"I don't care if it rains or freezes, long as I have my plastic Jesus ridin on the dashboard of my car. I could go a hundred miles per hour longs' I got the Almighty Power. Glued up there by my pair of fuzzy dice."
- The Right Reverend Dr. Billy Sol Hargus (Don Imus)

"Know your enemy."
- Sun Tzu, The Art of War

"A life without God has nothing to offer you. Learn how to recognize even the smallest deception and obtain God's best for your life. Find out how to face deception head-on, strengthen your faith and live free!"
- Jesse Duplantis Ministries for the sale of his book "What In Hell Do You Want?" - $14.99

"In the year 2004, The Lakewood International Center will be one of the largest ministry facilities in the country, and it will be located in the fourth largest city and the second busiest intersection in America."
- "The Vision" from Joel Osteen's Lakewood International Church web site

This was long overdue. Born Again Christians will be offended.

There - you've been warned.

November 30th, 2003

I grew up Christian and Roman Catholic. Don't worry, I got better.

I say grew up Christian because I was taught in Sunday School that everyone is born Christian. After Confirmation at age 12, you are a Catholic. Confirmation in the Catholic Church's eyes means a person is a spiritual adult and has made an adult decision to follow a Catholic spiritual path. This is the reality, though, after 12 years of brainwashing, the Church has determined that a human being is at the perfect age to be a lifetime dupe of this organization. At 12, a boy can parrot out the answers that have been taught to him, withstand a quiz from the Bishop, and feel good about himself for taking what he perceives as "the next step" in his growth spiritually. However, also at twelve, a boy does not have the experiential knowledge of what else is out there. What he has been "taught" is that anything outside and contra to the teachings of the Bible is evil, wrong, and from the Devil. After seventeen years of this bombardment, plus a couple more from a Jesuit college education, those teachings become real.

As I said, I got better.

At age 17, I knew one thing for sure. If there was a Jesus, his intentions were not what was being spewed out weekly at mass. I knew this. I was sure of it. I had told my parents directly, "I believe in Jesus. I don't believe in the Catholic Church." Even to this day, after I have declared myself a Pagan, I still believe that Jesus existed. I believe he was an interesting philosopher and a spiritual guide that had said many of the things that Budda and Confucius had taught 400 years earlier. Actually, I think Jesus's message was very much in line with the summary put by Eddie Izzard, "Let's drink some wine, have some fun and be groovy to each other."

At least, that's what I hoped he was like. And I'm certain had I met him during his lifetime, I'd have loved to knock down a couple of bottles of wine with him and his lovely wife, Mary Magdelene.*

What I believe the reality of Jesus's life and death is that he was, simply put, railroaded. He taught a new philosophy that went against the religious ideals popular at that time and the spiritual leaders in power were able to get him arrested, sentenced, and crucified. I'm certain Jesus did as he preached in what Ghandi later used as passive-resistance by doing nothing. So profound was his impact that the legend of him "rising again" became popular. Paul (or Saul) the apostle capitalized on this by creating a religion based on a popular figure.

Had television been around he'd have been the first televangelist.

But let us look at the facts. There is not one shred of physical proof that anything in the Bible actually happened from Genesis to the end of Jesus's life. Paul existed. The time he describes and his letters are based on what was happening at that time. How it correlates to spirituality is a different matter. The words written in Corinthians and Phillipians are nothing more than a public relations campaign for early Christianity. So the stories and the legend of Jesus was that he became the son of the Hebrew Patriarchal God.

As a matter of fact there is archaeological evidence to contradict almost everything that happened within the old testament. The theory of evolution goes directly against anything ever taught in Genesis. Astronomers who know about the big bang take out God's light switch story of "Let there be light". The story of Dionysis which is eerily like that of the Jesus legend speaks of the death and rebirth of the son of Zeus. These are all myths that have been examined and documented in the books written by Joseph Campbell in Hero with A Thousand Faces as well as his Masks of God series.

But I'm going off on a tangent I don't wish to. Let's get back to Paul.

Paul was the first of the "televangelists" (Okay, there was no TV. But that's a technicality). He came into a town or wrote letters explaining how to believe and what evil was. From his teachings more evil and more dark atrocities have been perpetrated in the name of Jesus. Women not becoming priests, the concept of celibacy, and the entire subjugation of an entire sex within the Church is linked to Paul. Thinking like this spawned books as The Malleus Maleficarum aka The Witch Hammer. It was at one point as popular as the Bible and used as the Inquisitor's handbook. It was the text used to discover and convict women practicing what the Church labeled as witchcraft. Most of the time, the women were innocent and the cats killed as their "familiars" also had nothing to do with their accusation. The fact that most of these women owned land that the Church wished to own of course was coincidental. The familiars are the same cats that would have caught the rats that carried the Black Plague.

