Planning the Office Christmas Party
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2004
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will
take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function
room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty
of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel
free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows
up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among
employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should
be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will
make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2004
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday,
which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not
this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday
Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who
are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols
sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2004
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign
on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be
anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed
since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and
executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE
WILL BE ALLOWED.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2004
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of
year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps
the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the
end of the party or else package everything for you to take
it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to
sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will
get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to
sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men,
each will have their own table. (Yes, there will be flower arrangement
for the Gay men's table.)
To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing
allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot
control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people
with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh
fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply
"No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Fucking Employees
DATE: October 05, 2004
RE: The Fucking Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to
keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not,
so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill
of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your
fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes
have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard
them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all
have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2004
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In
the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party
and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
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