Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks

GENERAL RULES OF THUMB:

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
   
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
   
3. It's tacky to take a cooler to church.
   
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
   
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the wine.
   
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
   
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN truck keys.
   
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
   
3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.
   
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as they detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 1st date.
   
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall 2 years ago".
   
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie's ended.
   
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
   
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
   
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
   
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and the deer's in sight.
   
2. When approaching a 4-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires doesn't always have the right of way.
   
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
   
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too.
   
5. Don't lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
   

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