by Mr. Wizard

"Alright folks, we've had another change of policy. I've had to hire a maintenance person and to pay his salary I have to let in two more people a day. However, the stupid maintenance person demanded that I have food and drink inside the park. So now I've had to hire a beverage person and a cotton candy person, which means now I have to let eight people come in a day. But, you are to try your best not to ride any rides that I am on. Understand? Alright, let's go."
- Eric Cartman from the "Cartmanland" episode of South Park

"In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks."
- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

Mark 4th, 2003 (Parade Day)

Mr. Wizard is in the market for an SUV and though I tried to talk him out of it, he wants one anyway. Well, it seems that other forces are working in my favor as well.

How Not to Run a Business or Confessions of a Car Driver

I'm turning to the dark side... but at least I had a mini-ranting experience during the trip!

OK, I finally did it.

You see, I owned a two-seat rice-burner Honda CRX for ten years (even fit three people in it on a trip back from Florida - hey, it was spring break!). I bought a second car - a four-door compact Saturn (which retained the Honda's three key traits: manual steering, manual transmission, and Virtually Unlimited Gas Mileage), which I still have after six years, when my wife and I moved in together (she wasn't my wife at the time - but that's another story). I replaced the Honda with a much larger Dodge Intrepid (mostly for my wife to use driving back and forth to work, since she was getting muscle-spasms between the manual steering and stick-shift), which is as roomy as you can possibly get, and is still pretty good on gas.

I'm keeping the Dodge, but I'm upgrading the Saturn... to an SUV.

I was an SUV fan back in 1988 when most people didn't drive them. Unfortunately I didn't have two nickels to rub together, so I bought the Honda CRX. By the time I had a few nickels to rub together, SUVs were everywhere, and I hated them. I hated driving around them - you can't see a damn thing when you're behind them. I detested SUV drivers who thought their trucks invincible, and got a very good laugh during the Big Snow of 2003 when an SUV driving a bit too fast went sliding right past an intersection, turn signal flapping away. (Note to SUV drivers: four-wheel drive is great when you're in a snow embankment or on rough terrain, but is useless on slick roads when you're moving over 20 miles per hour.)

Now, I'm about to become one of them - but with very big reservations.

First, I don't want a big truck. I want a small truck. I want a truck for two key reasons - cargo and passenger room when going on weekend trips, and four-wheel drive for the occasional bad weather and winter ski trips.

I don't want to lug seven people around; I have no interest in being a chauffeur. I don't want eight cylinders; I have my own balls - my transportation doesn't need them. I don't want a "luxury SUV" - I have a big problem spending more than $25,000 or so on a vehicle just so I can have heated seats that only make me feel like I wet my pants.

What does this have to do with running an unsuccessful business?

Well, my wife and I made a list of trucks we wanted to look at. Coincidentally, my younger brother was on the market for a car or truck as well, so we went out to the local car dealerships one Sunday. There were five of us - my dad and two younger brothers on one half of the shopping cart, me and my wife on the other.

It was a few minutes after 3PM on a Sunday and we pulled up to the local Chevrolet dealership. We went inside - five people, two serious buyers. The salesmen (there were two of them) told us they were closing at 3PM. He locked the door so no one else could come in. The five of us, none the wiser, were looking at what was on the showroom floor, not thinking much of the situation.

Essentially what the situation came down to was this: we're closed , and we have no interest in helping two potential car-buyers. We were told to come back the next day.

Hey, Chevrolet, guess what? I'll never come back.

You see, the guy could have realized he had two potential car sales and spent the time with us, despite the fact they were "closed." OK, maybe he had someplace to go. He could have apologized for not being able to help us - he did let us in the door, after all. He could have given us brochures, asked us if we wanted to make an appointment to come back where he can assure us we'd be attended to right away. He could've, at the least, given us a business card or at least identified himself to us.

But all he said was, "Come back tomorrow."

Like I said, I won't go back. He had his chance. I went down the road to the Nissan dealership and got spectacular customer service - and the guy stayed after their closing time of 5PM to talk with me and my wife. As a result, I'm considering the Nissan, and I refuse to consider a Chevrolet.

I haven't bought an SUV yet.

I guess there's still a chance I have a change of heart, but now my wife has SUV on the brain, and you know how that goes. Much like the reinforced beams I needed to put in my attic to support the tons of holiday decorations that keep me going up and down the attic stairs all year long, once a woman has her mind set on something, it's tough to talk them out of it.

But it'll be a small truck; it will not be a gas-guzzler; it will drive more like a car than a truck.

And it will not be a Chevrolet.