The Top 12 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support

1. "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
2. "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
   
3. "So -- what are you wearing?"
   
4. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
   
5. "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."
   
6. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with '60 Minutes.' Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
   
7. "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
   
8. "I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that."
   
9. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
   
10. "Hold on a second ... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
    
11. "OK, turn to Page 523 in your copy of 'Dianetics."
    
12. "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."

Top 10 Sentences Never Before Typed Online

1. Is there a way to extend the time it takes to download porn?
2. Guess what, fellow Dungeons & Dragons fans -- I just scored!
3. I don't really have an educated opinion to give, so I'll just keep silent on this subject.
4. WOW! Did you read Steve Case's letter today?
5. Holy sh*t this connection is fast!
6. Never tempt a tiger with a salted nut roll.
7. Imagine Joe Pesci with breasts -- that's me!
8. What do you mean you're wearing nothing but panties? Put something on before you catch cold!
9. Anyone know where I can download some naked pictures of Estelle Getty?
10. I am fully clothed and TOTALLY not horny!

Top 10 Signs Your Online Relationship Is Failing

1. Doesn't send you Virtual Flowers anymore.
2. Instead of self-pics, Emails you JPG of a dead hamster with a pin through it.
3. Keyboard simply getting too grimy to touch.
4. She says she may be falling for her joystick.
5. Claims you got her pregnant during cybersex.
6. Can't meet her in her private room, because it's full.
7. Yells out Steve Case's name during cyber sex.
8. Suddenly changes her font from "Courier" to "Times New Roman", yet curiously says nothing's wrong.
9. Your mom calls talking about her new online romance, and her screenname sounds WAY too familiar.
10. When the Christmas break is over, she has to start going to bed at 9.
    

You Might Be Addicted to AOL If...

1. .....tech support calls "you" for help.
   
2. .....someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL
   
3. ..... you watch t.v. with the closed caption turned on.
   
4. .....you have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other. (opps)
   
5. .....you keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out."
   
6. .....three words: Carpal tunnel syndrome
   
7. .....you want to meet a girl/guy and your first impulse is to turn on your computer.
   
8. .....you've ever gotten onto an airplane just to meet somebody face to face.
   
9. .....you have to get a second phone like just so you can call Domino's
   
10. .....you go into labor and you stop to type a special E-mail letting everyone know you are going to be away.
    
11. .....you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences.
    
12. .....you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing
    
13. .....when someone says "what did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"
    
14. .....you find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
    
15. .....you turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won't know you are on line again.
    
16. .....you know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you do your own spouses.
    
17. .....you find yourself lying to others about your time on-line and when they say your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.
    
18. .....you tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth. (on line all night)
    
19. .....your kids are standing at your side saying "mommy please cook dinner" and you would rather type another "LOL"
    
20. .....you marry your cyberboyfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room
    
21. .....you are doing things more and more that you swore you would never, ever do when you first found chat.
    
22. .....you write a letter like this....."dear tom, hiyas! how r u doing well i gotta go bbl !"
    
23. .....you smile sideways
    
24. .....you have a map on the wall with thumbtacks to mark where people you have met are.
    
25. .....you look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy.
    
26. .....you bring a bag lunch and cooler to the computer in the morning.
    
27. .....you use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one ... hehehe)
    
28. .....you take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.
    
29. .....you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get on-line before you have your first cup of coffee (or glass of diet Dr. pepper)
    
30. .....you have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.
    
31. .....you have you computer set up so that it goes directly into AOL's welcome screen.
    
32. .....you wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to come home from work.
    
33. .....you don't know where the time has gone.
    
34. .....you end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil.
    
35. .....you get up at 2am to go to the bathroom but go turn on your computer instead.
    
36. .....you spell things outloud instead of actually saying the word outloud.
    
37. .....you don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo
    
38. .....you stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme
    
39. .....your voicemail/ans. mach. messages is "BRB, leave your s/n and I will TTYL"
    
40. .....you type faster than you think.
    
41. .....you got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too and are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.
    
42. .....you can actually read and follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your tv-screen at the end of a movie.
    
43. .....there is absolutely no interesting chat in any room, yet you don't want to leave in case you miss something.
    
44. .....you double click on your TV remote.
    
45. .....you can now type over 70 wpm
    
46. .....you go into withdrawls during dinner
    
47. .....you spend at least 30 min. making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room.
    
48. .....you stop speaking in full sentences.
    
49. .....you have to be pryed from your computer with the jaws-of-life.
    
50. .....you set your kitchen on fire while cooking because you wanted to "check your mail" and while you were there, you "just wanted to see who's on."
    
51. .....you meet people from AOL in public and have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their s/n.

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