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"Here he comes! Here comes Speed Racer! He's a demon on
wheels!"
- The first line of the Speed Racer Cartoon Theme Song
Summer 2001
What kind of self inflated pomposity drives a
person to buy a sports utility vehicle? Because I am convinced
that intelligence does not come into play here.
A "Sports Utility Vehicle". Please
tell me what sport constitutes the amount of flagrant waste
of gasoline, inconsideration to other drivers on the road, parking
space waste, traffic hazards, and personal death traps. Okay,
other than NASCAR.
If I remember correctly, an SUV is primarily
to be taken "off road". Do the owners of these cars
know what "off road" means? It means when conditions
are not normal and you need a 4 wheel drive to go where a normal
car can't. If that's what you are using an SUV for - God bless
you! I can see that as being functional and serving a purpose.
When it's wintertime and the roads are hazardous, and you need
that extra traction to drive in the snow, nothing beats a 4
wheel drive.
The problem being is that no one lately is buying
an SUV for that purpose. Have you noticed that the majority
of the people who purchase SUV's can't drive them properly?
They have problems negotiating turns, signaling, stopping, parking,
backing out, pulling in, and parallel parking. If you go too
fast with an SUV around a sharp turn guess what happens? You
flip over! Nice, huh.
Perhaps I'm being too judgemental. I don't own
a sports utility vehicle. My sister and brother-in-law own two
of them. A Jeep and a Honda Passport. My brother* is a good
driver and bought the car primarily, I think, because he is
a new father and wanted the extra space in the car, in the event
of an accident. Also, I think he got good deals in price for
both of the cars. And that's....okay. My brother usually gets
as irked as I do when people are idiots and can sense stupidity
a mile a way (which coincidentally is a good stopping distance
for an SUV). I really don't know how well my sister drives.
But then again, my father also owns an SUV. This
concept scares the bajesus out of me. I thought he scared me
in a Honda Accord. He owns a Honda Passport now. I won't say
that he is a dangerous driver (because I have yet to get inside
an SUV with him driving) but my last trip in the Accord with
him driving is the reason my hair is salt and pepper instead
of brown. I think driving with my father in an SUV I will leave
to be one of life's little mysteries.
I have found that the majority of SUV drivers
are not offroadsters. Do you know who the majority of SUV drivers
are?
Soccer moms.
You know, the mothers that drive their kids back
and forth from their daily activities after school. They usually
car pool with other soccer moms who also have mini vans and
SUV's as well. And I thought my father was dangerous. Here's
the problem. It takes a certain amount of skill to drive a large
vehicle like an SUV (I think that's what puts the "sport"
in sport utility vehicle). These women are driving them like
regular cars. Thus we have the flip overs, the front end collisions,
and the rear end collisions typically found with SUV related
accidents. I think the last "priceless" incident that
I saw was a soccer mom yelling at her kids, smoking a cigarette,
and simulaneously on a cell phone. Needless to say, I gave this
woman plenty of berth while in my own car.
They are not normal cars. They are closer to
being trucks. My suggestion is that if you need a special licence
to drive a truck or a motorcycle, you might need one for an
SUV. I'm thinking safety first. If not for the soccer moms then
for their cargo.
I think one of biggest reasons (and I do mean
"biggest") that I dislike SUV's is the obnoxiously,
arrogant, neanderthals that think they are justified in QUADRUPLE
parking. That's really a new one. I know double parking, when
you take up two spaces in your car. That's bad enough. Quadruple
parking is when you park your car in the "crosshairs"
of 4 parking spaces at, say, a mall. Isn't that beautiful? They've
made their statement. "I've spent a lot of money on this
car and dammit, I am JUSTIFIED in making sure that your car
does not come anywhere near my car to hit or scratch it."
There are very few instances where quadruple parking is justified.
I think when you are parking a 22 foot motor home or bus counts.
Other than that, you're just being an asshole.
The very size of an SUV prohibits safe driving
for the rest of us. I'm not certain on how driving courses are
taught today, but when I learned how to drive I was taught to
look at what the car in front of the car I'm following does.
If that car starts to hit his or her brake lights, usually I
will start to hit mine to avoid a multiple collision. SUV's
being extra tall makes this difficult if not impossible. You
literally cannot see that front car So, in order to compensate,
you have to increase your stopping distance behind the SUV to
avoid a possible rear end collision**.
SUV's are also "gas guzzlers".
When I was growing up in the seventies, one of
the initiatives or solutions to the energy crisis was to drive
more fuel efficient cars (i.e. - compact cars). Smaller cars
that had high gas mileage. SUV's are anything but that. It is
not uncommon to spend more than $50 at a gas filling. That's
outrageous! It is no wonder that we are in the middle of a second
energy crisis. The former oil magnate in the white house is
attempting to ruin our National Wildlife preserves because of
the oil that lies beneath that ground. There was a reason that
Teddy Roosevelt wanted these lands preserved and now "Son
of Bush" wishes to undo that. I have an idea. Let's try
to conserve some fossil fuels again and drive "smarter"
not "harder" ***.
Sport utility vehicles, if used properly, can
be a godsend in inclimate conditions. They are to be used with
caution and skill. Justifying, obnoxious behavior with the purchase
of an SUV, does not make you one of the elite worthy of envy.
To me, it just makes you a licenced asshole.
* - I call my brother-in-law "brother" because I
never had a blood brother growing up and he and I are very close.
** - Incidentally, for you young ones not knowing how the rules
of fault work in rear end related collisions for insurance purposes.
It is ALWAYS, the fault of the car that hits the rear end of
the car in front of him. So, it is the non SUV driver who is
screwed. And SUV rear end parts run expensive according to Consumer
Reports.
*** - I would start my rant against "W" but it's right
on the verge of treason. And I'm a Republican to boot.
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