Vikar's Rant: The Commute

"You get up every morning from your 'larm clock's warning take the 8:15 into the city. There's a whistle up above and people pushin', people shovin' and the girls who try to look pretty. And if your train's on time
You can get to work by nine and start your slaving job to get your pay."
- Bachman-Turner Overdrive, Taking Care off Business

"Woke up, fell out of bed, dragged a comb across my head. Found my way downstairs and drank a cup, and looking up I noticed I was late. Found my coat and grabbed my hat, made the bus in seconds flat. Found my way upstairs and had a smoke, and somebody spoke and I went into a dream."
- Lennon/McCartney, A Day in the Life

"Tumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen pour myself a cup of ambition yawnin, stretchin, try to come to life. Jump in the shower and the blood starts pumpin out on the streets the traffic starts jumpin and folks like me on the job from 9 to 5."
- Dolly Parton, 9 to 5

"Commuter -- one who spends his life in riding to and from his wife; And man who shaves and takes a train, and then rides back to shave again."
- E. B. White

"Get to work late and the bossman's giving you Hell "
- Bruce Springsteen

March 11 , 2007

The ways of fate are strange.

I was torn between two different topics for ranting today and wasn't quite sure which one I was going to do today. Both subjects are prime ranting material but today Odin and King Vikar reached through the mists of Norse mythology and used whatever power they had to cause my Adobe Illustrator program to fail right after I made the title for one of them. And, rather than do a restart on my PC to continue, I decided that sticking with the title that worked was what I was meant to do. The other topic, which will remain untitled, will have to stay on the back burner for a bit until it just can't be ignored anymore and demand to be birthed.

I mentioned Odin before as this specific rant has a lot to do with traveling. Odin, for those of you who have had a chance to read Neil Gaiman's, American Gods, usually takes the guise of a wanderer or a traveler. However, unlike traveling for fun or vacation, this is the traveling most of us poor working shmoes have to do on an almost daily basis. This is the commute.

There are some people out there who have no idea what I'm talking about. They either a) don't work at all or b) have a dream commute where they can walk to work or hop on a subway and be at the office 10 minutes after leaving their home. My mother is one of the walkers and I used to be one of the dream commuters. My mother, who, as of this writing is 66 years old (she'll be 67 in June) walks to work in the spring and summer. She lives almost half a mile from the Nursery School she owns and says it's great exercise.

She'll outlive me.

When I first started my corporate life with "The Company that must not be named", I had what is known as a "light commute". In 1990, I lived in a small apartment at Exchange Place in Jersey City which was a 5 minute walk to the PATH train and a 5 minute ride to the World Trade Center. From there, my entire commute was indoor to the World Financial Center. Door to Desk time was 20 minutes. The cost of my commute? Two dollars a day. I could leave my apartment at 8:30 and be early for a 9:AM day. It was sweet.

The second apartment I had was in Hoboken. It was a little longer. I had an apartment on 2nd and Madison. For those of you who know Hoboken, yes, I know it was a crappy location. I was never mugged, though. It was rumored that the building I lived in was owned by the mob and it was strangely quiet in that building.

Don't ask. Don't tell.

The commute time through the Hoboken Ferry was about twenty-five minutes and it would drop me off at the World Financial Center. Trust me, there is nothing like a nice brisk ferry ride in the winter and it's wonderful in the spring and summer. The ferry ride cost $1.50 each way and was a pleasant way to get to work.

The third apartment I had was back in Jersey City. Things did not work out with my roommate and so I got a place of my own near Journal Square. For $550 a month at a cockroach infested, 5th floor walk up that had questionable electrical capacity (which would not allow for an air conditioner), I got a 30 minute commute from door to desk. The company changed our department's location to our data center on Houston and Washington St. The trip started from Journal Square, to Grove St, to Pavonia, to Christopher St. in New York.

Hey, I was twenty five and I could get to bars easily without having to worry about a designated driver.

But it's funny, with each move I got further and further away from the city and extended my commute just a bit more... just a little more. It was as if I was doing pain tolerance tests on myself. Does this hurt? Not that much? How about this? Still okay? How about THIS!!!!??? Hmmm, That'll leave a mark.

I stayed in that apartment until I got married. The real estate agent I used found us a place in Secaucus. For me, it was quite an improvement. The three things that got me to move out was 1) I was getting married and would need more space, 2) an incident with a cockroach that has left me permanently scarred and 3) the allure of living in a place which would not wake me with deafening salsa music at 3:AM was more than I could resist.

I remember this conversation with my wife.

"Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Excactly."

So, Secaucus was a walk to the local bus to the Journal Square PATH to work. Commute time, door to desk? 55 minutes. Still not so bad. The only stop gaps was waiting for the bus and waiting for the train. If I left my house at 7:45, I was pretty sure I could be at work by 8:45. It wasn't so bad. Secaucus was quiet and was our first experience as a married couple. We stayed there for almost 3 years and would have probably remained there were it not for our landlady's decision to sell her house.

