What if Star Trek Ran Under A Microsoft Operating System?
WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking
dead ahead.
PICARD: On screen.
[The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal
lines, each only a single pixel wide.]
PICARD: Data, what's wrong here?
DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient
video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest
that you select a lower resolution?
PICARD: Very well....
[The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big,
blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which
could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like
the aliens in Space Invaders.]
PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.
DATA: Aye, sir.
[Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns
it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches
some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several
seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships
on the viewscreen.]
WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
PICARD: Shields up!
DATA: I am sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting
to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until
I have finished before you issue your next command.
PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is important!
I want those shields up right now!
DATA: I am sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting
to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until
I have finished before you issue your next command.
LAFORGE: Allow me, Captain. (to Data) Control-alt-delete,
Data.
[Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it
to the floor.]
DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press
my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to
close this communications channel which is not responding. You
will lose any information sent by the Romulans.
[LaForge pulls Data's left ear.]
PICARD: Shields...
[There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently,
and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of
sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing
Wesley back away from the console.]
PICARD: ...Up, Data!
DATA: Aye, sir.
RIKER: All decks, damage report!
WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to
be unconscious.
[Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console,
and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then
puts the hourglass back on the floor.]
DATA: Shields are now up, captain.
PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers
on the lead Romulan ship.
WORF: Aye, sir.
[He punches buttons on the weapons console.]
PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive
action.
DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device
driver installed for that console.
PICARD: Well, da*n it, install the right one.
DATA: Please insert Setup Implant 1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?
RIKER: I left them with Geordi.
LAFORGE: (in a surprised voice) What!!? I thought YOU still
had them!
PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your
internal memory?
DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant 1 in my
right nostril.
PICARD: Data, I don't have Setup Implant 1.
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Abort!
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Well, fail, then!
DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.
[Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The
ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift
to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise
is heard coming from somewhere else in the ship.]
LAFORGE: (alarmed) Data, what the hell are you doing?
PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number
for Data?
RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got
put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone.
And that person wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's
model. She specialized in industrial control robots.
[Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank,
and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to
a halt. After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on.
Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless.]
PICARD: What's going on?
LAFORGE: (checking the helm console) Data has caused
a General Protection Fault in the warp core!
PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't
really do anything with them.
[The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans
in full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure,
a Ferengi, appears moments later.]
FERENGI: (with a mercenary grin) Can I interest you in a
Macintosh, Captain?
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