Rodney Dangerfield's One Liners

I'm posting this one in honor of one of the true great comedians - Rodney Dangerfield. When I was in college I caught his act at the Garden State Arts Center (Now the PNC Arts Center). It was easily one of the funniest shows I've ever seen. I cruised the web for some of Rodney's one liners and found these. His passing was unexpected. - Vikar

• I've got to do something about my weight, I mean everytime I eat at McDonald's I sit outside and watch the sign change.
  
  
• I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
  
  
• I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
  
  
• I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!
  
  
• When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
  
  
• Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.
  
  
• With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
  
  
• What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
  
  
• Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.
  
  
• I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.
  
  
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
  
  
• I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
  
  
• One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
  
  
• I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
  
  
• My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.
  
  
• When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."
  
  
• I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!
  
  
• My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
  
  
• My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
  
  
• My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
  
  
• My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
  
  
• When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
  
  
• I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
  
  
• One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.
  
  
• I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
  
  
• My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
  
  
• Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."
  
  
• I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."
  
  
• When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
  
  
• I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
  
  
• My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
  
  
• Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!
  
  
• I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.
  
  
• One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
  
  
• This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.
  
  
• I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
  
  
• My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
  
  
• It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
  
  
• My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
  
  
• Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
  
  
• A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
  
  
• A hooker once told me she had a headache.
  
  
• I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
  
  
• If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.
  
  
• I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
  
  
• I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
  
  
• I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
  
  
• I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
  
  
• I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.
  
  
• I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!
  
  
• I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
  
  
• During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
  
  
• My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
  
  
• One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."
  
  
• I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
  
  
• The day I was born, the doctor said to my mother, "We did what we could, but he pulled through anyway!"
  
  
• I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.
  
  
• My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"
  
  
• I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!
  
  
• When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
  
  
• And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!

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