"Now watch what you say or they'll be calling you a radical, liberal, fanatical, criminal. "
- Supertramp, The Logical Song

"I'd rather sit down and write a letter than call someone up. I hate the telephone."
- Henry Miller

"Chewing gum on line. Well, I hope you've brought enough for everyone!"
- Heddly LaMar from Blazing Saddles

"I'd play every day if I could. It's cheaper than a shrink and there are no telephones on my golf cart."
- Brent Musburger

May 24th, 2004

You know there was a reason for phone booths.

I think the last time I spoke about this I was driving the issue of "personal privacy". I wish to underline that I'm suspicious of any device that can be used to spy anytime, anywhere, or anyplace. Not that I have anything to hide but I think I've read George Orwell's "1984" one too many times. First come cell phones and cell cameras then come the thought police. All of this is just one facet of why I think cell phones are bad.

The flip side of personal privacy is unintentionally sharing too much of your life with complete and total strangers. (Um, what I do with this site is intentional. Yeah, That's the ticket.)

Think about this. The reason most people despise cell phones is TMI - Too much information shared. I don't know about you, the reader, but I really don't want to know the results of a person's last trip to the OB/GYN and the specific questions asked to the doctor. I really could care less about a stranger's possible problem with the organization known as DYFUS. And, ladies, if you are going to go on a blind date, don't you think it might be best to wait until you get home before speaking to that special man rather than let everyone within earshot know him as well? Seriously, these are things I can go the rest of my life without knowing.

However, in the cell phone user's carelessness, I think I have found a weapon. I think we should use this to our advantage in our war against stupid cell phone use.

Here is what I propose to you, the reader. If you have "overheard" a cell phone conversation that is in a really inappropriate place, I want you to write to me and tell me the content, the circumstances, as well as the time and place you heard it. For my part, I'll publish them on my site for everyone to read. With any luck, people who come to my site will get the message.

If you are going to share your personal life in a public forum, please be prepared to have whatever you are sharing shared to everyone.

It'll be a game! Here, let me start.

The following cell phone situations have been overheard on my bus rides home from the Port Authority, New York 4:30PM bus to Freehold.

A couple of weeks ago, a young woman with blonde hair approximately 23 - 27 years old, through a long traffic jam was on the phone EVERY MINUTE of my ride home. Her conversation was with two people: her friend from college and her up and coming blind date, respectively. I can tell you the following:

• She is going to take her real estate exam and was trained for one week in a concentrated course.
• She doesn't like to wear make up.
• She is going to have children someday.
• She is a Christian but is open for other religions.
• Her car is in the shop.
• She lives in Jackson, NJ. (newly moved)
• She is not a virgin.
• Performance in bed is a priority.
• She drinks frequently and prefers clubs.
• She was dating an artist and has done some studio work herself.
• Her date lives in New York and they met through a "match.com"-like dating service.
• She didn't shave her legs that day and would be shaving her legs at her friend's house before they went out that night.
• She can eat and use her cell phone at the same time.
• She is into "spirituality".
• She was sick the prior week.

I'm sure I'll remember more next time with my next victim. As I was trying to sleep, I really couldn't filter out what she said and was desperately trying to not listen and I "overheard" it. Now, when I say the term "overheard", I mean to say, "I'd rather have my ears bleed profusely." Unfortunately, for both of us now, a lot more people know. Perhaps I'll learn shorthand specifically for this. But you get my drift. Here's another one.

A Lady approximately 33 years old was on my bus heading home. I gleaned the following:

• She lives in Lakewood, NJ.
• She is having financial problems.
• She is currently working on a legal case against DYFUS as a charge has been brought up that she is an unfit parent.
• She has call holding on her cell phone and uses it A LOT.
• She would arrive at her stop at approximately 6:30 and her ride will pick her up then.
• She is Jewish.
• Her father is going senile.
• Her son has disciplinary problems.
• She doesn't like to cook.
• She works late on Thursdays.

As I said, next time, I'll try to take notes.

Here's a good one. I had an occasion to encounter my Bizarro Vikar counterpart in the local Shoprite. Although I'm not going to go into specifics for this conversation, it is the comment made on the tail end of the phone call that underlines my feelings toward him. He stated the following to his 3 year old son:

"You know not to interrupt Daddy while he's on his cell phone. Go with Mommy back to the minivan and we'll get going to the restaurant."