Oh well, you can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs.

My wife and I have a new past time. We have started watching TBN - The Trinity Broadcast Network (let us leave alone that the concept of a trinity has been female and predates the Bible in many pagan believes: Egyptian, Greek, Roman, and Celtic among others). Trinity in this case would be the Christian blessed trinity of Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Here we meet Paul's children. The children of Paul have an air of outrageousness that Paul would never have dreamed of. TBN, founded by Paul Crouch and his wife Jan, has a long standing record of preaching out sermons that can't possibly be true and are using very sophisticated brainwashing techniques.

Any person who is a free thinker and knows that there is a difference in reality and what is written in the Bible will see these idiots for what they are in a New York minute. Every minute I spend watching these people is an insult to my intelligence. They are money grubbing charlatans who recognize that the only way Christianity can expand is for members to be born into it, through Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and (my favorite) marrying into it. But don't believe me. Use your own brain. Ask yourself this question: If I wasn't born Christian and was born into another religion would I want to be a Christian?

I remember the first time my wife and I stumbled across TBN. It was a live show of Pastor Jentezen Franklin. The show was for teenagers. I still shudder when I think of this. His big message was that the rock stars of today are not role models. He would illustrate this by showing an actor portraying a rock star and they have several other actors dancing behind him as "demon thingys" while he performed a popular song. He started to imply that all of the rock stars portrayed died because Jesus was not in their lives. My favorite was when they started to portray the rock star Aaliyah. Jentezen implied that had she been more holy, she WOULD NOT HAVE DIED IN A PLANE CRASH.

See an ounce of prevention would have saved her. Get to church or you'll die... horribly.

He would further illustrate the point that sin was like a python. First, he would have a real snake on the stage and then hold up a stuffed one to show how the temptations of pleasure will squeeze and squeeze you until you die.

What tripe!

Jentezen was followed by an equally stupid bit of preaching in the form of Jesse Duplantis. Jesse is amusing to a point but the fact remains, he speaks nothing but nonsense. He struts upon his large stage like pulpit entertaining people in his quaint Georgian anecdotes that have nothing to do with anything and largely incorporate his cutesey "ghetto voice" (as I like to call it) to say how he was "fended". Jesse's favorite theme is how the devil will make you do things. In my mind, this is a free pass to Christians to say, "I'm not responsible for my own actions. The devil made me do it." The one thing I love about Paganism is that we take responsibility for our own actions.

When we screw up, we own up to it.

The sad part of all of this is watching how Jesse's audience is hanging on every word and taking notes during the sermon IN THEIR OWN PERSONAL BIBLES. Jesse will say things like, "Write this down - STUPIDITY + GREED = STUPID GREED". He will introduce this like it's an absolute mathematical formula and the gullible congregation stupidly WRITES IT DOWN. Why? Is it for further inspection later on that day? I can see it now. Jethro after the service will say to his wife, Minnie Pearl Joe Bob, "What was that Jesse said today about stupid greed? Get the Bible and the formula!"

After the show Jesse has his own personal word on how much he loves Jesus and that if you buy his latest book, you can love him too. Okay, I'm not being that serious about that. But I am being serious when I say that he's trying to get donations so he can have a new plane. That is absolutely true.

Following Jesse at that time is Joel Osteen of the Lakewood International Church - which, as I understand it, will be as big as a football stadium once the next one is finished. Remember kids, the church isn't into saving souls. It's investing in real estate. Also remember that churches are not taxed. Joel begins with his marine line drill very much like in the Full Metal Jacket tradition of "This is my rifle. This is my gun. This is for shooting. This is for fun." Instead he has the parishioners recite their creed (ensemble and flatly):

"This is my Bible. I am what it says I am. I can do what it says I can do. Today I will be taught the Word of God. I boldly confess my mind is alert, my heart is receptive. I will never be the same. I am about to receive the incorruptible, indestructible, ever-living seed of the Word of God. I will never be the same. Never, never, never. I will never be the same. In Jesus name."

Be afraid, kids, be very afraid.

