The Superbowl with All the Trimmings

I'm not a football fan.

Those of you who have been reading this site for a while or have been reading from the dear, departed site, The Rant Shack(RIP), know that I'm not. To be blunt, I don't like the sport. My brothers-in-law and my father are football fans. I think the entire sport is a waste of time and keeps humanity from evolving into its ultimate destiny of being the big headed Talosian superbeings that have insanely powerful mental abilities.

Hey, there are people out there that believe that the earth and the universe are only 6,000 years old and that Adam and Eve existed. No names, I'll just silently laugh at them since they readily identify themselves at every public opportunity.

So, this year it's a little different. Obnoxiously so. The New Jersey Giants are in it (I'm sorry, where do they play again?) and that makes living in this state nearly impossible without hearing "GO BLUE!!!" EVERY 10 MINUTES!!!! Now, in addition to these football heads which come out every winter's solstice, I get it now, in concentrate.

Normally, I find other things to do during this horrible time... Like rant on my PC.

However, I've been betrayed by my own wife in this arena. She says she has to watch the game.

"I have to watch the game."
"What game?" I say with mock surprise.
"The Superbowl. The Giants are in it this year. They are playing the undefeated Patriots. It will be historic either way."
"Historic? What? Will there be a death or a killing? Will aliens land in the center of the field? Will George W. Bush blow his own brains out if his team loses?" To me, that's historic.
"No, but the Giants are in it and if the Patriots win they will be the first team to ever go undefeated through an entire season and championship."
"Whatever. I going to go food shopping."
"Why?"
"Because I don't know how "out of it" I'll need to be in order to watch this and snacking is always good."

So I went to Shopright for throwable food. You do know when football people see the players or referee do things that they don't like, they like to throw food, beer, or pretzels at the TV. It makes them feel better. My job is to find food that won't stick to the screen. Potato chips, pretzels, Doritos are usually good choices. Chilli has a tendancy to make the TV on/off switch a little grungy... so does onion dip.

My mistake was going to the store on the day of the game. Trust me, you really don't want to do this as you'll see these football people at their most obnoxious moments. They feel that since they are buying food for their party they have a priority over every other person who is buying food for their party. It's quite amusing if you can just sit back and watch them as an observer. Seriously, my local Shoprite announced over its speaker that they will have a special "G" shaped sandwich for people buying Superbowl platters.

These football people are easy tarets and are vulnerable to the Jedi Mind Trick.

"You want a "G" shaped platter."
"I want a "G" shaped platter."
"These aren't the droids you're looking for."
"These aren't the droids we're looking for."
"Move along."
"Move along."

It's just like that as I saw a flock of Giants fans head to the deli section. They pushed their snack laden carts as they lumbered like the undead to the sandwich maker mumbling, "'G' shaped Giants sandwich... 'G' shaped Giants sandwich... 'G' shaped Giants sandwich... " I took that opportunity to get some fresh fruits and juice, then I went to get my Ben & Jerry's ice cream and headed out the door.

I think the one thing that I hate about the game is that it transforms the most innocent of fans into a raving violent maniac. Even now, I can hear my wife downstairs scream at the television, "DIE YOU ROTTEN BASTARDS!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU OLD LADIES!!!! YOU CAN'T LET THEM GET ANY GROUND!!!! MUTHER-F*&%KERS!!!!"

And she's a Buddhist.

It's a horrible thing about the human condition when we can let a group of people in the media control the emotional states of viewers and then have the more sensitive viewers watch the genius of Madison Avenue work their magic with probably the best commercials you will see all year. In case you are wondering, this is an experiment in watching all the viewers react like Pavlovian Dogs to a ringing bell or a referees whistle in this case.

I want to make this perfectly clear. It's not the sport that I truly despise. It's the culture it breeds. It's the testosterone laden amounts of bullshite that come from even the most casual of conversations pertaining to the game. It's the roles that we create over and over and over again. And, much as I hate to admit this, I enjoyed seeing a New Jersey team defeat one from Massachusetts. It's a New York/Boston thing, people from outside the tristate area won't understand. However, even now, I can see this darkside within myself of gloating over the misfortune of others. I'm making my level best effort to expunge it.

I can't tell you how much I miss having a big head and making illusions to innocent space landing parties for my own enjoyment disappoints me.