For new readers, It is quite unlikely that I'll have kids - and if I did, I wouldn't inflict them to anyone at a restaurant. I certainly won't be on a cell phone on a line. Also, I'll never own a minivan.

I wish to stress again that a cell phone like most devices is a tool. Used properly, it can make your life much easier. I've been toying with the idea of getting one for one specific circumstance (job related). I am required to be on a conference call for one week out of four to represent my department. If all goes right, my end of the conversation is (and I quote), "Vikar - No issues." That's it. With a cell phone, I'll be able to get home an hour earlier as the only way I can make this call is from the office. I don't think I'll be disturbing too many people with my four word sentence.

One thing that will queue me for my steno pad will be the really, really, annoying phone music that comes with the later cell phone models as well as what I can term the celestial sound effects that can't be labeled any other way. It is apparently inferior to real phones as most people don't recognize their custom made ringers when they go off. If I get get cell phone, I'll be sure to set it on vibrate (apparently, it comes standard now with Cingular).

Here's a little telephone history. (You learn a couple of things from working on a technical help desk.) Do you know why it's almost impossible to ignore a ringing phone at home? Now, just so you understand, I'm speaking of a standard phone, not a cell phone. You can't ignore a phone because when the phone companies originally established the rings frequency they did research. They literally tortured people by finding the exact ringing frequency that would annoy people the most. I think it's 2 seconds ringing on, 3 seconds not, and over again. Apparently, the human mind can't acclimate to that. Let me say this again. THEY TORTURED PEOPLE TO GET THIS.

Well, the musical cell phones don't have that and people will sleep right through that on a bus. This is much to the distress of everyone in earshot of the phone who is not sleeping and does not wish to hear "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" or the theme song to MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE.

I already know what song my phone will play if I ever get one, it will be, appropriately enough, Vader's Theme from Star Wars (That is if I ever decide to take my phone off of vibrate and take it out of my pants' pocket). I have a need to have my body seethe evil. Plus, there seems to be an abundance of Jedi Mind trick victims about. I may as well advertise the fact that there is, indeed, a wolf in the fold.

But I digress.

I want to talk about the magical time on a bus which comes at approximately 5:30 PM (give AND take 5 minutes in both directions - five minutes coming and five minutes going). This is when every cell phone in the bus starts to ring sporadically. The topic of conversation is always the same.

"Where are you?"
"I'm by Lowe's in Oldbridge."
"How long do you think it's going to take the bus to get here?"
"Well, the traffic is back up and blah, blah, blah... kids... blah, blah, blah,... dinner... blah, blah, blah... See ya, Pooky!"

Okay, so I made up the "Pooky" part, but you know what I'm saying. Not only is that person on their little electronic leash, but I get to hear all of it. AND I DON'T WANT TO!!!! It's none of my business, really. But thank you for sharing.

Once again, it's a tool... not a weapon.

People are starting to get a bit more health conscious. They wish to avoid the brain cancer issue. Phones ARE getting more powerful and people are using them more, however, they are using more hands free devices. In my neck of the woods, they are a "must have" as it is illegal to drive in Marlboro while using a cell phone without one. Hey! A law actually went into the books that actually makes sense. I'm shocked and awed!

There are only a couple problems to the hands free devices people are using now. Sure, they can help you avoid being a vegetable and they can keep you from wrapping your car around a tree, but with enough of the beepers, Blackberrys and cell phones people will need a Batman like utility belt to carry them around. If they are like most executives in my company and start using the headsets, not only will they start looking like one of Star Trek's Borg, they will also be mistaken for some of New York's insane.

Imagine this: You are walking down the street and you see someone have half of a conversation with.... NOBODY!!! It's not until the angle changes when you find a small earpiece in their ear that you realize they didn't start their breakfast with Thunderbird wine.

So people are getting a little bit wiser. Not a lot... but a little. It's baby steps. My plan to publish the cell phone conversations is not to laugh at people (although that is a great bonus) but to educate. Since these people have decided to volunteer so much of their personal information. I say let's help them share!

So, if you have a good cell phone story, e-mail me: vikar@vikarsrant.net Subject: OVERHEARD CELL PHONE CONVERSATION. If I get that in the subject field, I promise you, your letter will not be missed.

Tell yourself, "This is not to humiliate. This is to educate."

But, let's have some fun anyway.

HERE WE GO! ON TO OVERHEARD CELL PHONE CONVERSATIONS!!!!

* - I mean it! This could be GREAT! An entire page on overheard cell phone conversations.