"If that's true, you must know my mother's maiden name. What is it? What is it?"
- Father Damien Karass, The Exorcist (right before his pea soup bath)

“Well? Welllll? OUT WITH IT!!!! ”
- Dean Vernon Wormer, Animal House to Kent Dorfman

"I can't believe I threw up in front of Dean Wormer."
"Face it, Kent. You threw up ON Dean Wormer."
- Kent "Flounder" Dorfman and "Boon" Shranstein, Animal House

“Would you like a mint? It's only wafer thin.”
- John Cleese to Terry Jones in the "Mr. Creosote" skit from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life (right before Mr. Creosote exploded in a storm of vomit).

June 10th, 2006

Everyone gets sick. People, dogs, cats, elk... everyone.

When I say "gets sick", I mean vomit. It's just a fact of life. If you are one of those people who adamantly refuses to admit you vomit or HAVE ever vomited, talk to your mother. She'll tell you of times when you were too young to remember vomiting. I can say this with some confidence, because I've never seen or heard of a baby that has NOT vomited. Some parents are proud of this and will take pictures.

Really, it's true.

Well, whatever the event or the reason, it's really nothing to be ashamed of. It's a natural thing. It's like going to the bathroom, when the body calls for a rejection or purging something immediately, chances are, the process will happen without the brain's approval.

Despite this knowledge, it is no surprise that people feel ashamed of throwing up. It's an thoroughly unpleasant process with a product that nobody wants to see or experience. It's is also quite common that people who see other people throwing up, throw up themselves. The term "barf-o-rama", should not be lost on anyone who has hurled just from seeing or being in the presence of someone else hurling. It's an psycho-physiological reaction that's contagious to anyone who is not prepared for it.

It's usually that sweet-sour smell that accompanies the loss of cookies.

And unless you're a super model (Why are they called super models? Do they have heat vision or something?), you'll do your level best to keep yourself FROM vomiting. Even though vomiting naturally occurs, it goes against the normal biological process in a way the nose, mouth, throat and sinuses are ill prepared for. How many times after vomiting, do you feel the need to blow your nose to find that bit of pasta you ate last night?

Most people think, "Hmmmmm, How did that get there?"

Vomiting. is sooo repugnant, the human race has come up with countless terms to use to describe the event.
Here's a few:

I mean we have to see a bit of humor just from the naming conventions we use. The experience is dreadful and human beings, being what we are, make light of what normally is a somewhat traumatic process. We haven't applied the same principle to the birthing process or the passing of a gall stone, but I'm sure, given the trend we have toward such things, it's just a matter of time.

Human beings vomit for several different unrelated reasons. For the individual who gets a stomach virus, they may not be able to keep anything down. Or maybe they ate something that did not agree with them. I've always thought that was a strange term. "I ate something that did not agree with me." Was there a meeting? Did we negotiate terms? As we broke this agreement, did I realize that I'd be liable for consequences that would keep my throat burning from gastric acid and make my breath smell like parmesan cheese? Who knew that biological law could be so strict and decisive.

But vomiting, due to sickness, just adds insult to injury. Sometimes all a person needs to do in order to get that sickness is just go to work. Imagine just spending days trying to get something into your system, only to see it come back up again. And the reason? Stomach flu.

Of course, there's also motion sickness. Sometimes getting on a bus, car, or plane just doesn't sit right for an individual. Or maybe it could be because a person went to Six Flags and got on the old "Tilt A Puke", or went on the Rotor or Roller Coaster eight times in a row and suddenly that corn dog he had for lunch is about to make a comeback trip. At times like that, one can wonder whether or not they thoroughly chewed their food the proper 32 times as they swallowed. Most times we find that we just eat five or six bites and swallow just to enjoy the taste. It is only when we spew up the entire works that we see how lax we are in our chewing habits.

Who knew that such a large chunk of broccoli could fit down one's gullet?

Then there's the ever popular food poisoning. That's fun. You get all set for a night at that Mexican restaurant in Hoboken and what happens? The chicken in your enchilada wasn't quite done enough. Or maybe you've gotten a nice care package from Mom and Dad with sausage and chicken that you left in your fridge a little too long and decided that tonight would be a great night for you to eat it.

True story: In my younger days, when I first set out on my own. I shared an Jersey City apartment (right in the shadow of the World Trade Center at Exchange Place on Sussex St.) with a friend of mine from college. I moved in first and stayed there the first month pretty much by myself. As I was just settling in, my mother and father gave me some left overs, so I wouldn't starve to death. It was a great chicken and sausage dish cooked with rice. Well, I left it my fridge for a few days, not thinking anything of it and decided one night to eat it.

So I nuked up a plate and had two portions for myself.

Well, what I didn't know was that the chicken AND the sausage had gone bad in the time I had it in the fridge. I sat down on basically indoor lawn furniture (I was really poor at the time) and started to watch some TV. It was a strange thing to see the screen start to twist and turn without me having to move my body or head at all. I decided that maybe I was too stressed out from work and should get to bed. I got up and started to activate the burglar alarm when I noticed these colored balls of light that danced in front of my eyes then disappeared.

Hmmmmm. That was weird.

I went to bed. As I lay on the bed, I stared at the ceiling which started to spin a bit and then I closed my eyes. A small voice in my head, a voice I've come to recognize and rely on in drunken periods as the voice of reason and warning, spoke to me. This voice has said things to me in the past while I've been drinking like, "Stop drinking now", and "If you have one more drink, you'll be really drunk", and "Start drinking water and cokes from this point on." The voice is never wrong and to ignore the voice is to do so at my own peril.

