"The other white meat"
- slogan for the National Pork Council

"You are forbidden carrion, blood, and the flesh of swine; also any flesh dedicated to any other than God."
- from the Koran

"What's green and smells like bacon? Kemit the frog's finger."
- Unknown

July 24th, 2003

Mr. Wizard sent me this as more rant fuel and a potential RANT: RE-RANT piece. He may have comment on this at some future date.

So, let's get the show on the road.

General Black Jack Pershing was born September 13th, 1860 near Laclede, MS. He died July 15th, 1948 in Washington D.C..

His life's highlights include:

• 1891: Professor of Military Science and Tactics at the University of Nebraska
  
• 1898: Served in the Spanish American War.
  
• 1901: Awarded rank of Captain.
  
• 1906: Promoted to the rank of Brigadier General.
  
• 1909: Military Governor of Moro Province, Philippines.
  
• 1916: Made Major General
  
• 1919: Promoted to General of Armies
  
• 1921: Appointed Chief of Staff
  
• 1924: Retired from active duty Education West Point.
  

Just before WWI, there were a number of terrorist attacks on the United States forces in the Philippines, by Muslim Extremists.

So General Pershing captured 50 terrorists and had them tied to posts for execution. He then had his men bring in two pigs and slaughter them in front of the now horrified terrorists.

Muslims detest pork because they believe that pigs are filthy animals. Some of them simply refuse to eat it, while others won't even touch pigs at all, nor any of their by-products. To them, eating or touching a pig, its meat, its blood, etc…, is to be barred from paradise (and those virgins) and doomed to hell.

The soldiers then soaked their bullets in the pig's blood, and proceeded to execute 49 of the terrorists by firing squad. The soldiers then dug a hole, dumped in the terrorists' bodies and covered them in pig's blood, entrails, etc.

They let the 50th man go.

And for the next 42 years, there was not a single Muslim extremist attack anywhere in the world. Maybe it is time for this segment of history to repeat itself, maybe in Iraq?

The question is: Where do we find another Black Jack Pershing?

Vikar's Comment

Where do I begin?

As a graduate of St. Peter's College, where a military fraternity exists honoring Black Jack Pershing in "The Pershing Rifles", I have to be a bit biased. But before I get into the military, religious, philosophical, and ethical issues of this, I would like to begin with a small issue of animal rights.

Those poor pigs.

Okay, I don't know the exact chain of events of how pigs ended up near a battlefield. Perhaps they were wild boars captured to feed the troops. Here is a pig who was guilty of nothing but being a pig. This sow was most likely wallowing in a pit of mud and enjoying his own state of piggyness. Oinking to himself, "Life just doesn't get any better than this!", when he is grabbed from his own pig nirvana and sent to the pig afterlife. I'd like to think that after the execution the American soldiers had a luau. I'd hate to see good meat wasted. Let's also remember that they were in the Philippines and they make a mean barbecue.

Oh well.

As a survivor of 911, I have no love loss for the Muslim Extremists. I also have no love loss for Christian Fundamentalists who say that we deserved the fate we got on that day. The big question would be, "Does anyone have the right to consign someone to hell?" I'd like to think so. I'd like to think that the family survivors of 911 should have the right to beat Osama bin Laden with a baseball bat in the middle of Yankee Stadium for all to see. One at a time.

I didn't want to turn this into a religion thing but, unfortunately, that is the heart of this matter. Beliefs. What we do, how we think, and why we do things. It is a shame that the extremist Muslim groups as well as the fundamental Christians have not learned a lesson of religious tolerance. There are some religions that when left alone are quite passive. However, should a group or person be so foolish as to provoke them... well.... All I can say is that the man who pokes a sleeping bear with a stick deserves what he gets.

In his 2002 Broadway One Night Stand Up, Robin Williams, made a point of saying that the old translations to Muslim beliefs may be at fault. There is a possible interpretation of the Koran that instead of "virgins" the word may be interpreted as "raisins". I think there is a big difference in that one. One would certainly reassess his religious convictions if he were to crash a plane into the World Trade Center for a bunch of dried grapes. However, there is something to be said about two scoops of raisins in Kellogg's Raisin Bran. Come to think of it Raisin Bran is very much a pagan cereal. There's a big sun on the box with raisins to celebrate Dionysis... you get a lot for those two scoops. Religion is everywhere you just have to look for it.

The other possibility that Mr. Williams suggests is that Osama bin Laden will go to the afterlife and be beaten by the likes of Thomas Jefferson, John Hancock, Samuel Adams, and Ben Franklin. His afterlife reward was to encounter 12 angry "Virginians".

There's a reason why I like listening to Robin Williams' stand up.

There is an ancient method of strategy that makes your disadvantages into advantages. If you are small, you are harder to spot. If your opponent is fanatical, take advantage of his limitations. Black Jack Pershing did exactly that. The opponent does not fear death so long as the afterlife is something to look forward to. Our enemy hates pork, everyone on our side loves a luau. There is such symmetry in the universe.

I would also like to take the stance that Joseph Campbell takes in The Power of Myth that Hell is in the mind of the believer. So, regardless of the religious beliefs of General Pershing, the prisoners executed truly believed that they were to be denied paradise. They knew that the pigs' blood was authentic. They knew that they were to be soiled. And they knew that the last thing they touched at the end of this life was a bullet coated with pig's blood. They were going to spend the afterlife in the worst place possible. As Hell is in the mind of the believer, their last thoughts were those of misery.

The 50th man, after releasing his own bowels, had a message for the rest of the extremists. The price for crossing America in battle will result in more than just their mortal lives. It will cost them their afterlife as well.

Sun Tzu would most likely agree in the tactic of using an enemies strength against him. Whereas secular society is terrified by an opponent who thinks nothing of his mortal life, a zealot would be terrified at losing his chance of the afterlife. He would also agree that it is better to break the enemy's resistance without fighting. Plus, keeping your opponent terrified reduces the chances of a prolonged warfare - which would never benefit anyone.

So, what's the price of 42 years of peace and life without terrorism? Two pigs and 49 bullets.

Sounds like an equitable trade.