Rejected Hallmark Cards
Imagine walking to your mailbox and getting a card only to
read this. (I've included line breaks to simulate the actual
opening of the card):
- So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.
- My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat. Sorry!
- Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She's moved in with me.
- Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder - (open card)
What the hell was I thinking?
- Congratulations on your wedding day! (open card)
Too bad no one likes your husband.
- How could two people
as beautiful as you... (open card)
Have such an ugly baby?
Congratulations Anyway!
- I've always wanted
to have someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ... (open card)
I've changed my mind.
- I must admit,
you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell... (open card)
till I met you.
- As the days go by,
I think of how lucky I am... (open card)
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
- Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ... (open card)
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
- Someday I hope to get married. (open card)
But not to you.
- Happy birthday! You look great for your age... (open card)
Almost Lifelike!
- When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me. (open card)
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
- I am so glad that we are such good friends... (open card)
Relatives always expect money in their card.
- I'm so miserable without you ... (open card)
it's almost like you're here.
- Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. (open card)
Did you ever find out who the father was?
- Your friends and I wanted to do something
special for your birthday. (open card)
So we're having you put to sleep.
- Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Arkansas, Kentucky, and parts of South
Carolina!)
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