"My family is home
Where is my banana toy
So we can play. "
- A Dog Haiku from Molly's Dog Haiku page

"We're all very different people. We're not Watusi, we're not Spartans, we're Americans. With a capital "A", huh? And you know what that means? Do you? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world. We are the wretched refuse. We're the underdog. We're mutts. "
- John Winger (Bill Murray) Stripes (1981)

"And to think that in some countries these dogs are eaten."
- Buck Laughlin (Fred Willard) - Best in Shhow

"A Pekinese. It's like someone said, 'Oh look, a little dog!!! Let's hit it in the face with a shovel!!'"
- Robin Williams

"I wouldn't send a knight on a dog like this."
- Ralph Cramden, The Honeymooners

February 18, 2007

Before I get started, I have to make this statement: I am a dog owner. I love my dogs and they are among the most important things in my life. Caring for my dogs is a priority and I do spoil them. The loss of a dog in a family is the loss of a family member. When I lost Casey, I couldn't even talk about it for a year. Dogs are an important part of any dog owner's life.

I love my dogs. I think that a dog is a faithful companion and will always return honest unconditional love to his owner so long as he loves him. And the fastest way you can get me to see red is to mistreat a dog in front of me. And, personally, I'm boycotting the 2008 Olympics in China for its crime of mass canine clubbing in 2006.

The last Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show for 2007 raised over $1 million dollars in donations from viewers for homeless dogs in pounds. Dog shows bring knowledge and awareness to people who know nothing about dog breeds and educate people as to the temperment and breed of several dog breeds.

That being said, let me talk about the two hours of my life that were cruelly stolen from me in the form of the 2007 Westminster Dog Show, Monday night. My wife and I own only one television set for the house. This is not due to financial limitation, this is by design. I firmly believe that the best way to keep a marriage happy is to watch TV TOGETHER. The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is the same thing every year. And with the exception of the winners, you can tape and record the show every year and watch that it's the same thing every year.

The competition starts. The dogs are paraded out. The announcer says a snippet about each of the breeds. The judge looks at the teeth and the handler walks the dog in a circle and back. Repeat 1,000,000 more times.

My wife has this annual thing where she must catch the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show on television. The show usually takes place at Madison Square Garden in New York. Breeders from all over the world bring their best product to compete for Best in Breed, Best in Class, and, the ever important, BEST IN SHOW. For me, it's an endurance test of my tolerance of social idiocy.

They call this a competition. Who's competing? Is it the dog who's competing or is it the breeder? Because other than dog races, dogs don't legitimately compete in anything.* The dogs don't quite have that spirit of competition when they participate in this. Essentially the worst thing they have to endure is the primping and prodding of the dog groomers before the show. Other than that, the dog is pretty much there to be looked at and to be watched.

My wife watches the show and says,"OH HOW CUUUUTTE!!!!" or "That's a beautiful dog." She says this with heartfelt emotion and love. She's very emotional about this. And my wife does not get emotional about anything. I mean, after all, she is Irish so it's frightening to see it happen. She really gets into this. She gets into this like some parents get into children's beauty pagents. You know what I'm talking about. People go batshit over little Suzi's baton whirling and then watch Little Miss Sunshine when they get home.

Well, my wife is like that with dogs and, apparently, there are no ugly dogs.

I, on the otherhand, know that there are ugly dogs. For example, I think poodles are just a cruel trick of nature. I can sit back and say,"That's a f%#king ugly ass dog." Poodles, the fruity dog. It certainly was one of my main critiques when watching the Marvel flop, "The Hulk". The concept of gamma irradiated killer poodles was too much for me. The dog is just too "foo foo" for me. I don't think I could own one. To me, they are for detatched upper class uptown New York twits who think that it's "oh so chahhhming" to have Pinky pararded on Fifth Avenue.

I could just puke.

I'm also not a huge fan of Scottish Terriers. I think they are nasty little grouches with an asthma problem. I'm sure they appeal to some people, but, again, they are not my cup of tea. I have the right to not appreciate certain kinds of dogs.

Now, I own a Pomeranian. One would think they were "foo foo" dogs because some celebrities don't travel without them. However, Guinness is "cute" and "evil" personified. He is a giant Pomeranian and certainly doesn't take any shit from other dogs. He's a little scrapper. He is not a "foo foo" upper crust, "to be kept as an accessory for Paris Hilton" type of dog. He'll growl at you if he doesn't like you. And he'll certainly bark at you.

Guinness is also going to be the LAST purebred we'll own. He is actually the second pure breed we've owned. Casey was the first and he was a cocker spaniel who died of autohemolytic anemia. Over breeding. This was also after his bout of Cushing's Disease where we had to keep him on medication and fish science diet for the last 3 years of his life. We rescued Casey from a dog pound. We bought Guinness as a puppy at the pet shop for $800.

Killian is a mutt. We think he's a Aussie Shepherd, Border Collie, Collie mix. But there is no way for us to be sure. He is also a pound puppy. We bought Killian for a donation of $125.

