"Whether the Belief that there are such Beings as Witches is so Essential a Part of the Catholic Faith that Obstinacy to maintain the Opposite Opinion manifestly savours of Heresy."
- from the Malleus Maleficarum

"Anybody with a grudge or suspicion, very young children included, could accuse anyone of witchcraft and be listened to with attention; anyone who wanted someone else's property or wife could accuse; any loner, any old person living alone, anyone with a misformity, physical or mental problem was likely to be accused."
- Excerpted from “The Witch Burnings - Holocaust Without Equal” by Edo Nyland

"And they gave him audience unto this word, and then lifted up their voices, and said, Away with such a fellow from the earth: for it is not fit that he should live."
- Acts of the Apostles 22:22-23

"Mom always liked you best."
- Tommy Smothers of the Smothers Brothers

May 21st, 2003

"I love my parents. I really, really do." It's a good mantra to have.

My parents are wonderful people. They are intelligent, successful, kind, loving, and generous. They are responsible for instilling at least half of the scruples and morals I live by.* My parents are also very successful. My father, now retired, was the executive president of a marketing research firm. He holds a masters degree in Business and Child Psychology. His undergraduate degree is from St. Peter's College in Jersey City - a fine Jesuit College (Yo Pavo) and his post graduate work was at Rutgers. My mother is the owner/operator of the Montessori Enrichment Center in Howell. She holds a masters degree in Education and her undergraduate degree is from the now defunct Ladycliff College in New York. My parents married in 1964, two years after they graduated college and lived in Stuyvesant Town, New York (Lower Greenwich Village) before moving to New Jersey.

These people are not stupid.

In almost 40 years of marriage, they have been together through thick and thin, 4 kids, and a tax audit. And believe me, they have seen it all. They have seen most of their kids married, the births of grandkids, the deaths of their own parents as well as the deaths of close friends. They have seen low points in finances as well as reaping the rewards of a good honest life. I have never gone to bed hungry. As a child, I was treated to summer vacations in a motorhome that they owned and we went to Disney World more than once. I can't complain about not receiving a well rounded and culturally enriching life as we visited every state up and down the eastern seaboard by the time I was 17. My education was paid for almost fully by them (with the exception of what I got from my activity scholarship which paid for room and board). When it came time for my wife and I to put a down payment on a house, my parents helped us out with a $20,000 loan.

I have to preface this rant with all of this because I want you to know with the exception of the following, I really, really, do love my parents.

THEY ARE DRIVING ME INSANE!!!!!

I can't understand them. I can't understand how two rational, caring, intelligent, individuals can be so blind to the Church. Both of my parents are Eucharistic ministers. Mom goes to mass everyday at 9:AM. She preaches to me that I should always "Do unto others.." Go to Church. Have children. Be nice. Go to Christenings. Be a good Godfather and swallow what the Church has to shovel...

ARRRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

Now, I have told my mother on many occasions that I'm an agnostic. Translation: I'm not sure if God exists, but if he did, he would not be the one the Roman Catholic Church subscribes to. I have told her repeatedly that I can't believe in an institution that promoted the following: The Inquisition, The sale of Papal Indulgences, The burning of witches, The Crusades, The excommunication of Copernicus and Cervantes, The editing of Galileo's theories, and The denouncement of Darwinism. How can I agree with any institution that reveres an idiot like St. Paul? How can I go to a place that has become so hypocritical to shun abortion yet allow pedophilia within the priesthood? How about my favorite, the concept of women being Priests? When the Church has made decisions based on the "infallibility" of a man who is obviously in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's Disease, how can I possibly spend a minute, let alone an hour in a building to follow his dictates?

My brother in law, Michael, has cautioned me to not get into religious debates with my parents as he has always believed that they could never turn out well. But that's me.

As I've mentioned before, my wife is a Wiccan. She's one of the people that the Church says it's "okay" to burn. She does not hold Catholicism in high regard. My parents, apparently, don't know she is NOT a Catholic. However, I suspect they do know.

Last Sunday was a prime example.

It was my wife's birthday. My wife and I were invited by my parents for a "birthday" dinner. Now, the one thing you should know about my parents is that they are both great cooks. My father makes a mean garlic stuffed pork tenderloin as well as a good portobello mushroom.

Before the meal, my wife spied a new book that my mother was reading. It was a book on meditation. My wife recognized the author as being a Pagan. When we spoke to my mom about it, she said it was a great book that teaches you to visualize and meditate with affirmations (this is a very Pagan principle). My wife was thinking that Mom may have started to warm up to the concept of religions the church may have banned. I told her not to hold her breath - she probably doesn't know it was written by a Pagan.