This time when the voice spoke it said, "If you get up and run right now, you just might make the toilet." True to his word, the voice was right. I got up with my hand to my mouth and ran in the dark past the kitchen to the bathroom and just got the lid to the toilet seat up and puked up everything I've ever eaten. Then I stopped and I puked again... and again... and again. After that I lay on the cold tile floor with one thought. I spoke to God and said, "Lord, don't let me die all alone in Jersey City in a puddle of my own vomit."

I thought it was a fair request. Luckily, I lived.

I still hear tales of food poison and can now do nothing but sympathize. I've had food poisoning a few times in my life. Nowadays, it's not from my own cooking. If I even have a doubt as to the age or validity of the food I'm about to eat, I throw it out. It is truly a wretched experience.

Now, food poisonings' close cousin is alcohol poisoning. Most of us drinkers have experienced this. Puking because of alcohol ingestion isn't as bad as puking from a virus or from food poisoning. Now I know your asking, "Vikar, how can you say that? Surely, you can't be serious! Puking is puking!"

I am serious.. and don't call me Shirley. Here's why I say that. Most of the unpleasantness accompanying the standard non alcohol related vomiting activity is from the human body's reluctance to throwing up. This is understandable. Human beings know from experience that vomiting is a horrible experience and they don't wish to repeat it. So, the body tenses up before this happens and isn't prepared for it.

However, when a person drinks, he is much more relaxed when it happens. The body does not tense as much. Plus, because Bacchus is a merciful god, we don't really remember the experience the next day. And if we do, we don't recall it with as much horror. The last few times I've thrown up due to alcohol poisoning, I found each time less horrible. My mind accepts the fact that I'm about to purge a horrible poison from my body, and after I do, I'll probably feel better because, it's left my body. Fortunately, I haven't been sick from drinking in at least two years. And the reason I got sick was because I was attempting to drink as many different flavored martinis on a list of 13. I almost made it, too. Plus, I had forgotten that I had lost a ton of weight and my drinking tolerance was in the basement.

So, after my little voice had screamed his little lungs out for me to stop drinking, and then mentioned that I was going to throw up (which I ignored), and then mentioned that the bush outside next to my parents' hot tub would be a splendid place for me to projectile vomit, it was not surprising that I did. Then I threw up on the grass. Then I threw up in my parents bathroom. Then my wife took me home and I threw up the Pepto Bismol she gave me to settle my stomach.

No, it wasn't pretty.

Another memorable time was when my roommate and I decided to move to separate apartments. On our last day in the apartment, we decided to kill, between the two of us, a half gallon of Taylor Port. After a few hours of drinking and reminiscing, the bottle was empty. We both staggered to our bedrooms and passed out. The little voice woke me up.

"Get up. Run."

I got up and ran to the bathroom. I threw up my share of the port. Fortunately, it was quick and painless. I staggered back to my room with the beginnings of what was one of my life's most vicious hangovers. A few hours later, I woke up to go to work (at the help desk with a ringing phone). When I got to the bathroom, I was surprised to see a long purple streak on the wall next to the toilet. Although my little voice warned me in time to get to the bathroom, my roommate was not so lucky.

As I said, all of these stories are completely true.

What I need to tell you is that there are rules you should follow. This is especially if you intend on pursuing any kind of drinking activity. My advice to young drinkers is to always follow these simple rules to keep your lunch where it should be.

1. Use the old rhymes. Beer before liquor - Never sicker. Liquor before beer - Have no fear. It works most of the time, too.
   
2. Stay away from sweet drinks. Alabama Slammers, Skylabs, Red Devils, Kamikazes, Crystal, Jagermeister, Goldshlagger, and anything that tastes like candy. Trust me on this one. You will get drunk. You WILL get sick. AND you'll definitely be hung over. Those specific hangovers will make you feel like a vampire doing a day shift.
   
3. Don't mix wine with beer. Do one or the other - not both. The first time I ever got sick from drinking was because I broke this simple rule. It was a Thanksgiving I won't forget.
   
4. If you drink on a work night (especially with co workers), the unwritten rule (that I'm writing right now) is show up for work the next day. You must at least show up. Only pussies stay home and call in sick. You can always go home later that day. But you must at least make the effort to come in. There is always a price to stupidity.
   
5. If you've had a few too many and have a friend willing to drive you home. A) don't throw up in his car. and B) if you have to throw up, tell him to "pull over". Trust me, he will. OPEN THE DOOR AND THROW UP OUTSIDE THE CAR.
   
6. My strategy whenever I go out to a bar with a group of friends, is to first have a designated driver (DD). If you are the DD that means you are the dry one for that night. If you MUST have a drink, limit it to two over the space of a few hours and drink either water or soft drinks. Your friends will thank you for it.
   
7. Don't forget to eat. Drinking on an empty stomach makes for a quick drunken experience. What's worse, if you wind up nauseous, there will be nothing to throw up. Having something in your stomach has a tendency to cushion the blow.
   
8. I start with two Guinness on any given evening. The reason being that Guinness has plenty of iron and caffeine (apparently) and is such a strong filling beer, that when you switch to LIGHT BEER afterwards, you won't drink them quickly. Space these beers with at least one water to every two beers. The reason people get sick and get hung over is that there is too much concentrated maltose in their bodies and they are also suffering from dehydration. I've been using this strategy for, at least, fifteen years, and it has never failed me. This should take the edge off any hangover you get the next morning.

Throwing up is not fun and is not a pleasant experience. It is not a good practice for dieters (unless, of course, you like having bulimia and breath that smells like sour milk) and it is certainly not something to encourage in others. The few times it is perfectly acceptable to induce vomiting in other people is when it says on a label of something that someone SHOULD NOT HAVE EATEN (like certain non corrosive poisons).

Vomiting although a natural purging process is not a natural act. It's like driving the wrong way on a one way street. You can do it, but it's really not advisable.