Hollywood Squares
Hollywood Squares, which has been on forever and originally
hosted by Peter Marshall had probably some of the best off the
cuff lines from TV and movie stars of the time.
Here are a couple of the quips.
Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should
be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should
do it.
Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...
Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help"
and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the
next apartment.
Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you
probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party
and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out
directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you
get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to
say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple
and a twenty.
Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or
less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question,
Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q: Can breathing in and out of a paper bag help stop
anything?
A: George Gobel: If it's filled with wine it can stop
me from shaking.
Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries.
Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy
growing strawberries!
Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects
at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag
his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you
give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid
of the dark.
Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong
with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your
body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't
neglected!
Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more
than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish
on his head what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your
wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for
it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is
up to him.
Q: True or false, the dining room of the House of Representatives
in Congress serves 10-12 gallons of beans every day?
A: George Gobel: And they go pass... (laughter) legislation!
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes
in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions.
What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water
long enough.
Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can
you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice
For some of the younger readers:
Charlie Weaver, a.k.a, Uncle Charley, a.k.a, Cliff Arquette
was the patriarch of the Arquette Clan of celebrities which
include Rosanna and David. He was a mainstay in the corner square
for many, many years.
Paul Lynde, star of stage, screen, and TV, was best
known for being the center square on Hollywood Squares and had
frequent appearances on shows of the time, including F-Troop
and The Osmondes. He was also the voice of Templeton the Rat
in Charlotte's Web. He remained the center square until his
death in 1982.
Rose Marie, was best known for her long time role as
Sally on the Dick Van Dyke Show.
Don Knotts, best known as Barney Fife from the Andy
Griffith Show.
Vincent Price, a Hollywood Legend, was best known for
his horror flicks that spanned from the 50's to the early 90's.
George Gobel, star and comedian of the time, (I can't
think of anything other than the following) played the voice
of Papa Mouse in Rankin Bass's Twas The Night Before Christmas.
Marty Allen, was a comedian of the 60's and 70's, he
was half of the comedy team Allen and Rossi.
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