Mental Health Hotline
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline...
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for
you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred
to the mother ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice
will tell you which number to press.
- If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number
you press, no one will answer.
- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound
key until a representative comes on the line.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address,
telephone number, date of birth, SS#, and your mother's maiden
name.
- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y
and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after
the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait
for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators
are too busy to talk to you.
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