Noah's Ark Today
The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year, I am
going to make it rain and cover the whole Earth with water until
all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people
and two of every kind of living thing on the Earth. Therefore,
I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for
an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed
to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must
complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud formed and all
the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah
sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the
Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did
my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit
for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes.
I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark
needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning
ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to
get a variance from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there
was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally
convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to
save the owls.
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any
owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had
to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now
I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by
an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two
of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that
I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental
impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very
kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct
of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed
new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing
discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building
the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of
user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water
craft.'
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against
further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding
the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or
6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas
began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going
to destroy the Earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government
already has!"
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