My dogs are spoiled and have no manners. They are rambunctious. They are poorly trained and we love them.

But I digress. Let's go back to our doggy eugenics competition. Yes, you heard me.

I ask again, "Who is competing?" It is not the dogs. The dogs are just there for the food. That is unless they make an escape like last year's Whippet incident. Last year after the WKC 2006 competition, a prize winning Whippet got away from their owner at LaGuardia Airport. The dog was never recovered. I'd like to believe he's living happily with a family somewhere in New York rather than as a product of genetic manipulation.

This is a competition for people who like to watch animals screw.

I know that's a horrible way to say it, but I want to be clear on it. These are animals that are the products of nieces and uncles mating. Then these animals are taken to New York to see how well their owners matched parents. Of course overdoing this in some breeds brings genetic disorders like leukemia and Cushing's disease. That is if they're lucky enough to not have personality disorders or have the intelligence of a piece of jewelery. But, hey, don't take my word for it. Take a trip to the Ozarks or the Pennsylvania Poconos Moutains and see what happens when cousins marry.

Just sit a spell, listen to some "Foggy Mountain Breakdown" or "Dueling Banjos", and relive your favorite scenes from "Deliverance". Oh! We're gonna take yer money.**

I have a great idea. Why don't we get some people together and do the same thing? Let's find people who are the best in their geographic area and dress them up. Then we'll have them answer questions and then perform tricks to see if they can be the best in America. We can judge them with style and poise and we can have them wear formal wear and swim wear, and... then we can....

Sorry, we already do that, don't we? OOoops.

And let me talk about the judging of these things. I hear all through the competition that they have this highly skilled set of parameters they use to judge the dogs in each breed and class. The real competition is which dog is first the best dog at being a dog. Or another way of looking at this is which Cocker Spaniel is the most Cocker Spanielish. Then the next is: Is that Cocker Spaniel more of a Cocker Spaniel than that Beagle is a Beagle? And lastly, the Best in Show is: Is that Cocker Spaniel more of a Cocker Spaniel than that Great Dane is a Great Dane or Poodle is a Poodle. Who is more poodleish?

Do you find it slightly suspicious that the judges rarely write any of these results down? My theory is that they just pick randomly. Think about it. Who can challenge them on their decision? It's not like most of the people out there can say, "Well,... um... THAT DOG HAS BAD TEETH!!!!! WHY DIDN'T MINE WIN??!!!!" Tell me, what's the difference between any of these judges' "educational descisions" and one just saying, "Um... that one." But I have to hand it to them. They certainly look like they are taking their time and measuring a careful descision.

There's a lot of "hmmmmmm", and "oh... yes.", and "walk the dog around one more time." One of my rules is that a person to win a competition has to have the ability to call someone on their bulloney.

I heard one former "winner" say that winning WKC Dog Show was like winning the Superbowl. No, it isn't. I'm not one for football, but I can appreciate what they do. And, maybe, if the WKC Dog Show was more like the Superbowl, it would certainly be more entertaining. My idea is to get the handlers to walk the dogs around the ring and randomly have people try to tackle them.

That way, if the dog gets all the way around the ring, they can say to the commentator, "Well, Bob, I thought we weren't going to make it but Fido saw the offensive lineman coming and let me know in time. I'm going to Disney World!!!"

Now that's a winner.

Then there are the dog owners. Yes, these same people who have their pure bred dogs and risk losing them at airports were also the same people who bitched and moaned that the WKC Dog Show competition was in New York and that it was New York's fault that the February 07 Noreaster hit during the show. Many of the dog owners were delayed going home due to inclimate weather. No, I'm not kidding.

And the winner of the Upper Class Twit Competition of 2007.... NIGEL!!!!

Know what? DRIVE A F%#*KING CAMPER INSTEAD OF KEEPING YOUR DOG IN A PLANE'S CARGO HOLD!!! HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING FROM THE WHIPPET INCIDENT???!!!

Dumbasses.

But you see I'm just illustrating a point. These are people who treat their dogs like genetic products. They are the competitors. They are the ones who get dogs to compete against each other. And when they lose, we actually feel bad for the dog. Trust me, the dog has no clue of what's going on. They don't feel bad about losing a competition they're not aware of.

The idea of eugenics should disgust every American who watches these types of competitions. Wasn't it Hitler who wanted a master race? Wasn't it the Nazis who wanted selective breeding? This is all part of high school biology. When interbreeding takes place something is lost and it's not right. It was Bill Murray who remarked in Stripes that there is no dog more faithrul, loyal or lovable than the mutt. And we are mutts.

Dogs are creatures that give 100% of their love to their masters and are forever loyal. When it comes to selective breeding, we don't like doing it with people.

Why are we celebrating it and doing it with dogs?

*- Yes, I'm quite aware of the barbarity of dog fights for money. It makes me crazy just thinking about it. Back

** - Sorry, some of my most intelligent friends live south of the Mason Dixon line and I know they were probaby offended by that last line. Back