The Summary of Reading My e-mail for the Past Year
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about
poop in the glue on
envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with
every envelope that
needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open
for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick
girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th
time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change
once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me
for participating
in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every
wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually
horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I
smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five
minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove
toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone
along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm
pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people
who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on
their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of
water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring
me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because
I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since
they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and
don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me
to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their
recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet except mine
because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me
instant death when it
bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5
dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas
from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people
in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your
head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your
back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened
to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
Oh, by the way.....
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a
lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mail
with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!
|
