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"Do you mind if I smoke? I don't care if you burn."
- Ed Norton & Ralph Kramden
"Do you mind if I smoke? No, do you mind if I fart? It's
one of my habits."
- Steve Martin
"Smoke, Smoke, Smoke, Smoke that cigarette."
- Willie Nelson (as well as others)
"Part of the fun of smoking is choosing what brand to
smoke. Now Virginia Slims, that's a woman's cigarette. What
do they have, little breasts on them?."
- Steve Martin
August 26xd, 2002
Smoking.
Smoking is a dirty, disgusting, filthy habit.
It gets into your clothes and hair and skin and makes you smell
bad. It discolors your teeth. It gives you bad breath. It can
give you cancer. I've even heard that kissing a smoker is like
licking an ashtray. Second hand smoke apparently kills. It will
shorten your lifespan and your breath. It is the main cause
of emphysema. The fall back rate on cigarettes is, at least,
3 times that of herione. It leads to insomnia and heart disease.
Do I smoke?
Oh yeah, baby! I love smoking.
I have learned that the chief reason that people
I dislike are still alive is because I smoke. What the anti-smoking
propaganda does not tell you is the exhilaration of nicotine.
How the urge to strangle someone who desparately needs it seems
to go away after a nice cigarette.
I started smoking when I was 21 years old. I
was doing some acting in college and the part called for a smoker.
I thought, "How bad could it be? I've been around smokers
all of my life, there must be something to it." So, I lit
up and puffed out. No big deal. Then I found out that I had
to inhale. Hmmmmmm. Inhaling..... That was going to be a trick.
Well, all I had to do was suck the smoke into my lungs. I thought
that I would have a choking fit at that point, but surprisingly
enough, I didn't. It turned out that all the years of hanging
out with my father and breathing second hand smoke made me quite
used to the experience.
Then the most amazing feeling of calm came over
my body. Nicotine. Any amount of stress and anger that was in
my body seemed to dissipate and I was cool and at peace. I never
felt that way before. At 21, I was a tad strung out and there
really was no appeasement in my life and certainly no outlet.
In the beginning, I started smoking OPC's.* You
know how it is. I left my pack in the machine. Eventually, I
chose Parliament Lights with a recessed filter. I had heard
all sorts of nasty things about menthol cigarettes and started
to stray away from Kools and all the fresh minty cigarettes.
My friend, Scott and I, used to joke about menthols and the
tingly sensation they gave. That tingle was your lungs bleeding.
Ahhhhhhh! Alive with refreshment. You've come
a long way, baby. You are in Marlboro Country now.**
I'll tell you there really is nothing like that
first cup of coffee with a cigarette in the morning. It's the
breakfast of champions. Caffine and nicotine - perfect together.
Like a family reunion. There really is nothing to open your
eyes like the "ine" sisters. And I'm having fun lately
starting my work day with them. Get out of the subway, light
up. Get to my coffee cart guy, wave my dollar bill and sip my
coffee all before going into the office building.
And that's the way it HAS TO BE. After all, since
the American public has been brainwashed over the last 30 years
and fallen prey to the conspiracy that second hand smoke causes
cancer, you can't smoke indoors in New York anymore. New York's
Mayor Bloomberg is trying to make it against the law to smoke
in bars. Question: HAS HE LOST HIS MIND????!!! It's a small
thing really. When I'm drinking and enjoying one of my favorite
vices why can't I enjoy the other one. I can't drink beer outside
and I can't smoke inside. Beer and cigarettes are as good a
team as coffee and cigarettes. Mayor Bloomberg has admitted
to smoking weed, but legal tobacco - OH NO!!!!¥
On top of this, the Anti-smoking party has made
smoking a real luxury lately. I made the mistake of actually
buying a pack of cigarettes this week in the Port Authority.
IT WAS 7 BUCKS!!!! That's insane! In New Jersey it's five. In
Pennsylvania, it's even less. Governor "I am Satan Incarnate"
Jim MacGreevey raised the price of cigarettes and has a full
campaign against smokers and how we are a liablity to the nation
because we could eventually get sick from it and be a burden
on the taxpayers.
Yeah, whaddevva.
