If Only My Dogs Could Read
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator
door - snout height.
Dear Dogs,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and
contain your food. The other dishes are mine
and contain my food. Please note, placing a
paw print in the middle of my plate of food
does not stake a claim for it becoming your
food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR
and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the
bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king
sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not
think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs can
actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is
not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit
from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat
you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn
the knob or get your paw under the edge and
try to pull the door open. I must exit through
the same door I entered. Also, I have been
using the bathroom for years -- canine
attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the
other dog's butt. I cannot stress this
enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted
the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like
to Complain About Our Pets
- They live here. You don't.
- If you don't want their hair on your clothes,
stay off the furniture. (That's why they call
it "fur"niture.)
- I like my pets a lot better than I like most
people.
- To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an
adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy,
walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than
kids because they:
- Eat less
- Don't ask for money all the time
- Are easier to train
- Usually come when called
- Never drive your car
- Don't hang out with drug-using friends
- Don't smoke or drink
- Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
- Don't wear your clothes
- Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
- If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
|