In April of 1998, I learned the definition of commuting hell.

Before I go any further I have to say this. I love Freehold. I love living in a place where when night comes, it gets dark. I love the quiet of country living. I love the history of the town. I love the fact that I live on a famous battleground (the Battle of Monmouth from the Revolutionary War). I love the fact that my wife has a life down here and I can leave my car unlocked at night with little risk that it will be stolen.

Freehold is the hometown of Bruce Springsteen and if you listen to his early songs you can hear him sing of the town landmarks including "Main Street's white washed windows".

My wife and I got a steal on a townhouse for $110K. Our mortgage is still less than $900 a month, which, believe it or not is less than what we were paying in Secaucus. But everything has its price and somethings are not paid in money. Until I was let go from "the company", I got up every weekday at 5:AM to catch a 5:45 bus to downtown New York and would either walk or train to Houston St. At one point, my hours were 7:30 to 3:30 and I could get home before the rush hour started with enough time to work out. After a reorganization in 2001, those days ended. And although I could get in quickly, getting home was a nightmare.

Currently, I have a 9:AM to 6:PM work day. Trust me, it could be worse. I get home at 8:PM every night. It's a life draining commute.

Here are the problems that everyone who has to make the New York commute from Freehold (and further) have to endure:

The bus. I've mentioned in previous rants that I have a problem with this form of commute. There is a real danger of developing arthritis in your knees. I have it now. This comes from keeping your knees in one position for a prolonged amount of time. The other danger is there is a high probability of some IDIOT who thinks his chair is a Lazyboy recliner. He's the one who will not only instill a sense of claustrophobia in the person behind him but also crush that person's knees in the process.

Bus etiquette demands he be smacked upside the head. You have my permission. It's okay. DO IT!!!! You can also feel free to scream, "WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID!!!! WHY ARE YOU SO F#$%KING STUPID!!!! YOU ARE IN A CROWDED BUS!!!!! WHO THE F%^&K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??!!!!! A$$HOLE!!!"

Anything less would not be appropriate.

Anything that keeps you from sleeping should be dealt with in the most direct of terms. Respect your fellow passengers in the morning. They will be sleeping, too. And always remember, you are in a confined space for an undetermined amount of time where you may not walk around and the best thing you can do is keep quiet and wish you were not there.

The weather. The route I take is commonly called the Route 9 corridor. The route is from Route 9 to the Garden State Parkway to exit 129, The New Jersey Turnpike to the Lincoln Tunnel to the Port Authority. The first step is the hardest, especially in the winter. Snowfall is the obvious concern, but it is not the only one. Snow fall can make the one mile drive to the parking lot precarious. And you haven't lived unless you've come back from a long day of work only to find your car frozen under half an inch of ice. That's usually when you remember that the ice scraper is not in the car. If you are really lucky someone will help you break the ice sealing the door shut.

But even that's not even the worst part.

The worst part is the wind. The bus stops have a small shelter for commuters. These shelters will accomodate about 15 people. The rest of the fools who get caught outside the shelter and have to endure an arctic like windchill factor sometimes 10 to 15 degrees below zero. That's usually when the bus runs late. Rainstorms can drench a commuter and the wind can destroy an umbrella. On any good storm day, the parking lot will look like a broken umbrella graveyard.

Think the good weather will save you? Think again. From May to September, the Jersey Shore becomes a traffic nightmare with people trying to either get to the beach or, on a Friday, get to a summer home. Commute times can sometimes reach 3 to 3 1/2 hours long. I could tell you a story about a 3 1/2 hour long ride in August when the air conditioner broke on a crowded bus and some brain damaged mother thought it was a great idea to change her screaming kid's diaper inside. Yes, I can hear some of you say it probably could not be helped. However, if you think there's any chance that it could - DRIVE IN!!!!

Bus Arrival and Departure Times. Sometimes I hear train commuters whine about switching failures and they have to wait on the station until the switch clears. BOO F@#$%KING HOO!!! What for them is an occasional inconvenience is a normal occurrence to anyone who has to take a bus to and from the city. Catching the bus in the morning isn't really that bad. The bus could be five or six minutes late or a normal day. And sometimes, the bus can be 15 to 20 minutes late. That last part is unusual. However, you can almost rely on the fact that the bus departing the Port Authority to Freehold will, if it isn't late, may not show up at all.

I have yet to actually coin the term for the anxiety a commuter has on getting the last, next to last, or just missing the last seat of an evening bus. See, getting the last seat on the bus mean you'll be sitting next to the big fat smelly guy who really should be paying for two seats. Getting the second to last seat is choosing between the fat smelly guy and the fat woman who insists on talking on her cell phone the entire ride. Just missing the last seat on the bus and getting cut off means you have to wait until the next bus arrives... whenever that is.