Joel Osteen, the youthful pastor of the Lakewood International Church, has a sickeningly sweet southern accent. It is the same voice that Jan Hooks used in Pee Wee's Big Adventure as the tour guide to the Alamo. Unfortunately, the charisma is somewhat lost on me as I seem to have an epileptic fit everytime I hear it. This is brainwashing at it's finest. He will say the same thing about 50 times within his hour sermon albeit slightly different each time. Remember that the secret to brainwashing is repetition. If you say something to a captive audience enough times, they'll start to believe it's true. At least, that's the theory.

Joel's message that week was that if you wanted to be successful, hang out with successful people. I am living proof that is not true. Most of the people I know are successful and pretty much well off. I, however, am skating a thin line between poverty and middle class. I'm an educated, intelligent man who works for one of this country's top financial firms. I have hardly any money to my name. It has nothing to do with the people I hang out with.

Jack Van Impe is about as bad. I recommend you don't watch this unless you are over 65. It's that bad. He and his CO-host (his wife), will banter out current events and how it correlates to the Bible - WHICH HE HAS MEMORIZED. Now, when he speaks about any of the issues he brings up scripture and verse of the Bible as if it's an absolute right. First off, most of the time, it's taken completely out of context, secondly, this is not the word of God - it's the word of man. Jack Van Impe will spew his words to his word as if it were prophesy.

I could do the same trick as well. Except I'd use either the Complete Works of Shakespeare or all of the lyrics to the Beatles Songs. It's that evident.

A show that has nothing to do with TBN and has recently shown it's ugly head on BET is the show for the profit prophet, Robert Tilton. This is the ugliest of all of the money reaping televangelists. My friend Brian and I used to watch him late night on cable in the early 90's. Reverend Tilton used to have a money raising show for specifically that - RAISING MONEY! His line? "Give me a faith donation of A THOUSAND DOLLARS - and you'll go to heaven." This is not that much different from the Oral Roberts' line of "If I don't get EIGHT MILLION DOLLARS before the end of the month - GOD WILL KILL ME!"†

It's nice to know that God isn't beyond extortion.

Robert Tilton disappeared from the airwaves for several years after Diane Sawyer exposed him on Nightline. Apparently, all of the letters with pleas for help were dumped unread into a dumpster behind the office Tilton used for donations. The donations, of course, were carefully removed.

It was sad, really. People who barely had any money would send their last $1,000 to save their sons, mothers, daughters, fathers, and close family members for the miracle that Robert Tilton would grant them. They went ignored. That $1,000 dollars would have gone to a better place rather than Mr. Tilton's pocket. Well, Bobbie boy is back in action. He's on BET. I recommend watching him. He will speak in fake tongues and get "spiritual messages". This is an act he can take on the road.

The pinnacle of ostentation is the show Praise the Lord. This is Paul Crouch's baby. You can tell by the tacky gold leaf furniture and excessive opulence of the set. This is the one that he and Jan are on. This is the show that he will shamelessly beg for money. Why? Well, God NEEDS a new satellite station. God doesn't need a satellite station. And he certainly doesn't need money to get his message across to the people. After all, how much does a burning bush and 4 stone tablet cost in this day and age. (Remember, Moses broke the first set of 10 commandments written on two tablets.) Expenses for God could be covered by the local Home Depot.

Occasionally, on Praise the Lord, you'll see Dr. Mark Chironna who delivers a sermon with the same type of facial gestures as Gloria Swanson did in Sunset Blvd. As he preaches, I expect the line "I'm ready for my close up, Mr. DeMille." to erupt from his lips. He stands there and speaks slowly dressed in clothes that a Mafia Don wouldn't be caught dead in. And then he uses "the trick".

They all use certain techniques that work for them with their congregation. When they are ready to make their nonsensical point they begin to talk faster and with more force. It's as if there were a conductor directing them. The conductor yells,"Allegro! Fortissimo!" Then, at last, they drive a sentence home as if to say, "You see my logic now!"

And, of course, I don't. I don't do well with nonsense outside of watching Nicktoons.

My favorite is when the pastor or preacher doesn't know himself and will tell the audience "You just aren't getting me." I grant you that the typical audience member of these ensembles usually has the IQ of your basic toothpick. However, if it were me, I wouldn't stand there and have my intelligence insulted by someone raving nonsense and has poor communication skills.

