What I Believe
by Steve Martin
Do I look okay?
I know what you're saying. You're saying, "Hey. Where
has Steve been? Haven't seen him on 'Saturday Night Live' in
a while.." [ chuckles ] They want me. They call me every
week to do the show. But I have been holding out for a little
bit of this.. [ rubs his fingers together ] And so the calls
fly back and forth, and I made a deal, and I'm very happy to
be here tonight. I wish I'd asked for money instead of a little
bit of this.. [ rubs his fingers together again ]
You probably heard I was into the comedy thing. Kind of getting
out of that now.. into a little more serious deal. And so that's
why right now I'd like to talk about "What.. I.. Believe.."
[ heavy music starts to play ]
"What I Believe."
I believe in rainbows and puppy dogs and fairy tales.
And I believe in the family - Mom and Dad and Grandma.. and
Uncle Tom, who waves his penis.
And I believe 8 of the 10 Commandments.
And I believe in going to church every Sunday, unless there's
a game on.
And I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome
and natural things.. that money can buy.
And I believe it's derogatory to refer to a woman's breasts
as "boobs", "jugs", "winnebagos"
or "golden bozos".. and that you should only refer
to them as "hooters".
And I believe you should put a woman on a pedestal.. high enough
so you can look up her dress.
And I believe the United States should let all foreigners in
this country, provided they can speak our native language: Apache
And I believe in equality, equality for everyone.. no matter
how stupid they are, or how much better I am than they are.
And, people say I'm crazy for believing this, but I believe
that robots are stealing my luggage.
And I believe I made a mistake when I bought a 30-story 1-bedroom
apartment.
And I believe the Battle of the Network Stars should be fought
with guns.
And I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what
it once was - an arctic region covered with ice.
And, lastly, I believe that of all the evils on this earth,
there is nothing worse than the music you're listening to right
now.
That's what I believe.
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