Incidentally, expect delays if a stray flake of snow falls anywhere in the tri-state area. Normally, it means that bus drivers don't want to chance bad road conditions and will drive extra cautious. After all, driving a bus that big means that the driver has a .000001% chance of sliding and that's a risk they don't want to take.

In any event, when people say they work an eight hour day, do be sure to tack on an extra 4 hours of that day to just waiting for a bus to actually arrive and get to its destination.

Of course, bus arrivals can be delayed because the driver made a bad call. Sometimes the tried, true, and reliable course they made just wasn't good enough and they decide that going through Hoboken, Jersey City, or even Newark is the best course of action. Sometimes an adventurous bus driver will feel taking the car lane is a better call than taking the express bus lane because, you know, the cars are smaller and will be intimidated by a larger vehicle and get out of the bus's way.

In short, if you have the choice between taking a bus and a train, take the train. You at least know when the train is going to arrive and when the train is going to depart. What's more? You know what time the train will reach its final destination. With buses anything can happen.

Subways. You know, outside of television, there are very few things that can provide more amusement than time spent on a subway platform or inside a subway car. It's best to think like that because if you start to think of why on earth an indoor underground environment should be twice as hot or twice as cold as being outside on any given day, you could probably take a life. How is it possible that through the laws of themodynamics a subway platform underground in the Port Authority can have arctic winds blow through there without a train arriving? In the winter, it's at least twenty degrees colder inside near the tracks than it is outside.

Personally, I think the city of New York takes the opportunity to test its underground air condition units. It's cheaper for them to operate them in February than it is for them to operate them in July when it's 150 degrees in the tunnel. That's the flip side of the subway system. In the summer, it's like an oven. And I can sort of understand that because of body heat and carbon dioxide with nowhere to go. But the real question is, "If it gets extra hot in the summer, why doesn't it get warmer in the winter?"

It's too much for my poor fragile little mind to handle.

The summer is always fun because the commuters are treated to the homeless body odor extravaganza or what I like to call a "smell-a-palooza". See if you can guess what Ol' Willie ate or drank three day's ago from what is seeping through his pores today. It's a great game. Especially if you can limit the answers to garlic, vomit, thunderbird wine, cheese, or just old used underwear.

Inside the car the smells are nice and contained. So you get to rebreathe the scent over and over again. That's always fun when you have exactly 3 cubic inches of personal space to play with. Here's a handy tip: When a train arrives that's waaaay overcrowded, do yourself a favor and wait for the next one. It's the really stupid people that rush to get into a train where there's a high probability of getting to know someone you never ever wanted to get to know.

It is especially fun when the "born again" evangelizing homeless guy walks through the car quoting John the Revelator and his "lake of fire" shpeil. I usually give him money to just shut him up and move on. Of course the cheap way out of that situation is to just have a good MP3 player with good headphones and a volume knob.

That should really be the next ad campaign for Apple. "Ipod! Your defense against the homeless!"

If you find yourself in that kind of a situation or any kind of unusual situation, take your MP3 player or walkman and turn up the volume. Then, sort of stare out into space. Chances are you'll look to be too much of a bother to disturb. And if they persist, futz around with the controls a long time before you ask, "Huh? What?" Trust me, if you can't ignore them, annoy them.

I think I've mentioned this before but my friend Jim had a game he used to play on the New York Subway system. He used to go on a train and stare at a passenger until the passenger would look away and then he'd move to the next passenger and do the same thing. He work around the car until he got to where he started. Of course the danger in that was when he got to a guy who would not look away. His answer was always, "You win. I lose. Bye." Then he'd leave. Quickly.

There's a guy who just scares me now, though. He seems to be a permanent resident at the 5th Avenue and 53rd Street station on the upper level. He's this older black guy. Lunatic. And everyday has his own spoken rants. The problem is that when you make the time to listen to him, he's completely lucid. There is no slurring of his words and he does not stagger in any way shape or form. He's clear minded.

But he's insane. Just completely nutsy coo-coo bananashitz.

And I know... I JUST KNOW... I am just four or five really bad commutes away from being that guy. And I'll be at the same station as he is having the homeless version of the Lincoln/Douglass debates. And we'll be debating things like which is better to brush your teeth with: Thunderbird or Night Train? or Why do squirrels always taste best off of a spit?

Of course when you actually get to your stop there's the wait to walk up the stairs. I remember when the old Carol Burnett Show used to be on and Tim Conway used to do this act as an old guy where he's shuffle his feet and slowly move from one thing to another and Harvey Coreman would try and not laugh. Well, as I'm living the old man walk now, I'm not laughing.