Lately the biggest common issue with all of the programs on TBN is the problem with the separation of Church and state. The Christians are insisting that America is a Christian nation. It isn't. It all has to do with that little first amendment "Freedom of religion" thingy. Pastor Jentezen Franklin was attempting to make the point in his Dying Nation sermon that because God is mentioned so prominently in the writings of Thomas Jefferson as he used the term "in the year of our Lord 1776" that it was meant to be a marriage between Church and state. If the good Pastor would only bring up a few of Jefferson's other writings on the freedom of religion he would lose his own argument. (If you want to read up on it, click here.)

Apparently, the thing that has stuck in the craw of all of these televangelists is the "10 commandments" issue. You know where I stand on this one. I prefer to have my state without religion, so get the partiality out of the court house. As all judges have to be "fair and impartial", having a religious icon in the court goes against Pagans like me.

Do you realize that there is no word in the American Indian tongue for "religion"? Yet, there are no people on this planet more spiritual than the American Indian. Their spirituality is their life.

Being a citizen of this country gives me this right. I can be a Christian. I could also be a Jew. I have the right to be a Protestant, a Muslim, a Buddhist, a Hindu, a Shin Taoist, a Pagan, or even a Satanist (if I chose to be). I could also choose not to believe in anything. That is the essence of freedom.

See if you can see this one. If you look at all the signs of what a cult is and what classifies one. You could agree that Christianity is one. When people break away from the Bible and its teachings - when they realize that God wasn't there with pen and paper composing a book - they open their eyes to reality and open themselves to real spiritual enlightenment. However, don't believe me use this set of criteria to determine if Christianity is a destructive cult.**

1. The first set of criteria comes from the group' use of a specific set of mind control tactics.
2. The cult is authoritarian in its power structure.
3. The cult's leaders tend to be charismatic, determined, and domineering.
4. The cult's leaders are self-appointed, messianic persons who claim to have a special mission in life.
5. The cult's leaders center the veneration of members upon themselves.
6. The cult tends to be totalitarian in its control of the behavior of its members.
7. The cult tends to have a double set of ethics.
8. The cult has basically only two purposes, recruiting new members and fundraising.
9. The cult appears to be innovative and exclusive.

I know I'm being harsh with the Christians but I was set off on the Friday after Thanksgiving when a preacher (I never got his name) in all of his nonsensical ramblings said that the 9-11 attack occurred because we as a country did not repent enough. He implied that we deserved this and asked for it. I saw this on TBN and I screamed back at the deaf television, "YOU WEREN'T THERE!! YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!! YOU WERE BUSY DOWN SOUTH SCREWING INNOCENT PEOPLE OUT OF THEIR HARD EARNED CASH FOR YOUR SHAM OF A RELIGION!!!!" Ten seconds later I began to compose this rant in my head.

And will someone tell me, WHAT THE HELL IS THE DEAL WITH THE HANDS?!!! These guys go on a sermon and the congregation lifts either their right hand to them or both hands. Is it to get some of their spirituality? Is it psychic vibrations? Is it to keep from falling over? These people are doing it as if they are at a Christian Rock Concert. Did they want the holy spirit from them? If so, they are wasting their time. There's nothing there.

The big thing they all try to get behind is fighting "the enemy". They have to do combat with "the enemy". In their definition of the word, that would most likely be me and my ilk. You know... free thinkers. I don't worship his God and, thanks to the Bible, I have to worry about their righteous wrath. The Bible says "Thou shalt not kill." Exodus 22:18 - King James Version of the Bible also made an exception in the case of witches. Kill them. (Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live. You shall stone them and their blood will be on their head.) That's in the Bible. I swear it is.

My point after all of this is simply this: Don't be a sheep.

Think for yourself. Follow your bliss. If whatever religion you are in now is not fulfilling you spiritually, don't be in it. My wife after being a Catholic all of her life found peace as a pagan witch. I've never seen her happier. As I discovered, for myself, that hard evidence is the truth. Rather than run on blind faith, I've found myself to be more spiritual. When an institution comes into power through murder and atrocities so heinous and contra to the peace of what they preach, it's time to reassess their values as well as your own.

* - Okay, I can't prove it 100% but in several passages within the Bible it has been noted that she oiled him with alabaster. This was part of a wedding ritual. Did it ever occur to anyone that the wedding feast at Cana may have been Jesus's? Hence Mother Mary's telling him that they've run out of wine. Who but the host would take on that kind of responsibility?

† - The exact term he used was "God will call him home" - translation: "God will kill me!"

** - Factnet

*** - In actuality the original translation was poisoners but the Christians (King James) changed it to witches.