"Don't go away angry... Just go away."
- Clint Eastwood, Heartbreak Ridge

"On September 25, 2003, the US District Court in Denver ruled that the National Do Not Call Registry provisions of the TSR violate the First Amendment, and prohibited the FTC from implementing the registry."
- from the Federal Trade Commission Web Site (www.ftc.gov)

"Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later?"
"Well, I'm sorry. We're not allowed to do that."
"I guess you don't want people calling you at home."
"No."
"Well, now you know how I feel."
- Jerry Seinfeld to a telemarketer

"Telemarketing has become a garish billboard planted firmly in the center of the cultural landscape, and it's become the target of professional and water-cooler social commentators throughout the nation."
- Justice Paul E. Pfeifer

September 28th, 2003

I've decided that my wife and I are moving to New Zealand.

I would have chosen the Australian outback but Australia does not allow for immigrants. So, I'll have to settle for New Zealand. I want to live in the place that Peter Jackson made the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. I want to see the mountains of Rohan. I want to see the hills of the Shire. I want to go so far into Middle Earth that no one will ever, ever find me.

And I'm not bringing a phone, either.

I'll be taking my little piece of the the United States Constitution that has been apparently been spat on, pissed at, and left out in the rain in MacArthur Park. The Constitution like a beat up old warrior, once feared and respected in its day, has found itself in an old age home playing shuffleboard, eating lime jello, and watching Geraldo. No one comes to visit him anymore and no one wants to remember the good ol times when the laws were laws to protect the innocent and punish the guilty.

In a sick perverted twist of fate, the Mainstream Marketing Services, Inc.; TMG Marketing, Inc.; and American Teleservices Association have filed a civil suit against the FTC for creating and attempting to implement the "Do not call" list. Their issue? According to the plaintiff, it goes against the Constitution's First and Fifth Amendments. This suit has put a suspension on the "Do not call" list that everyone in New Jersey has eagerly been awaiting.

For those people that have been living under a rock for most of their life, the 1st amendment is as follows: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

The 5th amendment is: No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

The 1st amendment, the first of the Bill of Rights, is the backbone of everything that makes America great. It keeps our country from being a theocracy. It allows people to worship whatever and however the choose. It allows the papers to report the truth. It allows people to gather in groups and discuss issues in a civilized rational forum. It allows the people to bring issues to their government representative so that the government will work for the people.

I fail to see where it allows a business to disturb me during dinner or during my favorite TV show in order to introduce me to lower long distance rates. Where in the Bill of Rights does it state that my privacy and peace should be violated because some corporation needs to sell me more term life insurance?

According to the plaintiff, it is their Constitutional right to bother you. Despite the overwhelming demand by the consumers that signed the "Do not call" petition list, the plaintiff regards this as being part of their freedom of speech.

Freedom of Speech is a funny thing. I am perfectly free to get up in the middle of a movie theater and start singing "God Bless America". Yet, how long would I last before I was pelted with milk duds and assaulted with salted popcorn? Not very. It is my constitutional right to tell women that they look fat in their dresses and pants. It would be perfectly true to state at times. But how long would I be waiting before one of their pudgy fists bops me in the mouth? Not long at all.

Like all things in the US Constitution, it is based on a matter of checks an balances. Action and reaction. The Catholic Church can say that it won't allow women as priests and there is nothing that the government can do about this. Not only because of the separation of Church and State but also because it is the choice of the individual whether or not to be Catholic. If you don't like the religion, don't worship with them. If enough people see that a religion is flawed, they stop attending services. And the religion, like a parasite, eventually dies.

Action and reaction. Checks and balances.

However, the case against the FTC is a mockery to justice. The people have spoken. They have said "WE DON'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED! DON'T CALL US!" The telemarketers reply is "Tough noogies, it is our right to bother you."

That being the case, I'd like to remind the good people of the telemarketing industry of my free speech. My free speech can be quite colorful at times. Let me also remind them - they called me. Expect to get an entire ear of colorful metaphors, my guess as to what their mother does professionally, and how thankful I am to be at home where I can not be privy to the operator's poor hygiene habits.

If they are lucky either my Telezapper* will eliminate my number from their records or I may be just too tired to deal with them and hang up rudely. Also, bear in mind, I have caller ID. Any call listed as "OUT OF AREA" usually gets hung up on without a "hello".

The 5th amendment summarized is the law against self incrimination, double jeopardy, and due process. You can't bear witness against... yourself. You also can't be charged twice for the same crime once you are found innocent. Tell me where in all of this telemarketing and harassment fits in. I don't know. As the telemarketers have never been put on trial, I can't see where due process is involved. The "Do not call" list is a list of people who don't want to be bothered. Where is the crime and the trial? Who is being tried? And who is being denied their right to a fair trial?

I see no law broken, no trial, and no double trial to violate anyone's rights. Least of which, obnoxious telemarketers.

* - A machine I bought at Radio Shack. It apparently will eliminate your name from a telemarketers database once you answer the phone. A gentle tone will indicate that the machine is working. It's hard to tell whether or not the machine actually is doing its job. You can only go by the volume of calls you receive in a month.