Lawyer Jokes

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• Q: Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
  A: Professional courtesy.
  
  
• Q: What do you call 1,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
  A: A good start.
  
  
• Scientists have decided to experiment on lawyers instead of rats. First of all, the scientists become less attached to lawyers before the experiment. And secondly, there are just some things a rat won't do.
  
  
• Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
  A: A prostitute will stop screwing you after you're dead.
  
  
• Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
  A: About three pounds, including the urn.
  
  
• Q: How does an attorney sleep?
  A: First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
  
  
• Q: What's the difference between lawyers and potholes?
  A: People don't usually run over the same pothole more than once.
  
  
• Q: How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
  A: When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
  
  
• The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
  
  
• Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
  A: She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
  
  
• As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doc?"
  
  "There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
  
  
  
• Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
  A: Your honor.
  
  
• Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
  
  
• Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
  A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
  
  
• Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
  A: Never enough.
  
  
• A man took a trip out west after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses."
  
  Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up, "Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country."
  
  
  
• Q: Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
  A: New Jersey got first choice.
  
  
• Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?
  A: He saw a car accident on the other side.
  
  
• Q: Why don't hyenas eat lawyers?
  A: Even hyenas has some dignity.
  
  
• Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
  A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
  
  
• Q: What's the difference between a dead armadillo in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
  A: There are skid marks in front of the armadillo.
  
  
• Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
  A: They lie still.
  
  
• A prominent young attorney is on his way to court when he gets hit by a bus. Suddenly, he's at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter.
  
  "This is a mistake," the lawyer protests. "I'm much too young to die. I'm only 35!"
  
  St. Peter replies, "Hey, that's funny. Based on the number of hours you've billed clients, we thought you had to be at least 107."
  
  
  
• Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from Hell?
  A: Another lawyer.
  
  
• Q: Why are lawyers buried in deeper graves than other folks?
  A: Because deep down, they're much nicer people.
  
  
• Q: Why is it so hard to drown a lawyer?
  A: Scum floats.
  
  
• Q: Why didn't the IRS agent feel so bad about his career?
  A: At least he wasn't a lawyer.
  
  
• Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
  A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to "cluck defiance".
  

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