Some Story Writing
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?
Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor
at an American University.
In-class Assignment for Wednesday: "Today we will experiment
with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple.
Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or
her immediate right.
One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story.
The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third
paragraph,and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what
has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.
There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to
say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both
agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of the English students:
Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.
(could be Schultz)
STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.
The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings
at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in
happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must
now, at all costs,
keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and
if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up
again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things
to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo
named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year
ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his
transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No
sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off
a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole
through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent
him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before
he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the
one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards,
Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers
of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing
War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her
newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and
bored her. She
stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had
passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no
television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at
all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's
innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy
peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty
through congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile
alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within
two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships
were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize
the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated
their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile
submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam,
felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized poor,
stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed
his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm
going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.
My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts
at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall
I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*@%ING
TEA??? Oh no! I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many
Mills & Boon
novels."
@$$hol*.
B!tc%.
W@nker.
Sl*t.
Get f*@%ed.
Eat sh!t.
F*@K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
Go drink some tea - ~h0re..
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