The Obligatory "You Might Be A Redneck" Jokes

1. You've been on TV more than five times describing the sound of a tornado.
2. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
   
3. You spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
4. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
5. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
6. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
7. Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow. But she can't touch it until she's 14.
8. You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
9. You can burp and say your name at the same time.
10. You were caught bringing a fishing pole into Sea World.
11. You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.
12. You think safe sex is a padded headboard.
13. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
14. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
15. You think the last line of The Star Spangled Banner is "Gentlemen, start your engines."
16. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
17. The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending upon how much gas it has in it.
    
18. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
19. Your aunt and your grandmother went to the funeral and had a fight over who gets to be the widow.
20. You ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
21. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
22. On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
23. The Home Shopping Network operator recognizes your voice.
24. Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
25. You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup.
26. Your idea of talking during sex is, "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
27. Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
28. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
29. You've ever made change in the offering plate.
30. You think the mountain men in "Deliverance" were just "misunderstood."
31. You consider a three-piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
32. You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
33. You mow your lawn and find a car.
34. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
35. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
36. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
37. You have a special baseball cap for formal occasions.
38. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
39. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
40. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."
41. You hit a bump in the road and lose half of your worldly possessions.
42. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
43. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
44. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
45. You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
46. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet "Ms. Right."
47. You have a rag for a gas cap.
48. You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
49. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
50. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is, "What the hell are you looking at, shithead?"
51. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
52. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
53. The best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade.
54. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
55. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
56. Your family tree doesn't fork.
57. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for your grandmother to walk by.
58. The primary color of your car is "bondo."
59. Fewer than half of your cars run.
60. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
61. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
62. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
63. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
64. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
65. Your gene pool doesn't have a deep end.
66. You've ever used lard in bed.
67. More than one living relative is named after a southern Civil War general.
68. The Halloween pumkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
69. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
70. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
71. You wonder how service stations keep theire restrooms so clean.
72. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying "Hey watch this".
73. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
74. Your junior prom had a daycare .
75. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
76. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
77. You can`t get married to your sweetheart because there`s a law against it.
78. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
79. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
80. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.

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