That brings me to a theory that my old friend Brian used to talk about. It's his "speed bump" theory. He believes that not all people are live sentient beings. He thinks that there are these automated husks that are put into this world to "just be in your way". They are speed bumps. They have no intelligence and they sort of lumber around with near glacial speed (Glacial speed being a lot faster than it used to be). And you KNOW that if they weren't there at all, you'd just speed along and get to your destination without worrying about missing a train or a bus... or elevator.

Ever find yourself in that situation? You know that you'd have gotten to your meeting on time if it wasn't for this constant obstruction of a person who seemed to go left when you went left and went right when you went right... And just when you got past them, you bolt to try to catch up where you would have been if they hadn't been there and... the elevator door or the subway door SLAMS SHUT IN YOUR FACE.

Yes, it happens.

The walk. There is always part of a commute which will involve a walk. Walking in New York City is similar to a salmon swimming upstream. Once you get up to street level or out of a bus you just have to deal with the walking speed bumps that are out there. The speed bumps are not only walking in front of you but are also walking toward you. This is where video game training will come in handy.

Walking in New York can be a game. It's a combination between Tetris and Football.

Walk into the spaces, pass the speedbumps and walk into the gaps between the oncoming speedbumps. When one comes to close the gap or make it smaller, dodge and twist to avoid them. Always keep pace and a personal time.

What I now do is when I leave the office at night I put on my MP3 player and do a Hudson Hawk, "Swinging On A Star" kind of time keep. Before I leave the building, I set my MP3 player to Springsteen's Born to Run. The objective is to get to the subway station before 10th Avenue Freeze Out ends. Usually, if I can get to St. Patrick's Cathedral shortly after Thunder Road ends I'm doing okay. If I can do that, I've run the gambit before the lights and the crosswalks have changed. It's good exercise when you can't get any.

There is no prize for coming in or loss if you don't. The only prize may be the holding onto your sanity. That being what it is.

Tools of the trade. What most people notice now is that others are carrying backpacks going to work. I'm no exception. The backpack seems to have replaced the briefcase in the carry on department. This is true especially in the winter. If you want to do a daily commute to the city and keep your sanity, you want to make it as painless as possible.

Here's what you'll need to survive. Some of these are optional and some can be replaced for others.

Bring:

1 MP3 player or IPOD with good ear phones. I recommend at least 1 Gigabyte of space on the player.
1 book to further your career aspirations. Techies consider a new computer language.
1 book of good fiction. I recommend Stephen King, Neil Gaiman, or Terry Pratchett.
1 roll of Rolaids.
1 small bottle of Advil.
1 small bottle of water. (Used only in emergencies)
1 portable DVD player.
3 DVD Movies. Rotate them from your personal library or get them from Netflix or Blockbuster.
1 Cellphone (downloadable games optional)

MP3 Player - As mentioned before, it's the best defense against people you don't want to talk to. If you can get audio books uploaded to it, you can snooze on the bus and get your entertainment. MP3 player is good for killing time.

Improving book - You should spend approximately 10 hours of your week doing something to improve your skill set. This is according to the 7 Habbits of Highly Successful People. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time. If you are going to waste your time in one place. Use your time constructively.

Good Fiction Book - And there are just time you won't be able to concentrate. I being "ADD-Boy" find myself at times unable to concentrate on technical manuals while riding on a bus. I get what Buddhists call "Monkey-mind" and can't keep my thoughts on one thing. Sometimes a good entertaining book will do the trick.

Rolaids - It spells relief for a reason. You can buy Rolaids anywhere and you don't want heartburn on a bus.

Advil - Think you can't get a headache on a bus? Yeah, you can. Take Advil with...

Water - Don't drink water before going on a bus. Unless the bus has a bathroom (rare and unreliable) you don't want to hold your pee that long. Best to dry swallow the Advil.

Portable DVD player - This is a Godsend. There are rides when you hit traffic and there's a smelly guy and the best way to get out of this world is to pop in a DVD and make the time pass quickly. Charge up the DVD before leaving work (you'll need about 3 hours) and pop in a disk. Trust me, there's nothing better to make the time pass on a bus. I have yet to finish a full length film from the time the bus leaves to when I get I get to Freehold.

3 DVD Movies - A Comedy, A Scifi, and a Mystery. Who knows what mood you'll be in?

Cellphone - I hate these f#$%king things. However, the best thing they ever did was make downloadable games. I play Sudoku when I have nothing else. Plus, you never know if the bus will break down. Remember set your phone on vibrate and keep your voice down, the conversation short, and cover your mouth.

These things came in handy during 9-11 and it's always good to have things in your backpack that will keep you busy in the event you are in a place you don't want to be for a long time. I remember that the Boy Scouts used to say "Be Prepared". Well, take that advice and apply it to your commute because if you are stuck in what I can term as sometimes a "Premature Burial" type of claustraphobia, it's good to have a ticket to sanity handy.