Now, for some real numbers. Mayor Bloomberg cites
that 3,000*** Americans have apparently died from second hand
smoke. There have got to be at least 47,000,000 people in the
U.S. 3,000 is not even a percent. His point of outlawing cigarettes
in bars is that waitresses and bartenders have to be around
it all the time and they are risking their lives being around
second hand smoke. I guarentee you that not one of these bartenders
or waitresses went into the bar service industry saying "Well,
I'll know it's a risk, but..."
Second hand smoke to me has a purpose. It helps
nature weed out all the weak people. If you are going to die
because you breathed in a wisp of cigarette smoke, you have
no business on this planet. Thanks for the carbondioxide, don't
let the door hit your ass on the way off this world. Those people
make me ill.
Recently, I was watching on STARZ, the movie,
Thirteen Days. It was about Kennedy and the Cuban Missile
Crisis. And the one thing that I noticed about this movie was
the amount of free form smoking there must have been in the
60's. It must have been wonderful. You didn't have to worry
about, "Would you mind putting that out?" This was
during that magical time when they actually made cars with ash
trays and cigarette lighters installed. Just try buying a car
nowadays with an ashtray or a lighter new off of the factory
line. They don't do it anymore.
I'll tell you, the one thing that keeps me smoking
lately is that the government says I shouldn't. Sure, outlaw
cigarettes and legalize pot. How about this? If your an adult,
you should be free to pollute your body anyway you see fit.
After all this is America and my body is a temple - desecrated.
There has to be something more to this than meets
the eye. The government is putting too much time and effort
into keeping smokers from smoking, yet it does nothing to help
the elderly maintain a decent standard of living. You can't
have it both ways. Either help us live longer and support us
or leave us alone to kill ourselves while we have the money
to do it. I can't wait until they tell those little old ladies
in the Bingo parlors that they can't smoke there anymore. There
will just be grey fury and bingo chips everywhere.
I gave up smoking right around the time I met
my wife, then started again just before my wedding, then I stopped
about two months afterward. I recently started again. This is
after the last two month's of my company's nonsense.
My wife said, "You're smoking again, aren't
you?"
"Uh-Huh."
"Oh. Well, were I in your shoes, I couldn't
blame you."
That was the last said about it. I figure when
things calm down again, I might quit. But until then I'll be
in Marlboro Country. Meanwhile, my least favorite co-workers
and managers get to live via my artifically tobacco enhanced
patience.
Well, maybe I won't quit entirely. I still smoke
cigars and pipes. I did even after I quit cigarettes the previous
two times. And the rules for those are a bit nebulous. Some
say that cigars aren't as bad as cigarettes. Others say that
cigars are apparently 3 times as bad. Well, you don't inhale
cigars or pipes. God help you if you do. Just call the Mayo
Clinic now and have them order a new lung in advance. You can
never be too careful and a little fore thought never hurt.
I made the mistake of smoking a pipe the same
way as I smoked cigarettes when I was in Ireland back in '92.
I remember walking in Dublin with my friend, Michael and all
of a sudden an imaginary fist hit me in the chest.
"ARRRRRGGGGhhhhhh!!!!!"
"Don't tell me, let me guess. You've been
inhaling your pipe into your lungs. You're not supposed to do
that." Now, he tells me. "It's a gradual draw into
the mouth and then exhale without breathing it in. Man, that's
gotta hurt. Have a drink." Yeah, beer cures all.
Actually, I still enjoy a nice pipe. The smell
is reminicent of old dusty libraries and Victorian mansions.
The cherry tobacco has a nice scent that is really very enjoyable.
On a nice fall night, there is nothing like being outside with
a good pipe or cigar and nice glass of Port wine. Trust me on
this one and Taylor Port is not expensive.
I'll leave you with something I said in one of
my other articles. George Burns smoked cigars almost everyday
of his adult life and lived to be 100 years old. Adolph Hitler
said no one should smoke in his presence. Who are you going
to listen to - George Burns or Adolph Hitler?
Say good night, Gracie.
* - Other People's Cigarettes.
** - Ironically enough, I live right near Marlborough Township,
now.
¥ - Here's real irony. My office data center is right
next to the Bloomberg data center in Greenwich Village (right
near the Holland Tunnel). The anti-smoking champion of New York
City has to contend with all of my company's smokers going outside
for their cigarette break and blowing smoke downwind of them.
Neat, huh? The butts keep piling up right in front of Bloomberg's
non-political home base.
***That's a real number.
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