We then sat down to eat. For my wife's dinner, it was primarily vegetarian as she cannot eat meat in any form. My father made the pork for the carnivores among us. It was a meal fit for a king. So, we finished dinner and the bill came in the form of her gift.

My pagan wife received a new book entitled, Women Of The Bible. I shit you not. I'd make a link to Amazon.com but I refuse to contribute one penny toward the profit of the two idiot women who wrote the book.

My face went pale and my brother-in-law looked up to the sky. My wife, may the Divine bless her, kept a good face up. She said, "Hmmmmm, maybe it'll have the story of Lilith in it. That'll be great!" She's ever the optimist and, no, it didn't. We explained to my Christian, educated, parents that Lilith wasn't just a character on Fraizer. To those of you who do not know who Lilith is, she is from the Hebrew book of Genesis. She was Adam's first partner before Eve. As she refused to be subservient to Adam, the Catholic Church does not acknowledge her. This is an excerpt from the Hebrew Myth's book.

Well, who said that the Church was into equal rights, anyway? And if you read any passage that these two imbecilic women who wrote "Women Of The Bible" you'd see that they were into the subservience thing. So, essentially, it was a great dinner with tripe for dessert.

"Please enjoy your meal and enjoy this philosophy shoved down your throat as well." Dinner and indigestion.

I have to really hand it to my wife for being optimistic. When she went home that night, she tried to find something of value from the book. But other than a recipe for some cakes, there was nothing. It really was garbage. I'm hoping that by next week I can tell my mother that the dog got to the book and destroyed it. However, my dog is a book connoisseur and won't eat a book unless we actually see value in it.

I know! I know! I'm whining. This is the old "I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth" thing. But I ask myself, "Why? Why a Bible Book? No one gets religious things ordinarily - Why a Bible Book?" It could have been a blouse or a hat or a gift certificate to Barnes & Noble. A Bible Book. Christ.

A gift from my parents when we got married - A family Bible. It's still in its box. Why? Maybe I'll eventually will it to one of my nieces. Who knows? I'm contemplating giving her a book for maybe Christmas, the Malleus Maleficarum - AKA, The Witch Hammer. I understand it was just as popular as the Bible during the mediaeval times and was a practical guide to killing Pagans. It was recommended reading from Pope Innocent.

Mom is still on the "Be fruitful and multiply" kick as well. She's apparently on the Church's recruitment drive for new members. She wants my wife to have a baby - Fat chance. It's not going to happen. She's apparently put my deceased grandmother on the job from heaven. Her blessing missed me and hit my cousin. She's now pregnant at age 36. My wife is now 38. If my wife and I find ourselves in such circumstances it'll be wearing armor from all of the contraceptives and anti pregnancy devices we use to keep such an event from occurring. Nothing short of the multinational industrial sabotage of the Trojan corporation could create the circumstances of impregnating my wife.

This did not stop my mother from telling people at a recent social function that my wife was ALREADY PREGNANT. Word did not get back to me until a day after the event. My wife had known about it during the party but did not tell me until afterward fearing a berserk mass homicide. This did not stop the story from getting to my wife's boss and he saying, "I'm so sorry."

"I love my parents. I really, really do."

But here's what really gets me. This really gets my goat.

As you can tell, my parents are really pressed to get me to go follow Roman Catholicism. I've gone to a Jesuit college. I've been a counselor for CYO. I've even been to Church after marriage. Explain this to me.

I was discussing this with my wife one of the last times I was cleaning the school. Two of my three sisters are married. As a wedding present they each got a very special gift. An autographed and blessed picture of ... drum roll please.. THE POPE.

Yes, the pontiff himself.

I know what's involved. Months before the wedding is to take place, my parents had to write to the Vatican in Rome and get him to sign a copy with him not drooling on it. And a couple of months later, you can get a blessed autographed picture from His Holiness.

Now, if my parents actually thought it was THAT important for me to be a Catholic, I want to know - WHERE'S MY POPE PICTURE!!!!! Don't I deserve one? I was still going to Church when I got married? The entire reason we went through the entire "dog and pony" show of pre cana and premarital investigation was FOR THEM. There were at least 6 times I said to my parents after the arch diocese of Newark made me jump through a zillion hoops to get married in a church, "Forty bucks and a judge would be quicker and easier."

Well, I don't want a Pope picture.

First off, I can't justify actually hanging it up in my house. It really doesn't go well with our statues of the Green Man and Dionysus And the only place it could go would knock down our Tarot cards.

* - The other half came from my karate instructor, Art Beins. I credit him with keeping me on the straight and narrow during my teen years. He gave me a framework on responsibility, discipline, and confidence.