"Oh Robert, I think you've just killed my favorite song of all time."
- Simon Cowell to an auditioner

“Not in a billion years. There are only so many words I can drag out of my vocabulary to say how awful that was.”
- Simon Cowell to an auditioner

"Unfortunately you'll never be ready."
- Simon Cowell to an auditioner

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”
- Oscar Wilde

“America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.”
- Oscar Wilde

January 22nd, 2007

We as a country have hit a new low.

We have all, out of our own boredom, have placed one of the worst most sadistic reality shows ever onto "must see" TV. Not since the Christians were thrown to the lions was there a more inhumane past time and fascination with survival of the fittest. It is easily the most sadistic and prejudicial show on the air. The producer of the show was Satan for where else would you have a commandment broken in just the show's title.*

I'm talking, of course, of American Idol.

I hate the show for two reasons. Primarily, I hate it because it interrupts the scheduling of my favorite show, House M.D.. And think about the message we are sending to the world. We think a show that's watched by millions of intellectuals and has been acknowledged by several Golden Globe awards should be preempted by the modern day equivalent of Star Search.

The French must be loving this.

Secondly, I think its success tells more of our particularly sadomasochistic vein in watching young hopefuls crash and burn. Who cares if they don't have talent? We as a nation are watching kids from 15 to, what?, 25 audition in front of one of the meanest British guys around, one of our number one washed up dancer/singers around, and a bass player from Journey (he should try and not lose Steve Perry's number, just in case there's that very long over due comeback tour that no one is waiting for). I'm speaking of Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, and Randy Jackson, respectively.

And just to break thought for a moment, when did it become chic to interview drunk? I mean Danny Devito does it on The View, granted he bad mouthed Dubya - which was great, but he still was three sheets to the wind from an all nighter with George Clooney. Then Paula Abdul who was just plastered and decided to do a series of interviews one after the other. One interviewer even asked if she was all right.

As Dean Wormer said in Animal House, "Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

These three have the be all, end all, opinion of what makes a star. That knowledge was apparently divinely inspired. And, they, in their infinite wisdom, know what America, as a whole, will like. Well, not entirely, America gets their say as well. Each show millions of viewers call from home to vote for who they think is best. Et voilà! We have a new American Idol who was elected by the modern populous. THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN.

That doesn't mean I'm going to buy any of these idiot's CDs. It takes a lot more effort than that to separate me from my money. And, let me tell you, I've made some really stupid purchases in my day. I bought Fred Schnieder's solo album and The Wall 2000.

However, the observer who is really paying attention should note that it is not the judges who recognize who is talented, it is the judges who are telling the American people what talent is and what kind of music they should like. Let me tell you, people are like snow flakes. Each one of us are different and each one of us knows what we like. What one of us likes, another of us may not. I like classical music. Many people do not. Some people like hip hop. I do not. It's like wine tasting. No one should tell you what you should like. Only you know that.

I, however, will not tell someone that they should only buy classical CD's or that they should never buy hip hop. Incidentally, I'd never buy hip hop. Even if I were on fire and buying a hip hop CD was the only way to put me out. But as Americans, we have freedom of choice. If buying crap is what you want to do, so be it.

I choose not to follow what those three dinks are telling me that I should like what they consider "good". Do you understand what I'm saying? I'm saying that the very essence of the show is a marketing scheme to educate people on what three opinionated, obnoxious, butt wipes, think is "good". Trust me, I think you're grown up now. Make up your own mind.

Here's the thing, though. I can't stand any of the reigning winners of the show and I think I know my music. What's more? I think there's a lot more talent in the "Velvet Room" of the Ramada Inn in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I've seen people playing in the subway systems of New York for donations who have more soul than any of the past Idol winners have. And let's face it, they will eventually be corporately made hand puppets. I mean when it all comes down to it, do you think any of these contestants are actually doing their own writing after they win?

Let me ask you a question. Do you think that a young Bruce Springsteen, Willie Nelson, Bob Dylan, or Mick Jagger could actually win on one of these shows? Yet, when we look at the staying power of all of these artists they are truly awe inspiring. Bruce Springsteen, at this point of his career, doesn't even have to sing his own stuff anymore. He just made a successful CD of all of Pete Seeger's old songs. But, then again, it was a tribute album and Springsteen's earned the right to do something like that.

Only Fox, in its infinite ego, would take the lowest common denominator in sheer exploitation and put it on TV. Let's review for one moment. Remember, Who Wants to Marry A Millionaire?, Celebrity Boxing, and the never aired O. J. Simpson's If I did it? We are now in that time of the year when all of the kids who go with hope in their hearts to become the next American Idol and get their failure done, not behind closed doors, but, in front of a camera for the entire country to see.

Have you seen any of these poor unfortunates.

Personally, I think they are really very brave. To go in front of 3 cold hearted judges who don't give you a "next", but they have to think of something really scalding for the camera like "you should never sing again."

How many of these lights have been permanently snuffed out? How many of these dreams have been shattered from even trying again. How many will not learn from this failure to try even harder? I believe in the human spirit. I believe challenge in the face of adversity makes better character. I don't believe in destructive criticism.

And I don't believe in Simon Cowell.

I am no stranger to the process of auditioning. I remember how terrifying it was to get up on a stage and audition for a part in either a play or a musical. What I didn't have to worry about was anyone else seeing how good or bad I did. I was my own judge.

And although I usually got a part and although I usually got better through practice, I never got over the fear of thinking that the person I was auditioning in front of would say anything that Simon Cowell says on a regular basis. Granted, the people who are horrifically bad on the preliminary auditions are pretty awful. But, they certainly deserve three things, some brevity, keeping the commentary limited to what they did wrong (instead of saying to some of the women that they should be working by the docks) and putting a sign on the exit door that says "This door". I saw a montage of all three judges perpetually saying to exiting contestants, "the other door".

Apparently, you don't need common sense or decency to be a judge on American Idol.

Here's another thing. Why is there an age cut off date? Do you know how many people who have been refining their music craft over a period of 15 to 20 years? Heck, Randy Johnson, according to his own American Idol bio, has been in the business since he was 13. Why are 30 and 35 year olds excluded? Have we lost our sex appeal to the CD spending demographic? A lot of voices actually get better with age. Not mine. But a lot of voices get better with age.

Actually, that's not quite true. My voice is different now. When I was in my 20's I could sing at a 1st or 2nd tenor range. Now that I'm approaching 41, my voice is bass/baritone. I can do Jim Morrison songs quite well nowadays. And if I practice for a bit, I can hit some of my old notes in the C range. Now I can hit lower octaves that I could not hit when I was younger. So I'm not worse. I'm different.

There are plenty of 40 year plus rockers out there. They are still doing well and are still selling albums. There are still rockers that have been in the limelight for decades like David Bowie. And think about what his gimmick was. Again, I make the case, "Do you think people like David Bowie or Freddie Mercury could have made it on American Idol?"

Especially when considering Freddy Mercury's teeth and Queen's flavor of music.

How about the Kinks? Sting? The Police? Squeeze? OR PINK FLOYD'S ROGER WATERS?!!! What would we have lost if Simon Cowell had said to Roger Waters or Bob Dylan when they were starting out, "You are just not what this country is looking for in an idol."

What would we have lost?

American Idol is the pinnacle of what is manufactured and artificial today. And let me tell you, there are only two things that I like that are artificial: Sweeteners and Respiration.

*- Not that I'm going Christian on you. I just identify the show with all that is evil. Remember, idolatry is a sin.